The cheepmunk gnawed on a bunkleberry. This was odd, since there was no bunkleberry tree within one hundred miles of the spot. The cheepmunk itself was not that dissimilar to what we know as a chipmunk - it was small, furry, had a cute little face and a tendency to sing popular songs in a high squeaky voice. Nevertheless, there are some clear differences - for one, it was green. For another, it had a beak. And for another, it had sharp little claws that could give a nasty scratch if an offending party got too close.
The cheepmunk paused in mid chew. A steady “clop-clop-clop” sound was announcing the arrival of something much larger than itself. The cheepmunk decided that its claws would not help in this circumstance, so it postponed the bunkleberry feast and dove into its hole.
At that moment, two riders on horseback appeared. One was tall, broad shouldered, and had a flowing mane of red hair. He wore a greenish tunic and a scabbard that held a large sword. This was William Rumper, the greatest hero in Greenstone.
At his side rode a slightly shorter man whose head was covered in blonde hair. He had a full beard, and carried a scar on his left cheek. This was Hugo Gritt, William Rumper’s truest friend and comrade in arms.
The two had been riding in silence for several miles now. The sun burned hot from overhead. The horses trotted along, enjoying the warm day.
Hugo was the first to break the silence. “So, what are we doing again?”
“You know,” said William. “Traveling across the land. Seeking adventure. Battling the forces of evil.”
“We did that yesterday,” Hugo grumbled.
“Yeah, well, that’s what we do,” William responded.
“I’m sick of it,” griped Hugo.
“It can’t all be apocalyptic battles with demons and vicious beasts, you know,” William told him. “There’s lots of stuff to see and do out here.”
“Like what?” Hugo demanded.
“Didn’t you see that cheepmunk? You don’t see those everyday.”
“Cheepmunk,” Hugo snorted. “Oooh, I’m terrified. I might get a scratch.”
“Those things sting,” William replied. “Anyway, you got a better idea?”
“Yep,” said Hugo. “How about we explore other planets in search of intelligent life?”
William stopped his horse and stared at his friend. “Explore other planets in search of intelligent life?”
“Yeah!” said Hugo excitedly. “It’d be better than just wandering around looking for cheepmunks.”
“No,” said William, and started his horse again.
“Why not?” Hugo complained. “We never explore other planets in search of intelligent life!”
“That’s because it’s stupid,” said William.
“Oh, and wandering around with nothing to do isn’t?” said Hugo. “We’re always traveling across the land, seeking adventure and battling the forces of evil. Just for once, I’d like to explore other planets in search of intelligent life.”
William thought about this. “What if we don’t find any?”
“We won’t know unless we try, will we?” Hugo smelled victory.
William sighed. “FINE,” he said. “Just one problem. How will we get there?”
Hugo smiled. “I know just the thing.”
-------------------------------------------
“What is that?” William wanted to know.
“It’s our spacecraft,” Hugo replied happily. “Are you ready to go?”
“It looks like a hunk of wood,” William said.
Indeed, the spacecraft could not have looked more rickety. It barely looked like it could hold the both of them, and definitely looked like it would not survive the journey through the earth’s atmosphere.
“Stop being a baby,” said Hugo. “Are you putting on your spacesuit?”
“No,” said William. “I wouldn’t have any place to put my sword.”
“Whatever,” said Hugo with a shrug. “Don’t come crying to me when you suffocate in the vacuum of space.”
“Wouldn’t I be too busy suffocating to cry to anyone?”
“Just shut up and get in.”
Grumbling, William climbed in the rocket. Hugo flipped a few levers as if he’d been doing this all his life, and the spaceship rose slowly into the air. With a roar of the engines, it shot off into the sky.
The sky got less and less blue as the craft rose, and finally turned black. The two heroes looked with wonder at the stars dotted all around.
A deafening roar behind the ship got their attention. They looked over their shoulders to see a giant fireball where the earth had been moments ago.
“OH NO!” cried Hugo. “THE EARTH BLEW UP! WE GOT OUT JUST IN TIME!”
“No it didn’t,” said William, as the fireball cleared to reveal the planet exactly as it had been. “Stop being ridiculous.”
“Sorry,” Hugo mumbled. “Just trying to keep things interesting.” Then, louder, he said, “Making the jump to hyperspace in 3...2...1...NOW!”
The stars blurred into long streaks of light beside the spacecraft as it hurtled forward. William stared disinterestedly out the window.
“Are we there yet?” he asked.
“Nope, sorry,” said Hugo. “We’ve got 43 billion light years to go.”
William sighed. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
“You should have thought about that before we left,” said Hugo. “Ah, here we go.”
The spaceship slowed and the stars returned to normal. The ship was now in orbit around a small yellowish planet. Hugo grinned at it.
“Now what?” William prompted after a minute of silence. Hugo was not used to being in charge of missions.
“Oh, uh,” said Hugo. “We land. And search for intelligent life.”
“What if intelligent life doesn’t want to be found?”
“Well, I have my blaster...”
“Wonderful. Little red beams of light. I feel so safe.”
“Yeah, well, if the intelligent life is really intent on not being disturbed, I’d rather be at a safe distance with my blaster than close up with your sword.”
“Just land this stupid thing.”
----------------------------------
Now on the surface of the planet, Hugo jumped out of the spaceship. William reluctantly followed. “Where do we start?” he asked.
“Um...why don’t we go on top of that hill and look around?” Hugo started walking toward a large rounded hill that was the only landscape feature in their sight. William followed, feeling slightly uneasy about the squishiness of the ground beneath their feet.
The two climbed to the top of the hill, but couldn’t see much. Far in the distance, they spotted another rounded hill almost identical to the one on which they were standing. There was another, taller hill in a different direction. It seemed to have a sharp ridge leading to the peak, where it rounded off and sloped down. Two smaller rounded hills sat on either side.
