The Secret of Twah, part VI

The story so far...the farmer has barely gotten through the first two trials of the Rite of Monkhood. He spent a year in a tree, but his answers did not seem to satisfy the doorkeeper. He recovered four golden cups, but took five minutes longer than allotted. Now, he is about to begin his final exam.

The farmer looked through the stack of papers. Five hundred questions. Mostly multiple choice, though there were a few essay questions. Nothing else to do but get started.

The questions were pretty easy for the farmer. Most of them had to do with things he had learned in his time on the mountain. There was a question about how to disperse the tiny bats (light), several questions about the flowers in the field, a few questions about fruits of the trees, and several questions about the habits of roving vagabonds. However, it was question number 500 that tripped him up.

• 500. How do you kill the giant bee?

The farmer thought about this. Obviously, you couldn't just hit it, because it always came back. How did normal bees die? They usually died when they stung people, right? They lost their stinger. And he hadn't seen the giant bee since it stung him, had he? That had to be it. Break off the stinger.

He looked over his answers, confident that he had passed. As soon as his time was up, the door opened, and a hood was thrust over his head. He was walked back through endless corridors, though he couldn't tell if it was the same direction as the first time. Finally, the hood was removed, and he found himself outside the monastery again. He turned to see the eye looking at him from the peephole.

"We will grade the test. Come back in a month for the results." The peephole shut.

The farmer spent most of the next month wandering around the forest. He met several roving vagabonds (who oddly enough only seemed to rove in one place), and had tea with them. Then they beat him up, but it was more for their image than anything else. The farmer also visited the flower field, and was horrified when he was attacked by the giant bee. Its stinger had regrown a bit, not nearly as long and menacing as it was, but still intimidating. Obviously, losing its stinger hadn't killed him. The farmer fought the bee, and after an epic battle that lasted a week, the farmer ripped the bee's wings off. The bee fell to the ground and was still. It was dead.

The month passed, and he returned to the monastery. After he knocked, he waited for five minutes before the peephole finally opened, very slowly.

"You failed," said the voice icily. The farmer stared in shock. The eye regarded him. "Sorry. No monkhood for you. No Secret of Twah. Goodbye." And the peephole closed.

NEXT: A Second Chance

The Secret of Twah, part V

The story so far...the farmer, in order to become a monk and learn the Secret of Twah, spent one year in a tree and recovered four golden cups from the village at the base of the mountain. He is now ascending the mountain, praying that he has completed his second task in time.

After a perilous journey through hailstones the size of watermelons, thunderstorms with lightning striking trees all around him, obligatory attacks by roving bands of vagabonds (some of whom now knew him on a first name basis), and no encounters with the giant bee (mercifully), the farmer arrived at the monastery and pounded on the door. The peephole opened immediately, and the eye looked out at him. The stare seemed very cold. The voice did not speak.

"Um," said the farmer. "I have returned with the golden cups."

"You're late," said the voice. There was definite anger there.

The farmer's heart sank. "By how long?"

"Five minutes," said the voice.

"Five minutes?" said the farmer, incredulous. "Well, I would have been back here much sooner, but there was this giant bee..."

"Did you hit it and make it go away?" asked the voice. There was a taunting tone there.

"No," said the farmer. "It stung me, and I was unconscious for...well, for a while."

"You have the cups?" The farmer pulled them out of his bag and showed them to the eye. The eye looked at the letters T-W-A-H, then the voice spoke again. "Very well. You will be deducted five points for tardiness. Return in one month for your written exam."

"Five points? Written exam? What?" asked the farmer, but the peephole had already closed.

After a month without incident (shockingly), the farmer returned to the monastery. The door opened, and he was admitted, though a hood was placed over his head. He was led through countless corridors, until he was forced into a chair.

"You may remove your hood," said the voice, and the farmer did so. He looked around to see a small, featureless room. There was a torch in the corner, but no window or other source of light. He was seated at a small wooden table. On the table was a large stack of papers and a quill. A peephole was open on the door, and the eye was looking at him. "You have five hours," said the voice. "Begin."

NEXT: The Test

The Secret of Twah, part IV

The story so far...the farmer, obsessed with the Secret of Twah, has undertaken the mystical Rite of Monkhood in order to become a monk. He stayed in a tree for one year, then began a quest to collect four golden cups. However, during his journey down the mountain, he was stung by the giant bee and passed out.

The farmer was aware that water was dripping on his face. He opened his eyes and was greeted by a world that was white and green at the same time. He sat up. Snow was melting off the blooming trees. It must be early spring. He had been unconscious for three whole seasons.

Sudden panic gripped him. Three quarters of his year must be gone! He had to hurry. He leapt to his feet and began running down the mountain. He was not attacked in that whole time, partly because the roving band of vagabonds he encountered either couldn't keep up or decided to give him a break this time.

When the farmer reached the village at the base of the mountain, he finally stopped to collect himself. The voice belonging to the eye had told him the cups were at the base of the mountain, but it did not say where. It definitely didn't say they were in the village. Why had he assumed that? It must have been because he was so excited about finally seeing his family. Where should he begin?

Logically, the cups would not be here. No one in the village knew anything about the monks or Twah. The farmer wouldn't even know who to ask. He had lived here for nine years, but hadn't been back in two. The cups must be hidden in some cave or something. He would have to hurry. Maybe he could get a horse.


The horse dealership was, unfortunately, closed for the weekend. The farmer resigned himself to a long run...he had no idea how far it was around the mountain, but he was sure it wasn't short. The only good thing was that he could just go straight up from wherever he found the cups, as the monastery was on top of the mountain.

