The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part I

Scene One. A dimly lit and ransacked apartment. Tables are overturned. There is a broken window on the wall next to a large message written in blood that reads “The Worm strikes again!” A body lies in the center of the floor, with a white sheet covering its features. SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and DETECTIVE MCGUNKY stand over the body, making notes.

SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Well, I know I haven’t got a clue.

DETECTIVE MCGUNKY: Who notified us?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (gesturing stage left) Ah, his next door neighbor heard the gunshot and let us know. She says she didn’t see anything or hear anything else, just freaked out when she heard the gun.

MCGUNKY: I can imagine. She didn’t....

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I’m afraid she did.

MCGUNKY: (buries face in hands, and emits a frustrated yell) ARGH! (looks up) We tell these people to call 911 for a reason, you know! It’s not like it’s that hard! Pick up the phone, dial nine, then one, then one, and wait for the operator to pick up! Why do they all insist on using the internet?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Blame the mayor. It was his idea to put emergency service on the internet and forward all requests to that idiot.

MCGUNKY: How much do you think he’s getting under the table for the favor?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Not enough, I can tell you that. Pretty soon, he’ll have us all replaced by computers.

MCGUNKY: How long until he shows up?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Any minute now.

(As if on cue [which it is, to tell the truth], CAPTAIN OBVIOUS strolls in from stage left, followed by a very bored DR. SARCASM)

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: (strikes his best superhero pose, and bellows) Gentlemen, I have arrived! Allow me to introduce myself, Captain Obvious! And this (extending an arm to his sulking companion) is my faithful sidekick, Dr. Sarcasm!

DR. SARCASM: It is an unbelievably wonderful pleasure to meet you all. Again. (rolls eyes as OBVIOUS turns to CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and MCGUNKY)

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Yes, Captain Obvious, we know who you are.

OBVIOUS: Ahh, Sergeant Constantinopolous! And Detective McGunky! The finest our fair city has to offer! This must be a difficult case indeed! (CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and MCGUNKY don’t respond, they just stare at him in cold contempt. Several moments pass.) Ahh, so, may I ask why we’re here?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (Looks around the room. It’s fairly obvious to everyone why we’re here, what with the overturned tables, murder victim on the floor, and a giant message on the wall written in blood. HE looks back to CAPTAIN OBVIOUS) Yes, you may.

OBVIOUS: Good. (A brief pause as OBVIOUS smiles radiantly at the two policemen. Finally:) Why are we here?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: This. (gestures to the sheet on the floor)

OBVIOUS: I see! (rubs chin thoughtfully as he examines the sheet from where he stands) Is there something under the sheet?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Why, yes, Captain Obvious. Would you like to see that as well?

OBVIOUS: It may help to shed some light on the situation.

(MCGUNKY lifts the sheet so that the audience cannot see what is under there, but all four men can. OBVIOUS is noticeably affected.)

OBVIOUS: Yes. I see. Hmm. Very interesting.

MCGUNKY: Would you care to share some insight on this case, Captain Obvious?

OBVIOUS: Yes, well...it would appear that this man has been murdered.

SARCASM: Brilliant observation, Captain Obvious! Tell me, what tipped you off...the fact that his brains are everywhere? Or the presence of bullet holes all over his body? Or perhaps the giant message on the wall over there from the killer? Or did you just deduce that from the fact the place is milling with cops?

OBVIOUS: Well, my first clue was that he was dead...

MCGUNKY: (Snorts with laughter. OBVIOUS looks at him severely. Immediately composes himself.) Oh. You were serious. Sorry.

OBVIOUS: (looking slightly miffed) But yes, those other things did have something to do with it. Though, I had yet to notice the message on the wall.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (irritated) How did you miss that? It covers the whole wall and is written in blood!

OBVIOUS: Forgive me, Sergeant Constantinopolous. I’ve only been here five minutes.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I noticed it when I walked in the door!

MCGUNKY: (taking CONSTANTINOPOLOUS aside) Calm down, Sergeant. Indulge the man. He’s the mayor’s pet. (CONSTANTINOPOLOUS growls in reply)

OBVIOUS: (studying the message as if the last exchange never occurred) Hmmm. “The Worm strikes again.” “The Worm?” It seems that a worm would not be able to summon the necessary strength to squeeze the trigger of a shotgun, much less be able to write this message in such large letters, in English, even! I would have expected some form of Wormish, or whatever language worms speak. But English! Amazing! We are dealing with a truly dangerous and ingenious species here, gentlemen! We start at the bait shop!

MCGUNKY: Um...Captain Obvious? I believe that “The Worm” is just a nickname.

OBVIOUS: (stares at the message for a few more moments) Yes, that does make more sense. Too bad. I was looking forward to getting some fishing in.

(At this, CONSTANTINOPOLOUS claps a hand over his mouth and exits stage left. As soon as he has left the room, a primal scream is heard. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS looks up sharply)

OBVIOUS: The Worm! He’s attacked Sergeant Constantinopolous! Are none of us safe?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (reentering) I feel better now.

OBVIOUS: Thanks heavens! (He rushes over and embraces the SERGEANT) When we heard the scream, we feared the worst. It is such a relief to see you alive once more! But, there is no time for celebration! We must pursue he criminal before he gets too far away! Come, Dr. Sarcasm! We must collect evidence! (rushes out stage left)

SARCASM: (follows slowly. When he reaches the exit, he turns and says, with all sincerity for the only time in the production) I’m truly, truly sorry. (turns and exits)

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: How did that guy get to be a superhero anyway?

MCGUNKY: His mom dropped him on his head when he was a baby. Made him think he had superpowers. Anyway, the mayor decided we needed a superhero in this town, and since all the good ones were taken, we got Captain Obvious.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: God help us all. (fade out)

Go To Part Two