The cheepmunk gnawed on a bunkleberry. This was odd, since there was no bunkleberry tree within one hundred miles of the spot. The cheepmunk itself was not that dissimilar to what we know as a chipmunk - it was small, furry, had a cute little face and a tendency to sing popular songs in a high squeaky voice. Nevertheless, there are some clear differences - for one, it was green. For another, it had a beak. And for another, it had sharp little claws that could give a nasty scratch if an offending party got too close.
The cheepmunk paused in mid chew. A steady “clop-clop-clop” sound was announcing the arrival of something much larger than itself. The cheepmunk decided that its claws would not help in this circumstance, so it postponed the bunkleberry feast and dove into its hole.
At that moment, two riders on horseback appeared. One was tall, broad shouldered, and had a flowing mane of red hair. He wore a greenish tunic and a scabbard that held a large sword. This was William Rumper, the greatest hero in Greenstone.
At his side rode a slightly shorter man whose head was covered in blonde hair. He had a full beard, and carried a scar on his left cheek. This was Hugo Gritt, William Rumper’s truest friend and comrade in arms.
The two had been riding in silence for several miles now. The sun burned hot from overhead. The horses trotted along, enjoying the warm day.
Hugo was the first to break the silence. “So, what are we doing again?”
“You know,” said William. “Traveling across the land. Seeking adventure. Battling the forces of evil.”
“We did that yesterday,” Hugo grumbled.
“Yeah, well, that’s what we do,” William responded.
“I’m sick of it,” griped Hugo.
“It can’t all be apocalyptic battles with demons and vicious beasts, you know,” William told him. “There’s lots of stuff to see and do out here.”
“Like what?” Hugo demanded.
“Didn’t you see that cheepmunk? You don’t see those everyday.”
“Cheepmunk,” Hugo snorted. “Oooh, I’m terrified. I might get a scratch.”
“Those things sting,” William replied. “Anyway, you got a better idea?”
“Yep,” said Hugo. “How about we explore other planets in search of intelligent life?”
William stopped his horse and stared at his friend. “Explore other planets in search of intelligent life?”
“Yeah!” said Hugo excitedly. “It’d be better than just wandering around looking for cheepmunks.”
“No,” said William, and started his horse again.
“Why not?” Hugo complained. “We never explore other planets in search of intelligent life!”
“That’s because it’s stupid,” said William.
“Oh, and wandering around with nothing to do isn’t?” said Hugo. “We’re always traveling across the land, seeking adventure and battling the forces of evil. Just for once, I’d like to explore other planets in search of intelligent life.”
William thought about this. “What if we don’t find any?”
“We won’t know unless we try, will we?” Hugo smelled victory.
William sighed. “FINE,” he said. “Just one problem. How will we get there?”
Hugo smiled. “I know just the thing.”
-------------------------------------------
“What is that?” William wanted to know.
“It’s our spacecraft,” Hugo replied happily. “Are you ready to go?”
“It looks like a hunk of wood,” William said.
Indeed, the spacecraft could not have looked more rickety. It barely looked like it could hold the both of them, and definitely looked like it would not survive the journey through the earth’s atmosphere.
“Stop being a baby,” said Hugo. “Are you putting on your spacesuit?”
“No,” said William. “I wouldn’t have any place to put my sword.”
“Whatever,” said Hugo with a shrug. “Don’t come crying to me when you suffocate in the vacuum of space.”
“Wouldn’t I be too busy suffocating to cry to anyone?”
“Just shut up and get in.”
Grumbling, William climbed in the rocket. Hugo flipped a few levers as if he’d been doing this all his life, and the spaceship rose slowly into the air. With a roar of the engines, it shot off into the sky.
The sky got less and less blue as the craft rose, and finally turned black. The two heroes looked with wonder at the stars dotted all around.
A deafening roar behind the ship got their attention. They looked over their shoulders to see a giant fireball where the earth had been moments ago.
“OH NO!” cried Hugo. “THE EARTH BLEW UP! WE GOT OUT JUST IN TIME!”
“No it didn’t,” said William, as the fireball cleared to reveal the planet exactly as it had been. “Stop being ridiculous.”
“Sorry,” Hugo mumbled. “Just trying to keep things interesting.” Then, louder, he said, “Making the jump to hyperspace in 3...2...1...NOW!”
The stars blurred into long streaks of light beside the spacecraft as it hurtled forward. William stared disinterestedly out the window.