As he ran down the streets, however, something caught his eye in a store window. He went back to look. Four golden cups gleamed through the glass. The cups were in a row, and each was engraved with a letter that read W-H-A-T.

"What?" wondered the farmer. "Is this what I'm looking for? Is this something a true monk would know?"

Then it hit him. Why didn't he know the Secret of Twah yet? Because he was not a monk. A true monk would know the Secret. The shopkeeper was not a monk, so he had arranged the letters into a word he knew.

W-H-A-T, unscrambled, spelled T-W-A-H.

The farmer raced into the shop and bought all four cups (for an outrageous price, he thought, but he didn't have time to haggle). He then began to climb the mountain, hoping against hope that he wasn't too late.

NEXT: The Final Task

The Secret of Twah, part III

The story so far...a farmer from the village at the base of the mountain has begun the Rite of Monkhood so he may learn the Secret of Twah. As we left him, he had just completed the first task, staying in a tree for one year.

The farmer arrived at the monastery and knocked on the door. The peephole opened, and the eye looked out at him. "Yes?" asked the voice.

"I have completed my year in the tree," said the farmer.

"Oh?" asked the voice. "Why were you in the tree?"

The farmer stared. "Because...you said it was part of the Rite of Monkhood?"

"And why do you want to become a monk?"

"Because I want to learn the Secret of Twah."

The eye looked at the farmer for a long time. Then, the voice asked, "And what did you learn from your time in the tree?"

The farmer had been thinking about this for a year, and replied, "Many things. I think the greatest lesson was that need and want are separate. You can do without the things you want, and the things you need will be provided to you."

The eye couldn't frown, as it was not a mouth. However, it definitely gave off the impression that it was frowning. Then, the voice asked, "And the giant bee? Did you learn anything about the giant bee?"

"Um..." said the farmer, confused. He had not expected his encounter with the giant bee to be that important. "Hit him and he goes away?"

The eye stared. "I guess that will do for now. You still have a long way to go before you are a monk. For your next task, you must go to the base of the mountain and recover four golden cups. You must be back here in exactly one year, or you will never become a monk."

"Four golden cups?" asked the farmer. "How will I know they are the ones you want?"

"A true monk would know," said the voice. The peephole shut, and the farmer set off down the mountain. His thoughts were elated with the time he had to search for the cups. Maybe if he found them quickly enough, he could go home and visit with his family. At the very least, he could find out how they were doing.


However, trouble befell him at almost every turn on his journey down. He had to battle a bear, a herd of llamas, several bands of roving vagabonds that may or may not have attacked him before, and the giant bee. His battle with the giant bee was less successful than before, and the bee stung him. The last thing the farmer thought before the world went black was, "I must know the Secret of Twah. I must survive. I must..."


NEXT: Time Running Out

The Secret of Twah, part II

The story so far...our hero, a farmer from the village at the base of the mountain, has journeyed to the top in order to discover the Secret of Twah. However, since he is not a monk, he cannot know. We join the farmer as he waits for his Rite of Monkhood.

One month passed. Since he could not return home and make it back to the monastery in time, the farmer used the opportunity to explore the area around the monastery. He found many wonders, including a cave that led underground to a large cavern where the natural rock formations had eroded into beautiful shapes over time. He found a field full of flowers that he had never seen before, and were so lovely they made him weep. He found a grove of trees that seemed taller than he though was possible, stretching until they seemed to scrape the sky.

For every wonder the farmer found, however, he found more trouble. The cave was inhabited by a ruthless swarm of tiny bats, and he had to flee into the light to escape their terrible stinging bites. In the field of flowers, he encountered a giant bee that tried to harpoon him, and managed to escape by hitting it between the eyes with a rock. In the forest grove, he encountered several roving bands of vagabonds, some of whom he thought had attacked him during his journey up the mountain, and all of whom attacked him this time too.

After the month had passed, the farmer returned to the monastery and knocked on the door. The peephole slid open, and the same eye peered out at him. "Yes?" said the voice.

"I'm here to complete the Rite of Monkhood," said the farmer.

The eye looked at him. "Why do you want to become a monk?"

"So I can learn the Secret of Twah."

The eye stared unblinkingly at the farmer, who didn't move. Finally, the voice said, "Very well. To the south is a grove of trees with trees that grow taller than anywhere else in the world."

"I've been there," replied the farmer.

"Good. In the center, there is a tree, even taller and wider than the others. You will know it because the entire base is covered in ivy. It is the only tree where this is so. Climb the tree, and remain among its branches for one full year. When you descend, come back here and tell me what you learned."

The peephole closed, and the farmer set off to the grove of trees. He found the ivy covered base, fought off the roving band of vagabonds that were camped there, and climbed the tree. Over the course of the next year, the farmer learned much. He learned that nature provided everything necessary for his survival. Fruit and leaves to eat from the tree, water to drink from the sky, air to breathe, and beauty to enjoy. However, nature also provided its own challenges. Packs of ravenous wolves would stand at the base and howl at him. Giant eagles would swoop down from the sky to try and pluck him from the tree. Mad squirrels would taunt him and flee from his grasp. The giant bee from the flower field tracked him down and the two did battle two hundred feet above the earth. The farmer managed to defeat the bee with a well aimed kick at the bee's stomach.

The autumn came, then the winter. Leaves and fruit were no longer available, but the farmer subsisted on a steady diet of bark and insects. The spring arrived, and the farmer rejoiced to be able to eat fruit once again. Finally, the summer arrived, and the year had passed. The farmer descended from the tree, and returned to the monastery.