“HELLO!” called Hugo. “INTELLIGENT LIFE!”
“Shh!” said William. “I have a bad feeling about this.”
“We came to find intelligent life,” said Hugo in anger. “How are we supposed to find it if we don’t look?”
“Just...shh,” said William. He was feeling more uneasy with each passing moment.
Hugo sighed. He looked around. There was some sort of crack running across the hill they stood on. As he looked at it, he realized that it was virtually a straight line with some sort of vegetation growing from the crack. The way the black plants stood straight up reminded him of something.
“Oh!” Hugo declared, remembering. “We have to claim this planet in the name of Greenstone!”
“Umm...” said William. “Let’s find out a little more before we go claiming some foreign planet in the name of Greenstone.”
“Nonsense!” said Hugo. He unfolded a flagpole he had brought for just such an occasion. “I hereby claim this planet in the name of Greenstone!” And he jammed the flagpole down in the crack.
There was a massive roar from deep in the interior of the planet. The ground beneath them began to tremble. The flag dropped, and the crack began to widen.
“RUN!” screamed William as he took off down the side of the hill. Hugo didn’t need to be told twice.
“Is it an earthquake?” Hugo asked as he tried desperately to catch up with William.
“I wish,” said William. “We need to leave as fast as possible!”
The two raced to their ship. The yellow ground was rolling back off the hill, revealing a white orb beneath that was topped with a black spot. Hugo had a vague feeling that it looked familiar, but he was too intent on escaping to ponder it.
William got to the ship first and leapt in the back seat. “FLY US OUT OF HERE!” he screamed at Hugo, who jumped in the front seat and started the engine. He took off and turned it immediately towards the stars.
They had just cleared the surface of the planet when there was another massive roar from behind them. William turned to look, and his suspicions were confirmed. The hill they had just been standing on was in fact a giant eye, and it was looking right at them.
“FASTER!” screamed William.
“Why?” said Hugo. “Didn’t we get off the planet in time?”
“THAT’S NO PLANET!” William insisted. “GOGOGOGOGO!!!”
Hugo looked back. By this time they were far enough away to see that there the "planet" had two eyes, a nose, and most terrifyingly, a giant toothy mouth that gaped and snapped at them. Hugo screamed.
“HYPERSPACE!” shouted William.
“I CAN’T FIND IT!” cried Hugo in a panic.
“WELL, IT HAS TO BE THERE!” William screamed. “HURRY!”
William looked behind them. The huge planet-head was quite definitely chasing them. The eyes had a cold alien fury in them. The massive jaws were opening and closing. William could smell its breath, and it was horrible. The head seemed to be getting bigger, and William could only surmise that this fact meant that the planet-head was gaining on them.
He turned to scream at Hugo some more, but Hugo had passed out at the controls. William leaned forward and shoved him out of the way. He saw the hyperspace label, but the lever seemed to have broken off. He knew he had no time to look, only to act. He pulled his sword from its scabbard, and as he saw the giant teeth ready to bite down overhead , William Rumper jammed his sword into the hyperspace circuit. The ship hurtled forward, leaving the planet-head behind in its intergalactic dust.
---------------------------------
Hugo woke up as they neared the earth, and landed the ship. Now, safely back in Greenstone, William and Hugo stood beside the craft and looked at each other.
“This,” said William in a harsh voice, “is why we do not explore other planets in search of intelligent life.”
Hugo looked sheepish. “It was something different. I’m satisfied. Where do we go now?”
A bell sounded.
---------------------------------
Billy Rumper, age 8, looked back at the source of the bell. Of course, it was the end of recess at Grinston Elementary School. He looked back at his best friend, Hugo, and then at the log they had used to simulate a rocket ship. He shrugged, then smiled at his friend. “Back to reality, I guess,” he said, and the two went to join their class.
THE END
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Tales From Greenstone: An Introduction
My current story project is something called Tales From Greenstone. It's a long term thing, and I'll be putting up new episodes periodically. The first episode will appear sometime in the next few days. To explain, Greenstone is a fantasy land inhabited by a number of different characters. In the first episode, you'll be introduced to William Rumper and Hugo Gritt, two intrepid heroes that decide to do something different. In the next episode, you'll meet Warren St. George, the Dragonslayer. In episode three, you'll meet Sam Steel, private eye. As time goes on, you'll notice that the land of Greenstone is inconsistent with itself - different genres populate it like different animal species populate earth. However, you'll know Greenstone's secret by the end of the first episode.
Hope you enjoy!
Hope you enjoy!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part VII
When they arrived back at the house, the witch was feeling a bit stressed. She knew they had only thirty minutes to go before Petey came back as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction, and the recipe had specifically called for the potion to be stirred for fifteen minutes, no more or less. They were cutting it kind of close.
The Does seemed to be at ease. John had slept for most of the trip, but he and Jane were talking quietly now. Somehow, she got the feeling they thought it was over. They didn’t understand. One mistake, and Petey...and the world...was doomed.
As she pulled into the broomport, she mentally reviewed what had to be done. Go to the kitchen, fill the cauldron, boil the water (easily accomplished through magic), grab the eggs and flour, dump all the ingredients in, and start stirring. Meanwhile, one of the Does could grab a piece of Petey’s clothing and be ready. They would just make it.
Seventeen minutes later...
To the surprise of the Does, the mermaid scale was a weighing device that the witch used to measure out the eye of newt, then dropped into the cauldron with the other ingredients. Other than that, everything else was expected. All was in readiness. There was a minute to go. All that had to be done was to add the sock (all Jane was willing to give up...she couldn’t find the other one), and repeat the incantation. They were going to make it.