“Are we there yet?” he asked.
“Nope, sorry,” said Hugo. “We’ve got 43 billion light years to go.”
William sighed. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
“You should have thought about that before we left,” said Hugo. “Ah, here we go.”
The spaceship slowed and the stars returned to normal. The ship was now in orbit around a small yellowish planet. Hugo grinned at it.
“Now what?” William prompted after a minute of silence. Hugo was not used to being in charge of missions.
“Oh, uh,” said Hugo. “We land. And search for intelligent life.”
“What if intelligent life doesn’t want to be found?”
“Well, I have my blaster...”
“Wonderful. Little red beams of light. I feel so safe.”
“Yeah, well, if the intelligent life is really intent on not being disturbed, I’d rather be at a safe distance with my blaster than close up with your sword.”
“Just land this stupid thing.”
----------------------------------
Now on the surface of the planet, Hugo jumped out of the spaceship. William reluctantly followed. “Where do we start?” he asked.
“Um...why don’t we go on top of that hill and look around?” Hugo started walking toward a large rounded hill that was the only landscape feature in their sight. William followed, feeling slightly uneasy about the squishiness of the ground beneath their feet.
The two climbed to the top of the hill, but couldn’t see much. Far in the distance, they spotted another rounded hill almost identical to the one on which they were standing. There was another, taller hill in a different direction. It seemed to have a sharp ridge leading to the peak, where it rounded off and sloped down. Two smaller rounded hills sat on either side.
“HELLO!” called Hugo. “INTELLIGENT LIFE!”
“Shh!” said William. “I have a bad feeling about this.”
“We came to find intelligent life,” said Hugo in anger. “How are we supposed to find it if we don’t look?”
“Just...shh,” said William. He was feeling more uneasy with each passing moment.
Hugo sighed. He looked around. There was some sort of crack running across the hill they stood on. As he looked at it, he realized that it was virtually a straight line with some sort of vegetation growing from the crack. The way the black plants stood straight up reminded him of something.
“Oh!” Hugo declared, remembering. “We have to claim this planet in the name of Greenstone!”
“Umm...” said William. “Let’s find out a little more before we go claiming some foreign planet in the name of Greenstone.”
“Nonsense!” said Hugo. He unfolded a flagpole he had brought for just such an occasion. “I hereby claim this planet in the name of Greenstone!” And he jammed the flagpole down in the crack.
There was a massive roar from deep in the interior of the planet. The ground beneath them began to tremble. The flag dropped, and the crack began to widen.
“RUN!” screamed William as he took off down the side of the hill. Hugo didn’t need to be told twice.
“Is it an earthquake?” Hugo asked as he tried desperately to catch up with William.
“I wish,” said William. “We need to leave as fast as possible!”
The two raced to their ship. The yellow ground was rolling back off the hill, revealing a white orb beneath that was topped with a black spot. Hugo had a vague feeling that it looked familiar, but he was too intent on escaping to ponder it.
William got to the ship first and leapt in the back seat. “FLY US OUT OF HERE!” he screamed at Hugo, who jumped in the front seat and started the engine. He took off and turned it immediately towards the stars.
They had just cleared the surface of the planet when there was another massive roar from behind them. William turned to look, and his suspicions were confirmed. The hill they had just been standing on was in fact a giant eye, and it was looking right at them.
“FASTER!” screamed William.
“Why?” said Hugo. “Didn’t we get off the planet in time?”
“THAT’S NO PLANET!” William insisted. “GOGOGOGOGO!!!”
Hugo looked back. By this time they were far enough away to see that there the "planet" had two eyes, a nose, and most terrifyingly, a giant toothy mouth that gaped and snapped at them. Hugo screamed.
“HYPERSPACE!” shouted William.
“I CAN’T FIND IT!” cried Hugo in a panic.
“WELL, IT HAS TO BE THERE!” William screamed. “HURRY!”
William looked behind them. The huge planet-head was quite definitely chasing them. The eyes had a cold alien fury in them. The massive jaws were opening and closing. William could smell its breath, and it was horrible. The head seemed to be getting bigger, and William could only surmise that this fact meant that the planet-head was gaining on them.
He turned to scream at Hugo some more, but Hugo had passed out at the controls. William leaned forward and shoved him out of the way. He saw the hyperspace label, but the lever seemed to have broken off. He knew he had no time to look, only to act. He pulled his sword from its scabbard, and as he saw the giant teeth ready to bite down overhead , William Rumper jammed his sword into the hyperspace circuit. The ship hurtled forward, leaving the planet-head behind in its intergalactic dust.