NEXT: The Next Phase

The Secret of Twah, part I

This is not a completely original story by me, just an adaptation of an old joke I was told as a youth. It's long, and the ending may be upsetting to some, but here is my interpratation, which is much shorter than the original. Don't say I didn't warn you. And be glad I didn't decide to retell the Fluffy Dog Joke.

THE SECRET OF TWAH
Once upon a time, in a far off land, lived a farmer. He was not native to the area, but had moved there when he married his wife nine years previously. The couple had two lovely children, and lived in the farmhouse at the base of the mountain.

One day, as the farmer worked in the fields, he heard a booming voice from the top of the mountain. The voice said a single word:

"TWAH."

The farmer stopped and listened, but heard nothing else. Bewildered he asked his wife about it.

"Oh yes," she replied. "That's just Twah. It happens every ten years. No one really knows anything about it, except for the monks."

"Monks?" the farmer asked.

"Yes," said his wife. "There's a monastery up at the top of the mountain. They are the sacred keepers of the Secret of Twah. If you want to know more about it, you'll have to ask them, because that's all anyone else knows."

Over the next few weeks, the farmer became obsessed with the Secret of Twah. Finally, he determined to discover the meaning of the mysterious word by going to the top of the mountain and asking the monks in person. He kissed his family and set off on the perilous journey.

It took him three months to reach the top of the mountain. In that time, he was attacked by six cougars, three giant eagles, a pack of ravenous wolves, several bands of roving vagabonds (he lost count because some of them attacked him multiple times), and an ill-tempered ferret. Finally, he reached the monastery at the top of the mountain and knocked.

A peephole opened, and a single green eye peered out at him. "Yes?" a voice, presumably belonging to the eye, asked.

"I've traveled from the village at the base of the mountain, and endurd much suffering along the way," the farmer replied. "I have come all this way because I want to learn the Secret of Twah."

The eye regarded him for a while, then the voice said, "I can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The peephole shut. The farmer stood and stared for a moment, then banged on the door again. The peephole opened, and the eye looked out at him again. "Yes?" the voice said.

"I have to know the Secret of Twah," the farmer said. "I have left everything behind. I must know!"

The eye looked at him. "Then you have to become a monk."

"Fine," said the farmer. "How do I become a monk?"

"We must prepare the Rite of Monkhood," said the voice. "Come back in one month."

NEXT: The Rite Begins

The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part VI

In part one, P.C. Viper entered the presidential campaign with a threat to kill Hamster, a puppy whom Viper also named his running mate. In part two, Samuel Bucks threatened to nuke Viper should Hamster die. In part three, the two debated the puppy issue. In part four, Viper released very nasty ads aimed at Samuel Bucks, and in part five, Samuel Bucks singlehandedly ruined his chances to become president.

On the day before the election, the popular daytime talk show “The Gavin McAvin Hour” aired live from Washington, DC. McAvin had an important announcement to make, as seen in this transcript from his opening monologue.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I’m coming to you live from our nation’s capitol instead of from Los Angeles because...well, let’s face it. Tomorrow is one of the most important days in American history. There’s been a lot of screaming and shouting so far, and it seems that the worst is over after the fall from grace of Sam Bucks. But I have some new information to share with the country that may just shake things up a bit. So, let’s cut to the chase, shall we? [applause] My first guest is a national celebrity, in fact, probably the most recognizable face in the world these days. So, without further ado, let’s bring him out. Hamster?

Mayhem ensued. The dog that trotted out on stage was most definitely Hamster, and obviously no longer in P.C. Viper’s control. McAvin spent the next few minutes comparing Hamster to known photos from Viper’s campaign, leaving no doubt. Then McAvin shocked the world:

We won’t give the details of Hamster’s dramatic rescue now. There are a few legal details that need to be hammered out, but it’s pretty apparent...Hamster will not die when Viper is not elected President. [applause] Now, please notice that I said “when”. Because I’m sure it’s obvious that no American can conscientiously give Viper their vote now. And Bucks is in disgrace, so we can’t vote for him either. Which brings me to my next guest. He has graciously agreed to enter the Presidential race at the last moment in order to give us an acceptable choice. Come on out! [thunderous applause, but no one comes out on stage] Hello? Is something wrong? [A stagehand walks out on stage and whispers in McAvin’s ear] OH! Silly me. I completely forgot. We have no other guest, because I WILL BE ENTERING THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE!!!

If it was mayhem before, it was pure bedlam now. For ten solid minutes, the audience whooped and cheered as every news organization in the world struck deals with the Gavin McAvin Hour to get a direct live feed. After McAvin finally calmed them down, he outlined his vision for the country, clearly demonstrating that this was not some spontaneous decision.

It wasn’t pretty. Viper’s vicious and hastily released rebuttal was jam packed unfounded accusations (“Gavin McAvin wears footy pajamas to bed!”), implications of foul play (“Thief! McAvin! We hates him!”), and more threats of violence (“You think I can’t find another puppy?”). No luck. Every single electoral vote went to Gavin McAvin on Election Day. In fact, all TV networks had called the race before all the polls were open that Tuesday.

To this day, P.C. Viper has still not conceded the race. He screamed loudly for a recount for a few months, then disappeared from the public eye. He would return.
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Thus ends chapter one of The PC Viper Chronicles. I don't know when chapter two will appear, but stay tuned.

The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part V

In part one, P.C. Viper announced his candidacy for president of the United States with a vicious threat against the innocent puppy Hamster. In part two, another candidate named Samuel Bucks vowed to nuke Viper if he harmed Hamster at all. In part three, the two debated the issue, and in part four, P.C. Viper got personal with Bucks.