At the exact fifteen minute mark, Jane threw in the sock. The witch started to mutter:
“Suits breasted double and stairs moving and bears panda
Newts and frogs and toads and trains choo choo and brains monkey
Too children little and underwear their love poodles
Stew noodle chicken...boo bobbity bibbity.”
The cauldron started to smoke. The room went dark. An eerie silence engulfed the room.
The witch frowned. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen, was it?
Jane poked her. “Uh...were you supposed to say poodle or dachshund?”
The witch froze. “Oh...no...”
The cauldron erupted. The Does and the witch were thrown backwards into the wall. When the dust settled, there was Petey. Only, it wasn’t the Petey they knew and loved. It was Petey, the hideous bloodthristy gargoyle bent on world destruction. And was he ever hideous. His now eight foot tall body was covered in black fur, with giant bat wings protruding from his back. From his mouth emerged giant twelve inch fangs. His eyes gleamed an evil red, and he seemed to have put on four hundred pounds since last they saw each other. He surveyed the trio with hunger, and began to advance, licking his lips.
The witch had no idea what to do. She had never been this frightened in her life. Beside her, she could feel John trembling at the sight of his son, no longer the cute little child he had once carried in his arms, and never to be again. She couldn’t see Jane, and assumed she had passed out again. Oh well. This was it. Being unconscious for it was probably better.
But then, the witch heard a voice. It wasn’t her own, and it wasn’t John, and it wasn’t Petey. It was Jane. She said a single word.
“Petey.”
The gargoyle stopped. It looked at its mother, then gurgled happily and reached out to be held.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Petey did not destroy the world. This, you probably guessed, because you’re still reading the story, and not the victim of a hideous, bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction. In fact, he grew up as a normal kid, went to school, got a football scholarship, and had a Hall of Fame career as a middle linebacker. He would always be a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle, but at least he wasn’t bent on world destruction anymore.
The Does retired on his salary. They found that raising a gargoyle wasn’t that different from raising a human. The only real difference was that he started shaving a week later.
The witch went on a very successful lecture tour following her experiences. People came from miles around to hear her account of the whole affair. Particularly interesting was how to escape a charging dragon. Unfortunately, that part also resulted in several thrill seekers heading for Honalee to try their luck. We don’t know how that worked out. They never came back.
In the end, however, everyone in this story lived happily ever after...except for the rhinoceros. I mean, how much work can a no-horned rhino get anyway?
THE END
The Does seemed to be at ease. John had slept for most of the trip, but he and Jane were talking quietly now. Somehow, she got the feeling they thought it was over. They didn’t understand. One mistake, and Petey...and the world...was doomed.
As she pulled into the broomport, she mentally reviewed what had to be done. Go to the kitchen, fill the cauldron, boil the water (easily accomplished through magic), grab the eggs and flour, dump all the ingredients in, and start stirring. Meanwhile, one of the Does could grab a piece of Petey’s clothing and be ready. They would just make it.
Seventeen minutes later...
To the surprise of the Does, the mermaid scale was a weighing device that the witch used to measure out the eye of newt, then dropped into the cauldron with the other ingredients. Other than that, everything else was expected. All was in readiness. There was a minute to go. All that had to be done was to add the sock (all Jane was willing to give up...she couldn’t find the other one), and repeat the incantation. They were going to make it.
At the exact fifteen minute mark, Jane threw in the sock. The witch started to mutter:
“Suits breasted double and stairs moving and bears panda
Newts and frogs and toads and trains choo choo and brains monkey
Too children little and underwear their love poodles
Stew noodle chicken...boo bobbity bibbity.”
The cauldron started to smoke. The room went dark. An eerie silence engulfed the room.
The witch frowned. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen, was it?
Jane poked her. “Uh...were you supposed to say poodle or dachshund?”
The witch froze. “Oh...no...”
The cauldron erupted. The Does and the witch were thrown backwards into the wall. When the dust settled, there was Petey. Only, it wasn’t the Petey they knew and loved. It was Petey, the hideous bloodthristy gargoyle bent on world destruction. And was he ever hideous. His now eight foot tall body was covered in black fur, with giant bat wings protruding from his back. From his mouth emerged giant twelve inch fangs. His eyes gleamed an evil red, and he seemed to have put on four hundred pounds since last they saw each other. He surveyed the trio with hunger, and began to advance, licking his lips.
The witch had no idea what to do. She had never been this frightened in her life. Beside her, she could feel John trembling at the sight of his son, no longer the cute little child he had once carried in his arms, and never to be again. She couldn’t see Jane, and assumed she had passed out again. Oh well. This was it. Being unconscious for it was probably better.
But then, the witch heard a voice. It wasn’t her own, and it wasn’t John, and it wasn’t Petey. It was Jane. She said a single word.
“Petey.”
The gargoyle stopped. It looked at its mother, then gurgled happily and reached out to be held.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Petey did not destroy the world. This, you probably guessed, because you’re still reading the story, and not the victim of a hideous, bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction. In fact, he grew up as a normal kid, went to school, got a football scholarship, and had a Hall of Fame career as a middle linebacker. He would always be a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle, but at least he wasn’t bent on world destruction anymore.
The Does retired on his salary. They found that raising a gargoyle wasn’t that different from raising a human. The only real difference was that he started shaving a week later.
The witch went on a very successful lecture tour following her experiences. People came from miles around to hear her account of the whole affair. Particularly interesting was how to escape a charging dragon. Unfortunately, that part also resulted in several thrill seekers heading for Honalee to try their luck. We don’t know how that worked out. They never came back.
In the end, however, everyone in this story lived happily ever after...except for the rhinoceros. I mean, how much work can a no-horned rhino get anyway?
