The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part I

As a preface to this story, let me just say that it's a little dark in its humor. Also, I know it says Chapter One, and that's only because it's part of a larger work. This first chapter has six parts. So, here we go with part one of chapter one of The PC Viper Chronicles.

CHAPTER ONE - Hail To The Chief?

It all started with a simple television ad. A young man, with straight sandy hair and stubble on his chin was shown sitting cross-legged in a large red armchair. His expression was hard to read since his mouth was tightened into a straight line. His voice was raspy, but his message was clear. A transcript follows. Notes in italics and brackets indicate actions.

My fellow Americans. My name is Patrick Charles Viper, and I have purchased this television time to inform you that I will be your next President. It has been a difficult decision, but after much soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion that what this country needs is for me to be sitting in the Oval Office come January.

Now, I know it’s frequently confusing when you step into the voting booth in November. All those names! You may have a tendency to vote for the most handsome candidate, or the one with the most interesting name, or you may even vote for the first one on the list. Just remember this time to put your mark next to the name “P.C. Viper”, and everything will be fine.

I realize this short ad may not convince anyone, but I’d like to offer this extra incentive. [lifts a puppy into his lap] This is my running mate, Hamster. He is not a hamster, he is, in fact, a puppy. Isn’t he cute? Don’t you just want to cuddle with him all night long. Well, I assure you, ladies and gentlemen...if you do not elect me as your next President this November, I will kill this puppy.

Barbaric, you say? Nothing of the sort. I will not kill this puppy if elected. He’ll live a long, full life, running around on the White House lawn. The only barbaric act here would be depriving him of that chance by electing someone else as your next President. Look at those big, brown puppy dog eyes. Look at those long, droopy ears. Look at that adorable puppy dog face. Isn’t he just the most precious thing you’ve ever seen? And you’re willing to let him die? What kind of person are you?

So save this puppy. Vote P.C. Viper for President. Do it for Hamster.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: The Fallout