On the Thursday before the election, Samuel Bucks gave a press conference condemning P.C. Viper, which backfired badly. Following is a transcript.

BUCKS: Thank you all for coming. This campaign is far from over today, but as my opponent becomes more and more desperate, I must reiterate my position. The threats he has made against this poor puppy are deplorable. The American people are sick of it, and will not stand for his attempt to hijack the nation’s highest office. Let me be even more clear. Mr. P.C. Viper has elevated his rhetoric beyond what we know as politics. He has insulted me, he has insulted this country, he has insulted puppies everywhere. How do we know that he will stop once he is elected president? How do we know that he will never again use the threat of violence against Vice President Hamster? When Congress is debating a bill, will Viper hold a gun to Hamster’s head to make them share his viewpoint? When the Supreme Court is deliberating on our First Amendment rights, will Viper put Hamster on a chopping block and lift an axe? If some foreign prime minister accidentally forgets to wipe his shoes at the White House, will Viper use Hamster to start World War III? But, even more chillingly, how do we know that it will just be Hamster? How do we know that P.C. Viper will not threaten hundreds of thousands of puppies, or kitty cats, or real hamsters, just to get his way? We cannot have this. But, simply putting Sam Bucks in office is no longer good enough to stop this maniac. When I am elected President, I will not nuke him only if he kills Hamster. I...WILL...NUKE HIM. He cannot escape. His kind cannot be allowed to live. He will die. We will hunt him down like a dog. Any questions?

[long, stunned silence. Finally one reporter raises her hand and asks, timidly:]

REPORTER #1: Um. Mr. Bucks, do I understand you correctly? You hunt dogs?

BUCKS: [flabbergasted] No! No, no. It’s just an expression!

REPORTER #2: But why would you choose that expression? It certainly implies that you hunt dogs.

BUCKS: Oh...no, of course not. I meant...you know...we would hunt him down like a dog... meaning that we would be the dog, and he would be the one hunted by the dog...he wouldn’t be the dog, of course, just the one hunted.

[awkward silence]

REPORTER #3: Then, shouldn’t it be “We will hunt him down like dogs?” Since the pronoun “we” implies multiple persons...

BUCKS: OK, now we’re just arguing sem...

REPORTER #4: Why not just say “We will hunt him down like hunters”?

BUCKS: But...no, “dog” is the metaphor.

REPORTER #3: Actually, I think that’s technically a simile.

BUCKS: Whatever! Fine, then, let me revise my statement. We will hunt him down in the manner that foxes are hunted by dogs!

REPORTER #2: So, could you confirm for the record that you are officially anti-fox?

BUCKS: I...what?

REPORTER #2: Anti-fox. You just said that you enjoy hunting foxes.

BUCKS: I never...

REPORTER #1: Were you aware that foxes and dogs are related?

REPORTER #4: What do you have against the canidae family?

[The rest of the press conference erupts in pandemonium as Bucks flees the scene.]

Bucks’ revelation that he was not a dog sympathizer after all threw the election into chaos. Overnight, he went from enjoying a healthy margin in the polls to being dead in the water - an early Friday poll showed Viper with a commanding 93-7 lead, with 6 of the 7 admitting they had not watched the news in a few days . It seemed that nothing could stop Viper from winning the presidency.
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IN THE FINAL EPISODE: A New President

The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part IV

In part one, P.C. Viper announced his candidacy for president by threatening the life of a puppy named Hamster. In part two, another candidate, Sam Bucks, denounced Viper's position and promised to nuke Viper if he actually killed Hamster. In part three, the two debated the issues before a national television audience.

In the final weeks before the election, other candidates got desperate. One declared that, if elected, he would eat a vat of live cockroaches. Another let it be known that his platform included annexing part of San Diego for a free national golf course. Still another (a famous actor) promised a part in his next movie to everyone who voted for him. No such luck. Every pundit in America still predicted victory for either Viper/Hamster or Bucks/Kamel.

(Victor Kamel [pronounced come-EL, with the emphasis on the EL] was named by Sam Bucks as his running mate two weeks before the election. The only thing Kamel was notable for was that he slept all the time. It was an odd choice for Bucks, but as Kamel’s competition was a puppy named Hamster, it didn’t really matter)

As time went on, it became apparent that a majority of the country was leaning towards the aggressive approach, and beginning to back Sam Bucks. A poll taken two weeks before the election showed Sam Bucks holding onto a 55-45 advantage. Viper immediately went on the offensive, releasing more ads that simultaneously succeeded in slandering Buck’s name (“My opponent is a nincompoop”) and in renewing his threats of violence. Here is one such ad, first aired ten days before the election.

You know, it’s one thing to threaten. It’s quite another to actually follow through. My opponent (who, it can now be exclusively revealed, still wets his bed) talks a big talk about [uses quotation fingers] “puppy-haters” and “nukes”. But, I don’t think he has the guts to carry through with his threat of nuking me off the face of this planet. For one thing, you’ll never find me. I’ll kill this puppy and scatter his entrails across the entire United States, and you’ll never know where I am. You’ll have to nuke all fifty states to make sure you get me, and where will your constituency be then? The only way to save this puppy is to vote for Viper.

Despite the vehemence, the American people seemed ready to embrace Sam Bucks as their next president.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: Don't count your chickens

The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part III

In part I, PC Viper announced his candidacy by threatening the life of a puppy named Hamster. In part II, another candidate named Sam Bucks denounced P.C. Viper's position and promised to nuke Viper if he killed Hamster.