THE END
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part VI
As the sun was rising over the land of Honalee, a single broomstick could be seen by any waking eyes flying into a cave overlooking the bay. But no one was awake. All the dragons were asleep, exhausted from their night’s hunt, and no one else would dare enter Honalee for any reason.
Jane had just given up and gone to sleep. After John had explained dragons to her, she just couldn’t take it anymore. “Wake me if we survive,” she had said mournfully, and passed out.
The witch was a bit more optimistic. They had arrived at the perfect time, she explained. Dragons typically flew out of Honalee to nearby villages to wreak havoc. They had two major times to do so: all night long, and around lunch time. They had just returned, and were resting up for the lunch run. They could go cut the hairs from one of the sleeping animals and be on their way, hopefully before the dragons woke up.
“I’m going to need you to fly again,” the witch told John. “I’ll be staying on the broom, just get me close enough to snip the hairs. But, if I say go, you GO. Don’t hang around. Leave Honalee IMMEDIATELY. Even if we haven’t got the hair yet. Understand?”
“But what about Petey?” John asked. “If we don’t have the hair, won’t he turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction?”
“We’ll figure something out,” the witch muttered. “But if we stick around, he’ll still turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction, because we’ll be dead and not able to stop him at all, by ANY means.”
John swallowed hard. He nodded, and said nothing.
At last, the witch proclaimed herself ready. John got onto the broom, and the witch helped the still unconscious Jane on behind him. After situating herself, Jack lifted the broom off the ground and into the morning light.
They flew around for a few minutes before the witch pointed out a dragon that looked good. John was hesitant. “Shouldn’t we pick a small one?”
“That IS a small one,” the witch hissed.
It was the biggest living creature John had ever seen in his life, and he had once seen a blue whale. This dragon was easily twice that size. Jets of flame came out of its nostrils everytime it exhaled, and it was obviously asleep. Eyes closed, it was snoring loudly. His enormous belly rose and fell with every breath, and John felt sure that they would soon be inside it.
On top of the dragon’s head was a mane of hair. John looked at the witch, who pointed at it. He nodded and swooped closer.
He had gotten very good at hovering and was mere inches away from the dragon’s head as the witch leaned over to snip some of the hair away. The dragon took no notice, just kept on sleeping. It was almost perfect.
But just as the witch was straightening up, Jane awoke. She saw the dragon, and did what any normal human being would do upon seeing a fire-breathing monster.
She screamed.
“GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” screamed the witch, and John didn’t need to be told twice. The dragon was awake, and looking around. John squeezed the broom handle, and they took off. He heard a massive roar, and glanced behind him just in time to see the dragon lifting off from the ground and flying after them.
“DON’T LOOK, FLY!” the witch screamed. John’s head snapped forward. He could feel the dragon coming closer. “LEFT!” came the command from the back, and as he turned sharply, he could feel the mighty wind as the dragon went past them. It roared furiously, and John knew it was banking, coming at them again.
The witch continued to scream directions, and John followed them exactly. They were veering closer and closer to the borders of Honalee. Could dragons leave the country? John didn’t know, and had no time to ask.
“DIVE!” the witch commanded, and John did, but he was certain the dragon could catch them going down as well. Maybe they were trying to exhaust him. John already felt exhausted.
The ground was rushing closer and closer, and John could feel the dragon’s hot breath behind them. He was waiting for further instructions, but it dawned on him - the dragon was having trouble changing course in midair. They had to crash him! He waited until the last possible second, and pulled up.
The dragon screamed in agony as it flew headfirst into the ground. John flew safely out of its range, landed the broom, and promptly fainted.
--------------------------------------------------------
When he awoke, the broom was airborne again, and the witch was flying. Jane was holding on to him, keeping him from falling. She smiled grimly at him. “Did we get it?” he asked. She nodded.
“Sorry we couldn’t wait on you to wake up,” the witch said, “but we now only have two hours to get back and make the potion.”
“I understand,” John said, and went back to sleep.
NEXT: The Potion
Jane had just given up and gone to sleep. After John had explained dragons to her, she just couldn’t take it anymore. “Wake me if we survive,” she had said mournfully, and passed out.
The witch was a bit more optimistic. They had arrived at the perfect time, she explained. Dragons typically flew out of Honalee to nearby villages to wreak havoc. They had two major times to do so: all night long, and around lunch time. They had just returned, and were resting up for the lunch run. They could go cut the hairs from one of the sleeping animals and be on their way, hopefully before the dragons woke up.
“I’m going to need you to fly again,” the witch told John. “I’ll be staying on the broom, just get me close enough to snip the hairs. But, if I say go, you GO. Don’t hang around. Leave Honalee IMMEDIATELY. Even if we haven’t got the hair yet. Understand?”
“But what about Petey?” John asked. “If we don’t have the hair, won’t he turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction?”
“We’ll figure something out,” the witch muttered. “But if we stick around, he’ll still turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction, because we’ll be dead and not able to stop him at all, by ANY means.”
John swallowed hard. He nodded, and said nothing.
At last, the witch proclaimed herself ready. John got onto the broom, and the witch helped the still unconscious Jane on behind him. After situating herself, Jack lifted the broom off the ground and into the morning light.
They flew around for a few minutes before the witch pointed out a dragon that looked good. John was hesitant. “Shouldn’t we pick a small one?”
“That IS a small one,” the witch hissed.
It was the biggest living creature John had ever seen in his life, and he had once seen a blue whale. This dragon was easily twice that size. Jets of flame came out of its nostrils everytime it exhaled, and it was obviously asleep. Eyes closed, it was snoring loudly. His enormous belly rose and fell with every breath, and John felt sure that they would soon be inside it.
On top of the dragon’s head was a mane of hair. John looked at the witch, who pointed at it. He nodded and swooped closer.