---------------------------------
Hugo woke up as they neared the earth, and landed the ship. Now, safely back in Greenstone, William and Hugo stood beside the craft and looked at each other.
“This,” said William in a harsh voice, “is why we do not explore other planets in search of intelligent life.”
Hugo looked sheepish. “It was something different. I’m satisfied. Where do we go now?”
A bell sounded.
---------------------------------
Billy Rumper, age 8, looked back at the source of the bell. Of course, it was the end of recess at Grinston Elementary School. He looked back at his best friend, Hugo, and then at the log they had used to simulate a rocket ship. He shrugged, then smiled at his friend. “Back to reality, I guess,” he said, and the two went to join their class.
THE END
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Tales From Greenstone: An Introduction
My current story project is something called Tales From Greenstone. It's a long term thing, and I'll be putting up new episodes periodically. The first episode will appear sometime in the next few days. To explain, Greenstone is a fantasy land inhabited by a number of different characters. In the first episode, you'll be introduced to William Rumper and Hugo Gritt, two intrepid heroes that decide to do something different. In the next episode, you'll meet Warren St. George, the Dragonslayer. In episode three, you'll meet Sam Steel, private eye. As time goes on, you'll notice that the land of Greenstone is inconsistent with itself - different genres populate it like different animal species populate earth. However, you'll know Greenstone's secret by the end of the first episode.
Hope you enjoy!
Hope you enjoy!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part VII
When they arrived back at the house, the witch was feeling a bit stressed. She knew they had only thirty minutes to go before Petey came back as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction, and the recipe had specifically called for the potion to be stirred for fifteen minutes, no more or less. They were cutting it kind of close.
The Does seemed to be at ease. John had slept for most of the trip, but he and Jane were talking quietly now. Somehow, she got the feeling they thought it was over. They didn’t understand. One mistake, and Petey...and the world...was doomed.
As she pulled into the broomport, she mentally reviewed what had to be done. Go to the kitchen, fill the cauldron, boil the water (easily accomplished through magic), grab the eggs and flour, dump all the ingredients in, and start stirring. Meanwhile, one of the Does could grab a piece of Petey’s clothing and be ready. They would just make it.
Seventeen minutes later...
To the surprise of the Does, the mermaid scale was a weighing device that the witch used to measure out the eye of newt, then dropped into the cauldron with the other ingredients. Other than that, everything else was expected. All was in readiness. There was a minute to go. All that had to be done was to add the sock (all Jane was willing to give up...she couldn’t find the other one), and repeat the incantation. They were going to make it.
At the exact fifteen minute mark, Jane threw in the sock. The witch started to mutter:
“Suits breasted double and stairs moving and bears panda
Newts and frogs and toads and trains choo choo and brains monkey
Too children little and underwear their love poodles
Stew noodle chicken...boo bobbity bibbity.”
The cauldron started to smoke. The room went dark. An eerie silence engulfed the room.
The witch frowned. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen, was it?
Jane poked her. “Uh...were you supposed to say poodle or dachshund?”
The witch froze. “Oh...no...”
The cauldron erupted. The Does and the witch were thrown backwards into the wall. When the dust settled, there was Petey. Only, it wasn’t the Petey they knew and loved. It was Petey, the hideous bloodthristy gargoyle bent on world destruction. And was he ever hideous. His now eight foot tall body was covered in black fur, with giant bat wings protruding from his back. From his mouth emerged giant twelve inch fangs. His eyes gleamed an evil red, and he seemed to have put on four hundred pounds since last they saw each other. He surveyed the trio with hunger, and began to advance, licking his lips.
The witch had no idea what to do. She had never been this frightened in her life. Beside her, she could feel John trembling at the sight of his son, no longer the cute little child he had once carried in his arms, and never to be again. She couldn’t see Jane, and assumed she had passed out again. Oh well. This was it. Being unconscious for it was probably better.
But then, the witch heard a voice. It wasn’t her own, and it wasn’t John, and it wasn’t Petey. It was Jane. She said a single word.
“Petey.”
The gargoyle stopped. It looked at its mother, then gurgled happily and reached out to be held.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Petey did not destroy the world. This, you probably guessed, because you’re still reading the story, and not the victim of a hideous, bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction. In fact, he grew up as a normal kid, went to school, got a football scholarship, and had a Hall of Fame career as a middle linebacker. He would always be a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle, but at least he wasn’t bent on world destruction anymore.