The first and only official debate between P.C. Viper and Sam Bucks was historically important as the first nationally televised debate not to feature any major party candidates, only two independents. The debate took three hours, and not much was discussed except the puppy position. A partial transcript follows.

BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
MODERATOR: Please, gentlemen, let’s move to the next issue. National poverty levels have risen to record highs...
BUCKS: Poverty is a terrible thing.
VIPER: I agree.
BUCKS: That’s settled. You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!

And so on. Despite this fascinating exchange of ideas, the debate drew 200 million viewers, That’s more than any Super Bowl, or even more people than had voted in any election previously.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: Viper gets desperate

The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part II

In part I, a man named P.C. Viper announced his candidacy for President of the United States. The only campaign promise he made was that if not elected, he would kill a puppy named Hamster.

There was plenty of outrage to go around after the announcement, but most of the presidential candidates chose to ignore the threat, as P.C. Viper was obviously a lunatic. However, one man, Samuel Solomon Bucks, an independent from Wyoming, chose to fire back. Following is a transcript of his own ad, produced three days after the Viper ad.

My fellow Americans, you have heard much about the infamous puppy threat from one of my opponents, Mr. P.C. Viper. Some of my rivals in this campaign have opted not to respond, apparently fearful of alienating the puppy-hater demographic. However, I believe puppy-haters should not have a say in our government system, and I hereby denounce all puppy-hating activities.

Let me take this a step further. Mr. Viper has threatened to kill a puppy if he is not elected. This, I can guarantee, he will not do. For, if I am elected, and Mr. Viper carries through with his threat to murder poor Hamster, I will nuke his sorry carcass off the face of this planet. I’ll do it, too.

So, Mr. Viper. If you believe this stunt will win you the presidency, think again. Your vulgar threat will alienate the people of America that you wish to vote for you, and your following through will earn my everlasting enmity. If you kill that puppy, your days are numbered.

You know your options, America. Vote for Viper and cave in to blackmail. Or vote for Sam Bucks and vote for puppy insurance.

The response was immediate. The major party candidates were quickly forgotten, and all the news stations could talk about was the blossoming rivalry between Viper and Bucks. The former front runners quickly attempted to take a stand on puppy killing, but to no avail. Most pundits agreed it was too little too late, and the next president would most assuredly be either Bucks or Viper.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: The Debate

The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part I

As a preface to this story, let me just say that it's a little dark in its humor. Also, I know it says Chapter One, and that's only because it's part of a larger work. This first chapter has six parts. So, here we go with part one of chapter one of The PC Viper Chronicles.

CHAPTER ONE - Hail To The Chief?

It all started with a simple television ad. A young man, with straight sandy hair and stubble on his chin was shown sitting cross-legged in a large red armchair. His expression was hard to read since his mouth was tightened into a straight line. His voice was raspy, but his message was clear. A transcript follows. Notes in italics and brackets indicate actions.

My fellow Americans. My name is Patrick Charles Viper, and I have purchased this television time to inform you that I will be your next President. It has been a difficult decision, but after much soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion that what this country needs is for me to be sitting in the Oval Office come January.

Now, I know it’s frequently confusing when you step into the voting booth in November. All those names! You may have a tendency to vote for the most handsome candidate, or the one with the most interesting name, or you may even vote for the first one on the list. Just remember this time to put your mark next to the name “P.C. Viper”, and everything will be fine.

I realize this short ad may not convince anyone, but I’d like to offer this extra incentive. [lifts a puppy into his lap] This is my running mate, Hamster. He is not a hamster, he is, in fact, a puppy. Isn’t he cute? Don’t you just want to cuddle with him all night long. Well, I assure you, ladies and gentlemen...if you do not elect me as your next President this November, I will kill this puppy.

Barbaric, you say? Nothing of the sort. I will not kill this puppy if elected. He’ll live a long, full life, running around on the White House lawn. The only barbaric act here would be depriving him of that chance by electing someone else as your next President. Look at those big, brown puppy dog eyes. Look at those long, droopy ears. Look at that adorable puppy dog face. Isn’t he just the most precious thing you’ve ever seen? And you’re willing to let him die? What kind of person are you?

So save this puppy. Vote P.C. Viper for President. Do it for Hamster.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: The Fallout

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part VII

When last we left Captain Obvious and Dr. Sarcasm, they had just arrived at the Obvious Cave to find someone waiting for them...the Worm.

OBVIOUS: Excuse me, but this is a private facility. I’m afraid you’ll have to leave.

WORM: Oh, I’ll leave all right...after I’ve killed you. (pulls a gun from his coat)

OBVIOUS: Fiend! Who are you?

SARCASM: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you could figure that out on your own. Worm, Captain Obvious. Captain Obvious, allow me to present...The Worm.

OBVIOUS: AHA! I was getting too close so you’ve sniffed me out to try and catch me off guard!

WORM: Too close? Apparently not.

OBVIOUS: Excuse me?

WORM: Three months ago, I developed an elaborate scheme to capture you and rid this town of your poison once and for all. I began to murder people under the pseudonym of “The Worm.” I knew the police would call you in to help them solve the case, because they would be completely clueless...I was very careful. I covered all of my tracks, I was extraordinarily efficient. I wanted my opportunity to destroy you... but I never got it. I underestimated the police department’s need of you. I continued to kill, hoping the clueless police department would give up and call you in. But they didn’t. So I used the Mayor’s technology against you...I began to kill in populated areas, so the neighbors might e-mail their emergencies in. And sure enough, one idiot lady did, and you finally arrived on the scene.