He had gotten very good at hovering and was mere inches away from the dragon’s head as the witch leaned over to snip some of the hair away. The dragon took no notice, just kept on sleeping. It was almost perfect.
But just as the witch was straightening up, Jane awoke. She saw the dragon, and did what any normal human being would do upon seeing a fire-breathing monster.
She screamed.
“GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” screamed the witch, and John didn’t need to be told twice. The dragon was awake, and looking around. John squeezed the broom handle, and they took off. He heard a massive roar, and glanced behind him just in time to see the dragon lifting off from the ground and flying after them.
“DON’T LOOK, FLY!” the witch screamed. John’s head snapped forward. He could feel the dragon coming closer. “LEFT!” came the command from the back, and as he turned sharply, he could feel the mighty wind as the dragon went past them. It roared furiously, and John knew it was banking, coming at them again.
The witch continued to scream directions, and John followed them exactly. They were veering closer and closer to the borders of Honalee. Could dragons leave the country? John didn’t know, and had no time to ask.
“DIVE!” the witch commanded, and John did, but he was certain the dragon could catch them going down as well. Maybe they were trying to exhaust him. John already felt exhausted.
The ground was rushing closer and closer, and John could feel the dragon’s hot breath behind them. He was waiting for further instructions, but it dawned on him - the dragon was having trouble changing course in midair. They had to crash him! He waited until the last possible second, and pulled up.
The dragon screamed in agony as it flew headfirst into the ground. John flew safely out of its range, landed the broom, and promptly fainted.
--------------------------------------------------------
When he awoke, the broom was airborne again, and the witch was flying. Jane was holding on to him, keeping him from falling. She smiled grimly at him. “Did we get it?” he asked. She nodded.
“Sorry we couldn’t wait on you to wake up,” the witch said, “but we now only have two hours to get back and make the potion.”
“I understand,” John said, and went back to sleep.
NEXT: The Potion
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part V
The witch was fairly indecisive on which task to accomplish next. The unicorns were further away, but the dragons were nastier. In the end, she decided to catch the dragons on the way back and hope it was naptime.
It was almost night when the trio reached the unicorn homeland. Since unicorns are nocturnal creatures, the witch thought they would have the best chance of catching one in the evening, while they grazed. She had no idea where they slept, but was pretty sure her broomstick could outrun one.
They searched for thirty minutes before they found a lone unicorn, nibbling grass in the moonlight. The witch sighed. “Good, he’s already eating. We won’t have to use the snodgrass.” She turned to John and whispered, “You’ll have to drive.”
“What?!?” John whispered back. “Me? I don’t know how to fly one of these things!”
“It’s easy,” the witch muttered. “Lean right for right, lean left for left, and try not to fall off.”
“What are you going to do?” Jane asked, with a quiver in her voice. John wasn’t a good driver to begin with.
“I’ve got to lasso him, tie him up, cut the toenails, and get back on the broom before he gets free,” the witch replied. “You’ve never seen anything like an angry unicorn, believe you me. Makes that rhino attack look like a pillow fight. You’re going to have to hand me the clippers when I ask for them, Jane.”
Jane didn’t speak. She had turned a pale white.
They were hovering two hundred feet over the unicorn. “When I say go,” the witch instructed, “dive. When I say pull up, pull back on the broom handle as hard as you can. It will flatten itself out, don’t worry. Follow the unicorn, and slow down once the rope is on it.”
“Where are the brakes on this thing?” John wanted to know.
“Just loosen your grip. Everything will be fine.” She waited a few more seconds. “All right. On three. One...two...three! GO!”
John pushed down on the broom handle, and the broom went into a dive. They were heading towards the earth at a startling speed. Jane started to scream behind him. The unicorn looked up suddenly, saw them, and took off. He seemed to be flying, he was moving so fast.
“NOW!” the witch cried. “PULL UP! PULL UP! PULLUPPULLUPPULLUP!”
John did. Immediately, the broom flattened out and they were racing along the ground at a frighteningly quick pace. But, they were catching up to the unicorn.
“Left!” screamed the witch. “More! Now right! More! More...there! Straight! A little to the left!”
“OK, OK,” muttered John. “Stop being a backbroom driver.”
They were almost upon the unicorn now. The witch started twirling her lasso and let go. On the first shot, it went right around the unicorn’s neck. Jack loosened his grip and the broom immediately slowed to a virtual halt. The witch yanked the unicorn off its feet and leapt from the broom. She charged the struggling body and flung the rope around the rest of him, and immobilized him. “CLIPPERS!” she called.
Still white as a sheet, Jane ran forward with the clippers. She then darted back to the broom and grabbed hold of John, almost cutting off his air.
The witch carefully cut three toenails from the unicorn as it struggled to free itself. Once done, she bolted for the broom. “GET READY!” she screamed as the unicorn finally burst through its bonds and charged. She hopped on the broom, and John squeezed the handle. The broom shot away, leaving a very angry unicorn in the dust.
They stopped about five miles away for a rest. The witch was sweating profusely, but grinning broadly. “Now, you see why we needed more than one person,” she chuckled.
John was on an adrenaline high he had never felt in his life. He couldn’t believe the rush from flying that broomstick. It was like nothing he had ever experienced.
Jane had passed out soon after they outran the unicorn.
So John and the witch sat there, breathing heavily and grinning at each other, not saying a word, for about fifteen minutes. Finally, the witch said, “We need to get moving if we’re going to get to Honalee by sunrise.”
“Is that where we’re going?” John asked in surprise.
“Yep,” the witch answered. “Only known dragon habitat left on earth.”
“We going to go see Puff?” John asked with a smile.
