In part one, P.C. Viper announced his candidacy for president of the United States with a vicious threat against the innocent puppy Hamster. In part two, another candidate named Samuel Bucks vowed to nuke Viper if he harmed Hamster at all. In part three, the two debated the issue, and in part four, P.C. Viper got personal with Bucks.
On the Thursday before the election, Samuel Bucks gave a press conference condemning P.C. Viper, which backfired badly. Following is a transcript.
BUCKS: Thank you all for coming. This campaign is far from over today, but as my opponent becomes more and more desperate, I must reiterate my position. The threats he has made against this poor puppy are deplorable. The American people are sick of it, and will not stand for his attempt to hijack the nation’s highest office. Let me be even more clear. Mr. P.C. Viper has elevated his rhetoric beyond what we know as politics. He has insulted me, he has insulted this country, he has insulted puppies everywhere. How do we know that he will stop once he is elected president? How do we know that he will never again use the threat of violence against Vice President Hamster? When Congress is debating a bill, will Viper hold a gun to Hamster’s head to make them share his viewpoint? When the Supreme Court is deliberating on our First Amendment rights, will Viper put Hamster on a chopping block and lift an axe? If some foreign prime minister accidentally forgets to wipe his shoes at the White House, will Viper use Hamster to start World War III? But, even more chillingly, how do we know that it will just be Hamster? How do we know that P.C. Viper will not threaten hundreds of thousands of puppies, or kitty cats, or real hamsters, just to get his way? We cannot have this. But, simply putting Sam Bucks in office is no longer good enough to stop this maniac. When I am elected President, I will not nuke him only if he kills Hamster. I...WILL...NUKE HIM. He cannot escape. His kind cannot be allowed to live. He will die. We will hunt him down like a dog. Any questions?
[long, stunned silence. Finally one reporter raises her hand and asks, timidly:]
REPORTER #1: Um. Mr. Bucks, do I understand you correctly? You hunt dogs?
BUCKS: [flabbergasted] No! No, no. It’s just an expression!
REPORTER #2: But why would you choose that expression? It certainly implies that you hunt dogs.
BUCKS: Oh...no, of course not. I meant...you know...we would hunt him down like a dog... meaning that we would be the dog, and he would be the one hunted by the dog...he wouldn’t be the dog, of course, just the one hunted.
[awkward silence]
REPORTER #3: Then, shouldn’t it be “We will hunt him down like dogs?” Since the pronoun “we” implies multiple persons...
BUCKS: OK, now we’re just arguing sem...
REPORTER #4: Why not just say “We will hunt him down like hunters”?
BUCKS: But...no, “dog” is the metaphor.
REPORTER #3: Actually, I think that’s technically a simile.
BUCKS: Whatever! Fine, then, let me revise my statement. We will hunt him down in the manner that foxes are hunted by dogs!
REPORTER #2: So, could you confirm for the record that you are officially anti-fox?
BUCKS: I...what?
REPORTER #2: Anti-fox. You just said that you enjoy hunting foxes.
BUCKS: I never...
REPORTER #1: Were you aware that foxes and dogs are related?
REPORTER #4: What do you have against the canidae family?
[The rest of the press conference erupts in pandemonium as Bucks flees the scene.]
Bucks’ revelation that he was not a dog sympathizer after all threw the election into chaos. Overnight, he went from enjoying a healthy margin in the polls to being dead in the water - an early Friday poll showed Viper with a commanding 93-7 lead, with 6 of the 7 admitting they had not watched the news in a few days . It seemed that nothing could stop Viper from winning the presidency.
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IN THE FINAL EPISODE: A New President
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