OBVIOUS: Idiot? She was just doing her civic duty, and while I’m flattered that you’d go through all of this just to satisfy some deep personal grudge against me, you could have just told me your concerns, and we could’ve gone to Starbucks and discussed what I could be doing over a nice frappucino...

WORM: I’M NOT FINISHED WITH THE DENOUEMENT YET!!!

OBVIOUS: Oh, dear. I’m sorry. Please continue.

WORM: I waited at the scene of the crime after the cops had cleared out. Waited for you to come back and search for clues that you or the incompetent police department may have missed. But no, you sent your sidekick. Fine, I said. I’ll abduct the sidekick, and when Captain Obvious comes to rescue him, I’ll destroy them both. BUT YOU NEVER CAME!

OBVIOUS: I was waiting at the rendezvous point! How was I supposed to know!

WORM: SILENCE!

OBVIOUS: A please would be nice...

WORM: (ignoring him) All night, I awaited your arrival. Finally, I released your sidekick. He was of no use to me dead since it was apparent that you cared nothing for him. So I decided to wait for you at your “secret lair.”

OBVIOUS: Yes, how did you find this place anyway? Did you torture the information out of poor Dr. Sarcasm?

WORM: It was in the phone book.

SARCASM: I hate to tell you I told you so, but...who am I kidding? I love to tell you I told you so! Nyeah!

OBVIOUS: The phone book, eh? I knew this had something to do with the phone book!

SARCASM: Yes, you’re very smart.

OBVIOUS: You selected all your victims from the phone book in a ruthless attempt to eliminate the good citizens of this town one by one!

WORM: Wait...haven’t you been listening? I killed those people so I could get to you!

OBVIOUS: Then, when I discovered your pattern, you decided I was too close for comfort and you came here to get the drop on me!

WORM: No! Are you deaf?

SARCASM: You see what I have to deal with everyday?

OBVIOUS: But you’ll never get away with it, you monster! For I am Captain Obvious, beloved superhero and protector of the entire city! In the unlikely instance that anything should happen to me, the people would go up in arms! You’d never had a moment’s peace! You’d be a fugitive from justice all the rest of your day!

WORM: I...I...I don’t know what to say...

OBVIOUS: Ah, the stirrings of a conscience! Give yourself up now, and I may be able to get your sentence commuted from one billion years in prison to one million!

WORM: No...it’s just...

OBVIOUS: Yes?

WORM: Well...I’ve wasted the last three months of my life trying to destroy an ignoramus!

OBVIOUS: Beg your pardon?

WORM: You! Eight people are dead because I thought you were a superhero worthy of my most evil schemes! Turns out your just another lunatic in tights!

OBVIOUS: Excuse me? Lunatic? Me? Mr. I-Killed-Eight-People-Because-I’m Jealous? I’ll have you know I have certifications in superherohood from nineteen different comic book conventions!

WORM: (pause) OK. Fine! Show me a super power!

OBVIOUS: What?

WORM: One super power! That’s all! Just one! One eensy-weensy super power, and I’ll turn myself in. I’ll even plug myself into the electric chair.

SARCASM: You know, I’m kind of interested in seeing this myself.

OBVIOUS: I don’t have to justify myself to either of you!

WORM: Oh, come on! Zap me with your laser beam eyes! Or fly around the room! Leap tall buildings in a single bound! Outrace a train! Zap me with lightning bolts from your fingers!

SARCASM: Drink spoiled milk and don’t get sick.

WORM: I’m waiting, Captain Obvious! Prove you’re worth sparing!

OBVIOUS: I once went a whole day without eating potato chips...

WORM: I knew it. Nothing. Well, maybe nothing...

OBVIOUS: I’m sorry?

WORM: One little test... (raises gun) ...to see if you’re bulletproof.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (offstage) FREEZE!

(At this, several police come in and apprehend THE WORM. SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and DETECTIVE MCGUNKY are among them.)

WORM: NOOOOOOOOO! Five more seconds! Please! Just let me kill him! Then do whatever you want with me! Please!

(SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS looks torn. He looks at THE WORM, then at CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, and back to THE WORM.)

MCGUNKY: You know you can’t let him do that, sir.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: How about mutilation? Not kill him, just put him in a hospital for a few months.

MCGUNKY: Sergeant.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Yeah, I know. Take him away, boys.

WORM: (fighting against the cops) THIS ISN’T OVER, OBVIOUS! YOU WILL DIE BY MY HANDS! I SWEAR IT! (he’s dragged off kicking and screaming)

OBVIOUS: Well done, officers! But how did you know?

MCGUNKY: The Mayor called us and told us that Dr. Sarcasm had spent the night in The Worm’s custody. We actually just came to get his statement, finding The Worm was just a happy coincidence. And it looks like we arrived just in time.

OBVIOUS: And how, may I ask, did you find my secret lair?

MCGUNKY: It’s in the phone book.

OBVIOUS: (turning to DR. SARCASM) You see, Dr. Sarcasm? Had I followed your advice and kept an unlisted number, we may never have caught that madman!

SARCASM: Well, I don’t suppose I can argue with that...

OBVIOUS: (turning back to the officers) Well, gentlemen, I applaud you for doing your duty. Once again, you have justified my decision to vote against tax cuts that would hurt the police department. Dr. Sarcasm!

SARCASM: Yah.

OBVIOUS: There are many more crimes to solve in the sleeping city! Come along! Gentlemen, can you lock up when you’re done?

MCGUNKY: Oh...er...yeah, I guess so.