The witch shook her head grimly. “Do you know how many stupid people have been killed in Honalee because of that stupid song?” she asked. “More than I’d care to count. They all hear the song, and say, ‘Ooo, a nice dragon in Honalee! Let’s go see if it’ll be MY friend!’ Dragons are not nice. Dragons are mean, vicious animals that will barbecue you from a mile away, IF they’re feeling generous. If not...I don’t even want to talk about it.”
John was flabbergasted. He had been making a joke.
NEXT: Honalee
It was almost night when the trio reached the unicorn homeland. Since unicorns are nocturnal creatures, the witch thought they would have the best chance of catching one in the evening, while they grazed. She had no idea where they slept, but was pretty sure her broomstick could outrun one.
They searched for thirty minutes before they found a lone unicorn, nibbling grass in the moonlight. The witch sighed. “Good, he’s already eating. We won’t have to use the snodgrass.” She turned to John and whispered, “You’ll have to drive.”
“What?!?” John whispered back. “Me? I don’t know how to fly one of these things!”
“It’s easy,” the witch muttered. “Lean right for right, lean left for left, and try not to fall off.”
“What are you going to do?” Jane asked, with a quiver in her voice. John wasn’t a good driver to begin with.
“I’ve got to lasso him, tie him up, cut the toenails, and get back on the broom before he gets free,” the witch replied. “You’ve never seen anything like an angry unicorn, believe you me. Makes that rhino attack look like a pillow fight. You’re going to have to hand me the clippers when I ask for them, Jane.”
Jane didn’t speak. She had turned a pale white.
They were hovering two hundred feet over the unicorn. “When I say go,” the witch instructed, “dive. When I say pull up, pull back on the broom handle as hard as you can. It will flatten itself out, don’t worry. Follow the unicorn, and slow down once the rope is on it.”
“Where are the brakes on this thing?” John wanted to know.
“Just loosen your grip. Everything will be fine.” She waited a few more seconds. “All right. On three. One...two...three! GO!”
John pushed down on the broom handle, and the broom went into a dive. They were heading towards the earth at a startling speed. Jane started to scream behind him. The unicorn looked up suddenly, saw them, and took off. He seemed to be flying, he was moving so fast.
“NOW!” the witch cried. “PULL UP! PULL UP! PULLUPPULLUPPULLUP!”
John did. Immediately, the broom flattened out and they were racing along the ground at a frighteningly quick pace. But, they were catching up to the unicorn.
“Left!” screamed the witch. “More! Now right! More! More...there! Straight! A little to the left!”
“OK, OK,” muttered John. “Stop being a backbroom driver.”
They were almost upon the unicorn now. The witch started twirling her lasso and let go. On the first shot, it went right around the unicorn’s neck. Jack loosened his grip and the broom immediately slowed to a virtual halt. The witch yanked the unicorn off its feet and leapt from the broom. She charged the struggling body and flung the rope around the rest of him, and immobilized him. “CLIPPERS!” she called.
Still white as a sheet, Jane ran forward with the clippers. She then darted back to the broom and grabbed hold of John, almost cutting off his air.
The witch carefully cut three toenails from the unicorn as it struggled to free itself. Once done, she bolted for the broom. “GET READY!” she screamed as the unicorn finally burst through its bonds and charged. She hopped on the broom, and John squeezed the handle. The broom shot away, leaving a very angry unicorn in the dust.
They stopped about five miles away for a rest. The witch was sweating profusely, but grinning broadly. “Now, you see why we needed more than one person,” she chuckled.
John was on an adrenaline high he had never felt in his life. He couldn’t believe the rush from flying that broomstick. It was like nothing he had ever experienced.
Jane had passed out soon after they outran the unicorn.
So John and the witch sat there, breathing heavily and grinning at each other, not saying a word, for about fifteen minutes. Finally, the witch said, “We need to get moving if we’re going to get to Honalee by sunrise.”
“Is that where we’re going?” John asked in surprise.
“Yep,” the witch answered. “Only known dragon habitat left on earth.”
“We going to go see Puff?” John asked with a smile.
The witch shook her head grimly. “Do you know how many stupid people have been killed in Honalee because of that stupid song?” she asked. “More than I’d care to count. They all hear the song, and say, ‘Ooo, a nice dragon in Honalee! Let’s go see if it’ll be MY friend!’ Dragons are not nice. Dragons are mean, vicious animals that will barbecue you from a mile away, IF they’re feeling generous. If not...I don’t even want to talk about it.”
John was flabbergasted. He had been making a joke.
NEXT: Honalee
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part IV
At the zoo, they had to break into the rhinoceros building where the animals were put away for the night. The witch found one that was still awake and started to chat it up. To the Does, it sounded like a lot of grunting and snorting, but apparently they could both understand each other.
“You think they teach Rhinocerish at Witch University?” John whispered to Jane as the witch started laughing at something the rhino was telling her. Jane giggled behind her hand.
Hearing the unexpected noise, the rhino looked sharply in their direction. He didn’t look in the least bit happy to see them. The witch was trying to explain something, but the rhino looked more and more infuriated at every passing moment.
Abruptly, the witch turned and shouted, “Run!”
The Does didn’t need a second invitation. They took off just as the rhino started to charge.
They ran outside and managed to scramble up a tree in the habitat. John was pretty sure rhinos couldn’t climb trees, so it seemed like a safe place.
However, they still can charge.
The rhino must have rammed the tree with his enormous head ten times when Jane finally started to slip. She screamed at John to save her, but everytime he reached out for her, the rhino would hit the tree again and she would slip some more. At last, she was sure that one more hit would do her in. The rhino was backing up for a fifteenth charge. John made one final desperate lunge to save his wife, and both tumbled out of the tree.
They landed right next to the rhino. But, it didn’t move. It had passed out from all the excitement.