The Does retired on his salary. They found that raising a gargoyle wasn’t that different from raising a human. The only real difference was that he started shaving a week later.
The witch went on a very successful lecture tour following her experiences. People came from miles around to hear her account of the whole affair. Particularly interesting was how to escape a charging dragon. Unfortunately, that part also resulted in several thrill seekers heading for Honalee to try their luck. We don’t know how that worked out. They never came back.
In the end, however, everyone in this story lived happily ever after...except for the rhinoceros. I mean, how much work can a no-horned rhino get anyway?
THE END
The Does seemed to be at ease. John had slept for most of the trip, but he and Jane were talking quietly now. Somehow, she got the feeling they thought it was over. They didn’t understand. One mistake, and Petey...and the world...was doomed.
As she pulled into the broomport, she mentally reviewed what had to be done. Go to the kitchen, fill the cauldron, boil the water (easily accomplished through magic), grab the eggs and flour, dump all the ingredients in, and start stirring. Meanwhile, one of the Does could grab a piece of Petey’s clothing and be ready. They would just make it.
Seventeen minutes later...
To the surprise of the Does, the mermaid scale was a weighing device that the witch used to measure out the eye of newt, then dropped into the cauldron with the other ingredients. Other than that, everything else was expected. All was in readiness. There was a minute to go. All that had to be done was to add the sock (all Jane was willing to give up...she couldn’t find the other one), and repeat the incantation. They were going to make it.
At the exact fifteen minute mark, Jane threw in the sock. The witch started to mutter:
“Suits breasted double and stairs moving and bears panda
Newts and frogs and toads and trains choo choo and brains monkey
Too children little and underwear their love poodles
Stew noodle chicken...boo bobbity bibbity.”
The cauldron started to smoke. The room went dark. An eerie silence engulfed the room.
The witch frowned. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen, was it?
Jane poked her. “Uh...were you supposed to say poodle or dachshund?”
The witch froze. “Oh...no...”
The cauldron erupted. The Does and the witch were thrown backwards into the wall. When the dust settled, there was Petey. Only, it wasn’t the Petey they knew and loved. It was Petey, the hideous bloodthristy gargoyle bent on world destruction. And was he ever hideous. His now eight foot tall body was covered in black fur, with giant bat wings protruding from his back. From his mouth emerged giant twelve inch fangs. His eyes gleamed an evil red, and he seemed to have put on four hundred pounds since last they saw each other. He surveyed the trio with hunger, and began to advance, licking his lips.
The witch had no idea what to do. She had never been this frightened in her life. Beside her, she could feel John trembling at the sight of his son, no longer the cute little child he had once carried in his arms, and never to be again. She couldn’t see Jane, and assumed she had passed out again. Oh well. This was it. Being unconscious for it was probably better.
But then, the witch heard a voice. It wasn’t her own, and it wasn’t John, and it wasn’t Petey. It was Jane. She said a single word.
“Petey.”
The gargoyle stopped. It looked at its mother, then gurgled happily and reached out to be held.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Petey did not destroy the world. This, you probably guessed, because you’re still reading the story, and not the victim of a hideous, bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction. In fact, he grew up as a normal kid, went to school, got a football scholarship, and had a Hall of Fame career as a middle linebacker. He would always be a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle, but at least he wasn’t bent on world destruction anymore.
The Does retired on his salary. They found that raising a gargoyle wasn’t that different from raising a human. The only real difference was that he started shaving a week later.
The witch went on a very successful lecture tour following her experiences. People came from miles around to hear her account of the whole affair. Particularly interesting was how to escape a charging dragon. Unfortunately, that part also resulted in several thrill seekers heading for Honalee to try their luck. We don’t know how that worked out. They never came back.
In the end, however, everyone in this story lived happily ever after...except for the rhinoceros. I mean, how much work can a no-horned rhino get anyway?
THE END
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part VI
As the sun was rising over the land of Honalee, a single broomstick could be seen by any waking eyes flying into a cave overlooking the bay. But no one was awake. All the dragons were asleep, exhausted from their night’s hunt, and no one else would dare enter Honalee for any reason.
Jane had just given up and gone to sleep. After John had explained dragons to her, she just couldn’t take it anymore. “Wake me if we survive,” she had said mournfully, and passed out.