OBVIOUS: Wonderful! To the Obviousmobile! (exits)

SARCASM: Off on another exciting adventure! Hoo-RAY! We’re off to see the wizard... (skips out)

MCGUNKY: (looking at his watch) Sleeping city? It’s 2:30 in the afternoon!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: We should’ve let The Worm kill him.

MCGUNKY: Oh, I don’t know...somewhere, there’s hurt...somewhere there’s pain...somewhere there’s suffering...and wherever you find criminals...you will find Captain Obvious!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: And isn’t that a bad thing?

MCGUNKY: Yeah, you’re right. We should have let The Worm kill him. (both exit)

THE END

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part VI

Scene Six. The Obvious Cave. When CAPTAIN OBVIOUS and DR. SARCASM enter, it is dark.

OBVIOUS: Lights! (nothing happens) AHEM! I said LIGHTS! (Nothing continues to happen. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS claps his hands. Nothing persists in happening.) Nothing seems to be happening.

SARCASM: Brilliant observation, Sherlock.

OBVIOUS: Captain Obvious.

SARCASM: Darn, screwed up again.

OBVIOUS: You know, this memory thing is going to get you into real trouble some day. Perhaps you should...oh.

SARCASM: What?

OBVIOUS: I understand. Dr. SARCASM. As in being sarcastic. I just caught that.

SARCASM: Did you think that was just my last name?

OBVIOUS: Well...yes.

SARCASM: You thought my name was something like John Sarcasm? What’s your real name, George Obvious?

OBVIOUS: Bill, actually.

SARCASM: What?

OBVIOUS: Bill Obvious. I didn’t know we could choose different names. Interesting.

SARCASM: I’m not having this conversation.

OBVIOUS: But, this doesn’t explain why the lights aren’t on.

SARCASM: Did you try the light switch?

OBVIOUS: Ah. The maid must have turned it off there by accident.

SARCASM: The maid?

OBVIOUS: Yes.

SARCASM: When did we get a maid?

OBVIOUS: Oh, didn’t I tell you? She started last week. I got tired of cleaning up after myself, so I hired a maid.

SARCASM: Why don’t we just have a big sign out front that says, “CAPTAIN OBVIOUS’ SECRET LAIR”?

OBVIOUS: It wouldn’t be secret then, would it?

SARCASM: Yeah, and we’re hiding it from the world anyway by having it in the phone book.

OBVIOUS: (at the light switch) Let there be light! (And it is so. But looking around the room, they see that it has been ransacked.) Merciful heavens! We’ve been robbed!

SARCASM: How do you think they found us?

OBVIOUS: More importantly, who is “they”?

VOICE: (coldly, from offstage) I think you know the answer to that, Captain Obvious.

OBVIOUS: That voice...who is it...

WORM: (emerges from the shadows, stage left) We meet at last.
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Can Captain Obvious and Doctor Sarcasm possibly get out of this alive? What nefarious scheme does the Worm have planned? Is Captain Obvious a real captain? WHEN WILL THIS STORY END?!? The answers to some of these questions, plus some others that I didn't mention, and minus some that you really want to know but won't, can be found in the thrilling finale of THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part V

Scene Five. The Obviousmobile. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS is driving.

OBVIOUS: ...and so, if we line up all the victims as relates to their position in the phone book, we may be able to discover his method of flipping. Random flipping usually alternates between sections, front and back. We just may have a chance here.

SARCASM: As usual, your intellect enthralls me.

OBVIOUS: (pause) You know, Dr. Sarcasm, it occurs to me that when you say things like that, you’re not always being entirely forthcoming.

SARCASM: Whatever gave you that idea?

OBVIOUS: Well, I am Captain Obvious.

SARCASM: Right, I keep forgetting.

OBVIOUS: It’s strange that you would keep forgetting that.

SARCASM: Completely bizarre. Perhaps I should see a doctor.

OBVIOUS: But you are a doctor.

SARCASM: A doctor of sarcasmology...we’re not quite qualified to perform complicated medical procedures like lobotomies...though we’d really like to try on some people.

OBVIOUS: Where do you get that sort of degree?

SARCASM: In sarcasmology?

OBVIOUS: No, in underwater basket weaving.

SARCASM: (impressed) Well done!

OBVIOUS: What?

SARCASM: A fine display of sarcasm! There’s hope for you yet!

OBVIOUS: I was serious. I was thinking about it this morning, in the shower, and wondered where underwater basket weavers got their training. It seems logical that some universities and institutions of higher learning would have such a program, though I’ve never come across them. That’s what a lobotomy is, isn’t it? A style of underwater basket weaving?

SARCASM: Thank you for proving that cynicism is always going to be the best method of dealing with your kind. Guess that’ll teach me to jump to conclusions...

OBVIOUS: Nonetheless, we must concentrate on the task at hand! The Obvious Cave awaits!

SARCASM: Oh boy.

Go To Part Six

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part IV

Scene Four. The mayor’s office. The MAYOR is behind his desk, talking on the phone.

MAYOR : Look, Constantinopolous...I know some of his methods are a bit unorthodox... (winces and pulls the phone from his ear, as if he’s being yelled at) ...but the fact remains that this town needs a superhero, and Captain Obvious is our only choice!.......No, we can’t fire him! We don’t even pay him!.......Now, I’m sure that’s just unsubstantiated gossip...what? Well, that takes a certain amount of ingenuity, doesn’t it? I mean, motorcycles don’t just climb up high dives by themselves.......I’ve had enough of this conversation, Sergeant Constantinopolous. I believe you have a serial killer on the loose, and I believe you need to be making every effort to capture him.......I don’t like the tone of your voice, Sergeant, but yes, he’s making every effort as well. After all two heads are better than one...yes, I know there’s more than one head on the police force, it’s only...never mind. Back to work, and I don’t want to hear another word about it. (slams the phone down, then presses the intercom button) Lois, no more calls. I need to think.