With the rhino unconscious, it was a simple matter to remove its horn. The witch apologized for not informing them that rhinoceroses (rhinoceri?) were very short tempered and would only deal with one intrusion at a time without going berserk. She heaped praises upon them for holding him off until he collapsed from adrenaline shock. The Does didn’t hear a word she said. They were still trembling from head to toe.
----------------------------------------------------
The sun was peeking over the eastern horizon when the Does and the witch arrived at Penelope’s Inlet, the best place to find a mermaid at this time of year, according to the witch.
She picked up a strange looking shell that was lying nearby and blew into one end. The Does couldn’t hear anything except escaping air, but there was a sudden commotion in the inlet. Three heads popped out from under the water and stared at the trio on land for what seemed like an eternity. Then, they ducked back beneath the waves.
“Good, we’re lucky,” the witch sighed with obvious relief. “They didn’t acknowledge our presence.”
John looked at her quizzically.
She shook her head. “Later,” she said, as another head popped out of the water and headed their way.
The figure now emerging from the water was obviously female, though the Does were surprised to see that she looked like a normal human being, except for the gills in the side of her neck. They couldn’t see any scales on her at all.
The mermaid took the shell from the witch and blew into the other end. Expecting to hear the rushing air again, the Does were shocked to her a beautiful and silky voice saying, “Welcome to Penelope’s. How may I help you?”
The witch blew into her side again, and only rushing air could be heard. The mermaid nodded, and replied, via the shell, “Of course. One moment.” She turned back to the water, but paused and addressed the Does. “Would you like to come and inspect the merchandise?”
That sounded reasonable to the Does, but before they could answer, the witch blew sharply into her end of the shell. The mermaid smiled coyly, and dove beneath the surface of the water.
“NEVER take a Mer up on an offer to go underwater,” the witch said. “I don’t care what you’ve seen in movies, you won’t last more than three minutes.”
“Obviously, there’s a lot that movies aren’t telling us,” John commented.
The witch laughed. “Oh, you mean the lack of a tail? An unfortunate misconception. The only thing the Mers have in common with fish is the gills.”
“Then how are we going to get a scale?” Jane exclaimed, a bit hysterically.
The witch smiled knowingly, and watched as the mermaid emerged from the inlet, carrying a bag.
“What form of payment do you have?” the mermaid asked. The witch removed from her bag the dark chocolate she had gotten at Which Witch. The mermaid nodded approvingly, and they traded packages. The two shook hands, and, after waving cheerfully at the Does, the mermaid disappeared into the sea.
As they were loading onto the broomstick, the witch hurriedly explained everything. “If those three heads had acknowledged us, it would have meant that they were going to play around with us, try and kill us somehow, and definitely not get us what we want. The shell I used is a translator. Since Mermish is an exclusive language, no one except Mers can speak it. Consequently, the Mers can’t speak any human language, so we have to use artificial means of communication.”
John was looking at the bag. It was moving. “What’s going on?” he asked.
The witch glanced over. “Oh, that’s the squid,” she replied. “Don’t look in there, unless you want to get squirted.”
“What about the mermaid scale? How do we know it’s in there too?” Jane demanded.
“Listen, Mers may be killers, but they’re not swindlers,” the witch answered. “When you shake hands with a Mer, it’s an ironclad contract that the merchandise is exactly what you requested.”
Jane still felt a bit uneasy, but she let it pass. The witch seemed to know what she was doing.
NEXT: Decision Time
“You think they teach Rhinocerish at Witch University?” John whispered to Jane as the witch started laughing at something the rhino was telling her. Jane giggled behind her hand.
Hearing the unexpected noise, the rhino looked sharply in their direction. He didn’t look in the least bit happy to see them. The witch was trying to explain something, but the rhino looked more and more infuriated at every passing moment.
Abruptly, the witch turned and shouted, “Run!”
The Does didn’t need a second invitation. They took off just as the rhino started to charge.
They ran outside and managed to scramble up a tree in the habitat. John was pretty sure rhinos couldn’t climb trees, so it seemed like a safe place.
However, they still can charge.
The rhino must have rammed the tree with his enormous head ten times when Jane finally started to slip. She screamed at John to save her, but everytime he reached out for her, the rhino would hit the tree again and she would slip some more. At last, she was sure that one more hit would do her in. The rhino was backing up for a fifteenth charge. John made one final desperate lunge to save his wife, and both tumbled out of the tree.
They landed right next to the rhino. But, it didn’t move. It had passed out from all the excitement.
With the rhino unconscious, it was a simple matter to remove its horn. The witch apologized for not informing them that rhinoceroses (rhinoceri?) were very short tempered and would only deal with one intrusion at a time without going berserk. She heaped praises upon them for holding him off until he collapsed from adrenaline shock. The Does didn’t hear a word she said. They were still trembling from head to toe.
----------------------------------------------------
The sun was peeking over the eastern horizon when the Does and the witch arrived at Penelope’s Inlet, the best place to find a mermaid at this time of year, according to the witch.
She picked up a strange looking shell that was lying nearby and blew into one end. The Does couldn’t hear anything except escaping air, but there was a sudden commotion in the inlet. Three heads popped out from under the water and stared at the trio on land for what seemed like an eternity. Then, they ducked back beneath the waves.
“Good, we’re lucky,” the witch sighed with obvious relief. “They didn’t acknowledge our presence.”
John looked at her quizzically.
She shook her head. “Later,” she said, as another head popped out of the water and headed their way.
The figure now emerging from the water was obviously female, though the Does were surprised to see that she looked like a normal human being, except for the gills in the side of her neck. They couldn’t see any scales on her at all.