The witch was a bit more optimistic. They had arrived at the perfect time, she explained. Dragons typically flew out of Honalee to nearby villages to wreak havoc. They had two major times to do so: all night long, and around lunch time. They had just returned, and were resting up for the lunch run. They could go cut the hairs from one of the sleeping animals and be on their way, hopefully before the dragons woke up.
“I’m going to need you to fly again,” the witch told John. “I’ll be staying on the broom, just get me close enough to snip the hairs. But, if I say go, you GO. Don’t hang around. Leave Honalee IMMEDIATELY. Even if we haven’t got the hair yet. Understand?”
“But what about Petey?” John asked. “If we don’t have the hair, won’t he turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction?”
“We’ll figure something out,” the witch muttered. “But if we stick around, he’ll still turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction, because we’ll be dead and not able to stop him at all, by ANY means.”
John swallowed hard. He nodded, and said nothing.
At last, the witch proclaimed herself ready. John got onto the broom, and the witch helped the still unconscious Jane on behind him. After situating herself, Jack lifted the broom off the ground and into the morning light.
They flew around for a few minutes before the witch pointed out a dragon that looked good. John was hesitant. “Shouldn’t we pick a small one?”
“That IS a small one,” the witch hissed.
It was the biggest living creature John had ever seen in his life, and he had once seen a blue whale. This dragon was easily twice that size. Jets of flame came out of its nostrils everytime it exhaled, and it was obviously asleep. Eyes closed, it was snoring loudly. His enormous belly rose and fell with every breath, and John felt sure that they would soon be inside it.
On top of the dragon’s head was a mane of hair. John looked at the witch, who pointed at it. He nodded and swooped closer.
He had gotten very good at hovering and was mere inches away from the dragon’s head as the witch leaned over to snip some of the hair away. The dragon took no notice, just kept on sleeping. It was almost perfect.
But just as the witch was straightening up, Jane awoke. She saw the dragon, and did what any normal human being would do upon seeing a fire-breathing monster.
She screamed.
“GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” screamed the witch, and John didn’t need to be told twice. The dragon was awake, and looking around. John squeezed the broom handle, and they took off. He heard a massive roar, and glanced behind him just in time to see the dragon lifting off from the ground and flying after them.
“DON’T LOOK, FLY!” the witch screamed. John’s head snapped forward. He could feel the dragon coming closer. “LEFT!” came the command from the back, and as he turned sharply, he could feel the mighty wind as the dragon went past them. It roared furiously, and John knew it was banking, coming at them again.
The witch continued to scream directions, and John followed them exactly. They were veering closer and closer to the borders of Honalee. Could dragons leave the country? John didn’t know, and had no time to ask.
“DIVE!” the witch commanded, and John did, but he was certain the dragon could catch them going down as well. Maybe they were trying to exhaust him. John already felt exhausted.
The ground was rushing closer and closer, and John could feel the dragon’s hot breath behind them. He was waiting for further instructions, but it dawned on him - the dragon was having trouble changing course in midair. They had to crash him! He waited until the last possible second, and pulled up.
The dragon screamed in agony as it flew headfirst into the ground. John flew safely out of its range, landed the broom, and promptly fainted.
--------------------------------------------------------
When he awoke, the broom was airborne again, and the witch was flying. Jane was holding on to him, keeping him from falling. She smiled grimly at him. “Did we get it?” he asked. She nodded.
“Sorry we couldn’t wait on you to wake up,” the witch said, “but we now only have two hours to get back and make the potion.”
“I understand,” John said, and went back to sleep.
NEXT: The Potion
Jane had just given up and gone to sleep. After John had explained dragons to her, she just couldn’t take it anymore. “Wake me if we survive,” she had said mournfully, and passed out.
The witch was a bit more optimistic. They had arrived at the perfect time, she explained. Dragons typically flew out of Honalee to nearby villages to wreak havoc. They had two major times to do so: all night long, and around lunch time. They had just returned, and were resting up for the lunch run. They could go cut the hairs from one of the sleeping animals and be on their way, hopefully before the dragons woke up.
“I’m going to need you to fly again,” the witch told John. “I’ll be staying on the broom, just get me close enough to snip the hairs. But, if I say go, you GO. Don’t hang around. Leave Honalee IMMEDIATELY. Even if we haven’t got the hair yet. Understand?”
“But what about Petey?” John asked. “If we don’t have the hair, won’t he turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction?”