LOIS: (offstage, as if on an intercom) But sir, Captain Obvious is here to see you.

MAYOR: Well, send him in!

(The MAYOR walks over stage left to look out at the audience, as if looking out a window. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS enters stage right, notices the MAYOR, and goes to stand right behind his shoulder, also looking out at the audience. After a few moments, the MAYOR turns and starts upon noticing his new shadow.)

OBVIOUS: Hello, Mayor.

MAYOR: Please don’t do that again, Captain Obvious. (clasping his chest, he walks over to his desk and sits down) What can I do for you?

OBVIOUS: Well, there’s the small matter of this psychotic Worm on the loose...

MAYOR: Ah yes, the Worm...do you have any more information on that?

OBVIOUS: Yes, I spent the afternoon on the internet. It’s amazing, I didn’t realize the Worm was such a prolific villain...

MAYOR: Really? Even though he's been at large for three months?

OBVIOUS: Ah, so you’re familiar with the case file already. Good, that’ll cut down on the exposition time.

MAYOR: What?

OBVIOUS: I went through his list of victims very carefully, and tried to expose some patterns. First, I tried names. No luck there, alphabetically, letters contained, nothing. No patterns. I tried ages, genders, race, religion, type of underwear, favorite brand of cheese, CD collections, body type, and preference between Coke and Pepsi. Nothing. Then, I thought of something truly frightening. I tested my theory, and I was correct. I have found the common bond between all these victims!

MAYOR: (excitedly) And what is that, Captain Obvious?

OBVIOUS: They’re all...IN THE PHONE BOOK!

MAYOR: (A stunned silence follows. Then) The phone book.

OBVIOUS: Yes, Mayor.

MAYOR: That’s...your big common thread.

OBVIOUS: Yes, Mayor.

MAYOR: Hmm. (presses his intercom button) Lois?

LOIS: (offstage) Yes, sir?

MAYOR: Please call Sergeant Constantinopolous for me and convey my sincerest apologies for contradicting him.

LOIS: Yes, sir.

OBVIOUS: Been talking to Sergeant Constantinopolous, eh?

MAYOR: Yes. Just before you arrived, as a matter of fact.

OBVIOUS: Wonderful man. I sense that he somehow resents me being on the case, as if I am trying to steal his glory. He can put those fears to rest, however, because I want no glory for myself. My cause is the people, my fight is with evil. (standing up, voice getting louder and more dramatic) If I stop all the forces of darkness in this world and never see one headline, my job will be complete. For I am...

MAYOR: Captain Obvious!

OBVIOUS: (starts) Yes?

MAYOR: What do you propose to do next?

OBVIOUS: Oh! (looks at his watch, sits) Well, Dr. Sarcasm went to check out the scene of the crime. I told him to meet me here, so as soon as he arrives, we’ll scientifically examine the phone book to determine the Worm’s method, then logically discover the next victim and lay a trap! He’ll never know what hit ‘im!

MAYOR: So, when do you suppose Dr. Sarcasm will arrive?

OBVIOUS: Any minute now.

(Blackout, as if it is nighttime. MAYOR starts snoring)

OBVIOUS: Mayor! (MAYOR starts) We cannot rest. We must be alert when Dr. Sarcasm arrives!

(Lights come up, signifying the next day. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS is sprawled out in his chair, fast asleep. The MAYOR has his head on his desk. Both are snoring. DR. SARCASM limps in from stage right, severely beaten up. He looks at both sleeping men, then screams. Both MAYOR and OBVIOUS jump)

SARCASM: Oh dear, did I disturb your slumber? A thousand apologies.

OBVIOUS: Quite all right... (yawns) What took you so long?

SARCASM: Well, I would have been here sooner, but I got jumped.

OBVIOUS: Jumped! Who would have expected that?

SARCASM: Apparently, just me.

OBVIOUS: What happened?

SARCASM: Well, the Worm was waiting outside the apartment when I arrived. He grabbed me, knocked me out, and took me to an undisclosed location. There I was beaten tortured and left to die hanging over a pool of sharks. All the time, I had to listen to him cackling and saying, “As soon as your Captain Obvious arrives to save you, you will both perish, moo hah hah hah hah, yadda yadda yadda, rule the world,” you know, basic villain stuff. So we waited...and waited...and waited some more...then, when it was apparent that you weren’t going to show up, he cut me down and sent me home to give you a message.

OBVIOUS: What message?

SARCASM: (gives a raspberry) PHHHHHBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

(At this, the MAYOR starts to laugh. And he can’t stop for the rest of the scene. He even falls on the floor and rolls around for a while.)

OBVIOUS: Well, we are thankful that you are safe, Dr. Sarcasm...oh, pull yourself together, Mayor!

SARCASM: Oh, let him laugh. I’m sure he needs to release the energy after being cooped up with you all night.

OBVIOUS: Well...umm...ah, yes. We have many things to do, Dr. Sarcasm. I have discovered the link between victims that will enable us to determine the identity of the Worm!

SARCASM: I know who he is.

OBVIOUS: I’ll explain in the Obviousmobile!

SARCASM: I saw his face! I know who he is!

OBVIOUS: Come, Dr. Sarcasm! Grow up, Mayor! (exits stage right)

SARCASM: Why me? (follows reluctantly. MAYOR continues to roll on the ground laughing hysterically)

Go To Part Five