The mermaid took the shell from the witch and blew into the other end. Expecting to hear the rushing air again, the Does were shocked to her a beautiful and silky voice saying, “Welcome to Penelope’s. How may I help you?”
The witch blew into her side again, and only rushing air could be heard. The mermaid nodded, and replied, via the shell, “Of course. One moment.” She turned back to the water, but paused and addressed the Does. “Would you like to come and inspect the merchandise?”
That sounded reasonable to the Does, but before they could answer, the witch blew sharply into her end of the shell. The mermaid smiled coyly, and dove beneath the surface of the water.
“NEVER take a Mer up on an offer to go underwater,” the witch said. “I don’t care what you’ve seen in movies, you won’t last more than three minutes.”
“Obviously, there’s a lot that movies aren’t telling us,” John commented.
The witch laughed. “Oh, you mean the lack of a tail? An unfortunate misconception. The only thing the Mers have in common with fish is the gills.”
“Then how are we going to get a scale?” Jane exclaimed, a bit hysterically.
The witch smiled knowingly, and watched as the mermaid emerged from the inlet, carrying a bag.
“What form of payment do you have?” the mermaid asked. The witch removed from her bag the dark chocolate she had gotten at Which Witch. The mermaid nodded approvingly, and they traded packages. The two shook hands, and, after waving cheerfully at the Does, the mermaid disappeared into the sea.
As they were loading onto the broomstick, the witch hurriedly explained everything. “If those three heads had acknowledged us, it would have meant that they were going to play around with us, try and kill us somehow, and definitely not get us what we want. The shell I used is a translator. Since Mermish is an exclusive language, no one except Mers can speak it. Consequently, the Mers can’t speak any human language, so we have to use artificial means of communication.”
John was looking at the bag. It was moving. “What’s going on?” he asked.
The witch glanced over. “Oh, that’s the squid,” she replied. “Don’t look in there, unless you want to get squirted.”
“What about the mermaid scale? How do we know it’s in there too?” Jane demanded.
“Listen, Mers may be killers, but they’re not swindlers,” the witch answered. “When you shake hands with a Mer, it’s an ironclad contract that the merchandise is exactly what you requested.”
Jane still felt a bit uneasy, but she let it pass. The witch seemed to know what she was doing.
NEXT: Decision Time
Monday, April 28, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part III
It was truly amazing. As many times as the Does had been to the grocery store, they had never noticed the evil looking store sitting right next to it. Now, as they stepped off the broom and stared at the storefront, they had no idea how they could have missed it. The sun seemed to not be shining on it. Bats flapped around. Some eerie organ music was being piped through a PA system that leaked out into the parking lot. The area right in front of the store was full of brooms, and green people kept coming in and out of the store with armfuls of magic supplies. Every once in a while, one of them would erupt in a fit of cackling.
The witch, noting the surprised looks on their faces, stated simply, “Normal humans tend to ignore the truly weird,” and hurried toward the store. Perplexed, the Does followed.
Inside the store, the Does were amazed again as it looked just like the interior of a Wal-Mart. The only noticeable difference was the merchandise. The witch was pulling out a shopping cart, and started towards an aisle marked “Magical Animal Care”.
John started to ask why it looked so different on the outside than on the inside, but the witch anticipated his question and replied, “We’re just normal people. It looks like that on the outside because if it looked like a Wal-Mart, humans would come in and start poking their noses into our secrets. Since it looks like some silly fairy tale outside, people assume it’s their imagination and ignore it. They don’t even realize they saw it.”
Confused, John decided not to ask anymore questions.
The witch grabbed something that looked like hedge clippers and tossed them into the cart. “That should be good enough,” she murmured. “Now, where do they keep the eye of newt?”
Eye of newt was found in “Creature Parts”, right between the ear of ape and the tail of mouse. They located the snodgrass in the produce section. As the witch was measuring out how much she might need to tempt the unicorn, John found himself drawn to a table of the reddest, most delicious looking apples he had ever seen. As he picked one up, the witch warned, “I wouldn’t if I were you. Not unless you want to sleep until some handsome prince comes and kisses you awake.”
John hastily put the apple back on the table.
The witch determined that dark chocolate would be the best bribe for the mermaids. After paying at the register, she and the Does remounted the broomstick and took off for the zoo.
NEXT: The Zoo and On
The witch, noting the surprised looks on their faces, stated simply, “Normal humans tend to ignore the truly weird,” and hurried toward the store. Perplexed, the Does followed.
Inside the store, the Does were amazed again as it looked just like the interior of a Wal-Mart. The only noticeable difference was the merchandise. The witch was pulling out a shopping cart, and started towards an aisle marked “Magical Animal Care”.
John started to ask why it looked so different on the outside than on the inside, but the witch anticipated his question and replied, “We’re just normal people. It looks like that on the outside because if it looked like a Wal-Mart, humans would come in and start poking their noses into our secrets. Since it looks like some silly fairy tale outside, people assume it’s their imagination and ignore it. They don’t even realize they saw it.”
Confused, John decided not to ask anymore questions.
The witch grabbed something that looked like hedge clippers and tossed them into the cart. “That should be good enough,” she murmured. “Now, where do they keep the eye of newt?”
Eye of newt was found in “Creature Parts”, right between the ear of ape and the tail of mouse. They located the snodgrass in the produce section. As the witch was measuring out how much she might need to tempt the unicorn, John found himself drawn to a table of the reddest, most delicious looking apples he had ever seen. As he picked one up, the witch warned, “I wouldn’t if I were you. Not unless you want to sleep until some handsome prince comes and kisses you awake.”
John hastily put the apple back on the table.
The witch determined that dark chocolate would be the best bribe for the mermaids. After paying at the register, she and the Does remounted the broomstick and took off for the zoo.
NEXT: The Zoo and On
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