“We’ll figure something out,” the witch muttered. “But if we stick around, he’ll still turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction, because we’ll be dead and not able to stop him at all, by ANY means.”
John swallowed hard. He nodded, and said nothing.
At last, the witch proclaimed herself ready. John got onto the broom, and the witch helped the still unconscious Jane on behind him. After situating herself, Jack lifted the broom off the ground and into the morning light.
They flew around for a few minutes before the witch pointed out a dragon that looked good. John was hesitant. “Shouldn’t we pick a small one?”
“That IS a small one,” the witch hissed.
It was the biggest living creature John had ever seen in his life, and he had once seen a blue whale. This dragon was easily twice that size. Jets of flame came out of its nostrils everytime it exhaled, and it was obviously asleep. Eyes closed, it was snoring loudly. His enormous belly rose and fell with every breath, and John felt sure that they would soon be inside it.
On top of the dragon’s head was a mane of hair. John looked at the witch, who pointed at it. He nodded and swooped closer.
He had gotten very good at hovering and was mere inches away from the dragon’s head as the witch leaned over to snip some of the hair away. The dragon took no notice, just kept on sleeping. It was almost perfect.
But just as the witch was straightening up, Jane awoke. She saw the dragon, and did what any normal human being would do upon seeing a fire-breathing monster.
She screamed.
“GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” screamed the witch, and John didn’t need to be told twice. The dragon was awake, and looking around. John squeezed the broom handle, and they took off. He heard a massive roar, and glanced behind him just in time to see the dragon lifting off from the ground and flying after them.
“DON’T LOOK, FLY!” the witch screamed. John’s head snapped forward. He could feel the dragon coming closer. “LEFT!” came the command from the back, and as he turned sharply, he could feel the mighty wind as the dragon went past them. It roared furiously, and John knew it was banking, coming at them again.
The witch continued to scream directions, and John followed them exactly. They were veering closer and closer to the borders of Honalee. Could dragons leave the country? John didn’t know, and had no time to ask.
“DIVE!” the witch commanded, and John did, but he was certain the dragon could catch them going down as well. Maybe they were trying to exhaust him. John already felt exhausted.
The ground was rushing closer and closer, and John could feel the dragon’s hot breath behind them. He was waiting for further instructions, but it dawned on him - the dragon was having trouble changing course in midair. They had to crash him! He waited until the last possible second, and pulled up.
The dragon screamed in agony as it flew headfirst into the ground. John flew safely out of its range, landed the broom, and promptly fainted.
--------------------------------------------------------
When he awoke, the broom was airborne again, and the witch was flying. Jane was holding on to him, keeping him from falling. She smiled grimly at him. “Did we get it?” he asked. She nodded.
“Sorry we couldn’t wait on you to wake up,” the witch said, “but we now only have two hours to get back and make the potion.”
“I understand,” John said, and went back to sleep.
NEXT: The Potion
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part V
The witch was fairly indecisive on which task to accomplish next. The unicorns were further away, but the dragons were nastier. In the end, she decided to catch the dragons on the way back and hope it was naptime.
It was almost night when the trio reached the unicorn homeland. Since unicorns are nocturnal creatures, the witch thought they would have the best chance of catching one in the evening, while they grazed. She had no idea where they slept, but was pretty sure her broomstick could outrun one.
They searched for thirty minutes before they found a lone unicorn, nibbling grass in the moonlight. The witch sighed. “Good, he’s already eating. We won’t have to use the snodgrass.” She turned to John and whispered, “You’ll have to drive.”
“What?!?” John whispered back. “Me? I don’t know how to fly one of these things!”
“It’s easy,” the witch muttered. “Lean right for right, lean left for left, and try not to fall off.”
“What are you going to do?” Jane asked, with a quiver in her voice. John wasn’t a good driver to begin with.
“I’ve got to lasso him, tie him up, cut the toenails, and get back on the broom before he gets free,” the witch replied. “You’ve never seen anything like an angry unicorn, believe you me. Makes that rhino attack look like a pillow fight. You’re going to have to hand me the clippers when I ask for them, Jane.”
Jane didn’t speak. She had turned a pale white.
They were hovering two hundred feet over the unicorn. “When I say go,” the witch instructed, “dive. When I say pull up, pull back on the broom handle as hard as you can. It will flatten itself out, don’t worry. Follow the unicorn, and slow down once the rope is on it.”
“Where are the brakes on this thing?” John wanted to know.
“Just loosen your grip. Everything will be fine.” She waited a few more seconds. “All right. On three. One...two...three! GO!”
