The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part VII

When last we left Captain Obvious and Dr. Sarcasm, they had just arrived at the Obvious Cave to find someone waiting for them...the Worm.

OBVIOUS: Excuse me, but this is a private facility. I’m afraid you’ll have to leave.

WORM: Oh, I’ll leave all right...after I’ve killed you. (pulls a gun from his coat)

OBVIOUS: Fiend! Who are you?

SARCASM: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you could figure that out on your own. Worm, Captain Obvious. Captain Obvious, allow me to present...The Worm.

OBVIOUS: AHA! I was getting too close so you’ve sniffed me out to try and catch me off guard!

WORM: Too close? Apparently not.

OBVIOUS: Excuse me?

WORM: Three months ago, I developed an elaborate scheme to capture you and rid this town of your poison once and for all. I began to murder people under the pseudonym of “The Worm.” I knew the police would call you in to help them solve the case, because they would be completely clueless...I was very careful. I covered all of my tracks, I was extraordinarily efficient. I wanted my opportunity to destroy you... but I never got it. I underestimated the police department’s need of you. I continued to kill, hoping the clueless police department would give up and call you in. But they didn’t. So I used the Mayor’s technology against you...I began to kill in populated areas, so the neighbors might e-mail their emergencies in. And sure enough, one idiot lady did, and you finally arrived on the scene.

OBVIOUS: Idiot? She was just doing her civic duty, and while I’m flattered that you’d go through all of this just to satisfy some deep personal grudge against me, you could have just told me your concerns, and we could’ve gone to Starbucks and discussed what I could be doing over a nice frappucino...

WORM: I’M NOT FINISHED WITH THE DENOUEMENT YET!!!

OBVIOUS: Oh, dear. I’m sorry. Please continue.

WORM: I waited at the scene of the crime after the cops had cleared out. Waited for you to come back and search for clues that you or the incompetent police department may have missed. But no, you sent your sidekick. Fine, I said. I’ll abduct the sidekick, and when Captain Obvious comes to rescue him, I’ll destroy them both. BUT YOU NEVER CAME!

OBVIOUS: I was waiting at the rendezvous point! How was I supposed to know!

WORM: SILENCE!

OBVIOUS: A please would be nice...

WORM: (ignoring him) All night, I awaited your arrival. Finally, I released your sidekick. He was of no use to me dead since it was apparent that you cared nothing for him. So I decided to wait for you at your “secret lair.”

OBVIOUS: Yes, how did you find this place anyway? Did you torture the information out of poor Dr. Sarcasm?

WORM: It was in the phone book.

SARCASM: I hate to tell you I told you so, but...who am I kidding? I love to tell you I told you so! Nyeah!

OBVIOUS: The phone book, eh? I knew this had something to do with the phone book!

SARCASM: Yes, you’re very smart.

OBVIOUS: You selected all your victims from the phone book in a ruthless attempt to eliminate the good citizens of this town one by one!

WORM: Wait...haven’t you been listening? I killed those people so I could get to you!

OBVIOUS: Then, when I discovered your pattern, you decided I was too close for comfort and you came here to get the drop on me!

WORM: No! Are you deaf?

SARCASM: You see what I have to deal with everyday?

OBVIOUS: But you’ll never get away with it, you monster! For I am Captain Obvious, beloved superhero and protector of the entire city! In the unlikely instance that anything should happen to me, the people would go up in arms! You’d never had a moment’s peace! You’d be a fugitive from justice all the rest of your day!

WORM: I...I...I don’t know what to say...

OBVIOUS: Ah, the stirrings of a conscience! Give yourself up now, and I may be able to get your sentence commuted from one billion years in prison to one million!

WORM: No...it’s just...

OBVIOUS: Yes?

WORM: Well...I’ve wasted the last three months of my life trying to destroy an ignoramus!

OBVIOUS: Beg your pardon?

WORM: You! Eight people are dead because I thought you were a superhero worthy of my most evil schemes! Turns out your just another lunatic in tights!

OBVIOUS: Excuse me? Lunatic? Me? Mr. I-Killed-Eight-People-Because-I’m Jealous? I’ll have you know I have certifications in superherohood from nineteen different comic book conventions!

WORM: (pause) OK. Fine! Show me a super power!

OBVIOUS: What?

WORM: One super power! That’s all! Just one! One eensy-weensy super power, and I’ll turn myself in. I’ll even plug myself into the electric chair.

SARCASM: You know, I’m kind of interested in seeing this myself.

OBVIOUS: I don’t have to justify myself to either of you!

WORM: Oh, come on! Zap me with your laser beam eyes! Or fly around the room! Leap tall buildings in a single bound! Outrace a train! Zap me with lightning bolts from your fingers!

SARCASM: Drink spoiled milk and don’t get sick.

WORM: I’m waiting, Captain Obvious! Prove you’re worth sparing!

OBVIOUS: I once went a whole day without eating potato chips...

WORM: I knew it. Nothing. Well, maybe nothing...

OBVIOUS: I’m sorry?

WORM: One little test... (raises gun) ...to see if you’re bulletproof.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (offstage) FREEZE!

(At this, several police come in and apprehend THE WORM. SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and DETECTIVE MCGUNKY are among them.)

WORM: NOOOOOOOOO! Five more seconds! Please! Just let me kill him! Then do whatever you want with me! Please!

(SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS looks torn. He looks at THE WORM, then at CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, and back to THE WORM.)

MCGUNKY: You know you can’t let him do that, sir.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: How about mutilation? Not kill him, just put him in a hospital for a few months.

MCGUNKY: Sergeant.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Yeah, I know. Take him away, boys.

WORM: (fighting against the cops) THIS ISN’T OVER, OBVIOUS! YOU WILL DIE BY MY HANDS! I SWEAR IT! (he’s dragged off kicking and screaming)

OBVIOUS: Well done, officers! But how did you know?

MCGUNKY: The Mayor called us and told us that Dr. Sarcasm had spent the night in The Worm’s custody. We actually just came to get his statement, finding The Worm was just a happy coincidence. And it looks like we arrived just in time.

OBVIOUS: And how, may I ask, did you find my secret lair?

MCGUNKY: It’s in the phone book.

OBVIOUS: (turning to DR. SARCASM) You see, Dr. Sarcasm? Had I followed your advice and kept an unlisted number, we may never have caught that madman!

SARCASM: Well, I don’t suppose I can argue with that...

OBVIOUS: (turning back to the officers) Well, gentlemen, I applaud you for doing your duty. Once again, you have justified my decision to vote against tax cuts that would hurt the police department. Dr. Sarcasm!

SARCASM: Yah.

OBVIOUS: There are many more crimes to solve in the sleeping city! Come along! Gentlemen, can you lock up when you’re done?

MCGUNKY: Oh...er...yeah, I guess so.

OBVIOUS: Wonderful! To the Obviousmobile! (exits)

SARCASM: Off on another exciting adventure! Hoo-RAY! We’re off to see the wizard... (skips out)

MCGUNKY: (looking at his watch) Sleeping city? It’s 2:30 in the afternoon!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: We should’ve let The Worm kill him.

MCGUNKY: Oh, I don’t know...somewhere, there’s hurt...somewhere there’s pain...somewhere there’s suffering...and wherever you find criminals...you will find Captain Obvious!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: And isn’t that a bad thing?

MCGUNKY: Yeah, you’re right. We should have let The Worm kill him. (both exit)

THE END