John pushed down on the broom handle, and the broom went into a dive. They were heading towards the earth at a startling speed. Jane started to scream behind him. The unicorn looked up suddenly, saw them, and took off. He seemed to be flying, he was moving so fast.
“NOW!” the witch cried. “PULL UP! PULL UP! PULLUPPULLUPPULLUP!”
John did. Immediately, the broom flattened out and they were racing along the ground at a frighteningly quick pace. But, they were catching up to the unicorn.
“Left!” screamed the witch. “More! Now right! More! More...there! Straight! A little to the left!”
“OK, OK,” muttered John. “Stop being a backbroom driver.”
They were almost upon the unicorn now. The witch started twirling her lasso and let go. On the first shot, it went right around the unicorn’s neck. Jack loosened his grip and the broom immediately slowed to a virtual halt. The witch yanked the unicorn off its feet and leapt from the broom. She charged the struggling body and flung the rope around the rest of him, and immobilized him. “CLIPPERS!” she called.
Still white as a sheet, Jane ran forward with the clippers. She then darted back to the broom and grabbed hold of John, almost cutting off his air.
The witch carefully cut three toenails from the unicorn as it struggled to free itself. Once done, she bolted for the broom. “GET READY!” she screamed as the unicorn finally burst through its bonds and charged. She hopped on the broom, and John squeezed the handle. The broom shot away, leaving a very angry unicorn in the dust.
They stopped about five miles away for a rest. The witch was sweating profusely, but grinning broadly. “Now, you see why we needed more than one person,” she chuckled.
John was on an adrenaline high he had never felt in his life. He couldn’t believe the rush from flying that broomstick. It was like nothing he had ever experienced.
Jane had passed out soon after they outran the unicorn.
So John and the witch sat there, breathing heavily and grinning at each other, not saying a word, for about fifteen minutes. Finally, the witch said, “We need to get moving if we’re going to get to Honalee by sunrise.”
“Is that where we’re going?” John asked in surprise.
“Yep,” the witch answered. “Only known dragon habitat left on earth.”
“We going to go see Puff?” John asked with a smile.
The witch shook her head grimly. “Do you know how many stupid people have been killed in Honalee because of that stupid song?” she asked. “More than I’d care to count. They all hear the song, and say, ‘Ooo, a nice dragon in Honalee! Let’s go see if it’ll be MY friend!’ Dragons are not nice. Dragons are mean, vicious animals that will barbecue you from a mile away, IF they’re feeling generous. If not...I don’t even want to talk about it.”
John was flabbergasted. He had been making a joke.
NEXT: Honalee
It was almost night when the trio reached the unicorn homeland. Since unicorns are nocturnal creatures, the witch thought they would have the best chance of catching one in the evening, while they grazed. She had no idea where they slept, but was pretty sure her broomstick could outrun one.
They searched for thirty minutes before they found a lone unicorn, nibbling grass in the moonlight. The witch sighed. “Good, he’s already eating. We won’t have to use the snodgrass.” She turned to John and whispered, “You’ll have to drive.”
“What?!?” John whispered back. “Me? I don’t know how to fly one of these things!”
“It’s easy,” the witch muttered. “Lean right for right, lean left for left, and try not to fall off.”
“What are you going to do?” Jane asked, with a quiver in her voice. John wasn’t a good driver to begin with.
“I’ve got to lasso him, tie him up, cut the toenails, and get back on the broom before he gets free,” the witch replied. “You’ve never seen anything like an angry unicorn, believe you me. Makes that rhino attack look like a pillow fight. You’re going to have to hand me the clippers when I ask for them, Jane.”
Jane didn’t speak. She had turned a pale white.
They were hovering two hundred feet over the unicorn. “When I say go,” the witch instructed, “dive. When I say pull up, pull back on the broom handle as hard as you can. It will flatten itself out, don’t worry. Follow the unicorn, and slow down once the rope is on it.”
“Where are the brakes on this thing?” John wanted to know.
“Just loosen your grip. Everything will be fine.” She waited a few more seconds. “All right. On three. One...two...three! GO!”
John pushed down on the broom handle, and the broom went into a dive. They were heading towards the earth at a startling speed. Jane started to scream behind him. The unicorn looked up suddenly, saw them, and took off. He seemed to be flying, he was moving so fast.
“NOW!” the witch cried. “PULL UP! PULL UP! PULLUPPULLUPPULLUP!”
John did. Immediately, the broom flattened out and they were racing along the ground at a frighteningly quick pace. But, they were catching up to the unicorn.
“Left!” screamed the witch. “More! Now right! More! More...there! Straight! A little to the left!”
“OK, OK,” muttered John. “Stop being a backbroom driver.”
They were almost upon the unicorn now. The witch started twirling her lasso and let go. On the first shot, it went right around the unicorn’s neck. Jack loosened his grip and the broom immediately slowed to a virtual halt. The witch yanked the unicorn off its feet and leapt from the broom. She charged the struggling body and flung the rope around the rest of him, and immobilized him. “CLIPPERS!” she called.
Still white as a sheet, Jane ran forward with the clippers. She then darted back to the broom and grabbed hold of John, almost cutting off his air.
The witch carefully cut three toenails from the unicorn as it struggled to free itself. Once done, she bolted for the broom. “GET READY!” she screamed as the unicorn finally burst through its bonds and charged. She hopped on the broom, and John squeezed the handle. The broom shot away, leaving a very angry unicorn in the dust.
They stopped about five miles away for a rest. The witch was sweating profusely, but grinning broadly. “Now, you see why we needed more than one person,” she chuckled.
John was on an adrenaline high he had never felt in his life. He couldn’t believe the rush from flying that broomstick. It was like nothing he had ever experienced.
Jane had passed out soon after they outran the unicorn.
So John and the witch sat there, breathing heavily and grinning at each other, not saying a word, for about fifteen minutes. Finally, the witch said, “We need to get moving if we’re going to get to Honalee by sunrise.”
“Is that where we’re going?” John asked in surprise.
“Yep,” the witch answered. “Only known dragon habitat left on earth.”
“We going to go see Puff?” John asked with a smile.
The witch shook her head grimly. “Do you know how many stupid people have been killed in Honalee because of that stupid song?” she asked. “More than I’d care to count. They all hear the song, and say, ‘Ooo, a nice dragon in Honalee! Let’s go see if it’ll be MY friend!’ Dragons are not nice. Dragons are mean, vicious animals that will barbecue you from a mile away, IF they’re feeling generous. If not...I don’t even want to talk about it.”
John was flabbergasted. He had been making a joke.
NEXT: Honalee
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part IV
At the zoo, they had to break into the rhinoceros building where the animals were put away for the night. The witch found one that was still awake and started to chat it up. To the Does, it sounded like a lot of grunting and snorting, but apparently they could both understand each other.
“You think they teach Rhinocerish at Witch University?” John whispered to Jane as the witch started laughing at something the rhino was telling her. Jane giggled behind her hand.
Hearing the unexpected noise, the rhino looked sharply in their direction. He didn’t look in the least bit happy to see them. The witch was trying to explain something, but the rhino looked more and more infuriated at every passing moment.
Abruptly, the witch turned and shouted, “Run!”
The Does didn’t need a second invitation. They took off just as the rhino started to charge.
They ran outside and managed to scramble up a tree in the habitat. John was pretty sure rhinos couldn’t climb trees, so it seemed like a safe place.
However, they still can charge.
The rhino must have rammed the tree with his enormous head ten times when Jane finally started to slip. She screamed at John to save her, but everytime he reached out for her, the rhino would hit the tree again and she would slip some more. At last, she was sure that one more hit would do her in. The rhino was backing up for a fifteenth charge. John made one final desperate lunge to save his wife, and both tumbled out of the tree.
They landed right next to the rhino. But, it didn’t move. It had passed out from all the excitement.
With the rhino unconscious, it was a simple matter to remove its horn. The witch apologized for not informing them that rhinoceroses (rhinoceri?) were very short tempered and would only deal with one intrusion at a time without going berserk. She heaped praises upon them for holding him off until he collapsed from adrenaline shock. The Does didn’t hear a word she said. They were still trembling from head to toe.
----------------------------------------------------
The sun was peeking over the eastern horizon when the Does and the witch arrived at Penelope’s Inlet, the best place to find a mermaid at this time of year, according to the witch.
She picked up a strange looking shell that was lying nearby and blew into one end. The Does couldn’t hear anything except escaping air, but there was a sudden commotion in the inlet. Three heads popped out from under the water and stared at the trio on land for what seemed like an eternity. Then, they ducked back beneath the waves.
“Good, we’re lucky,” the witch sighed with obvious relief. “They didn’t acknowledge our presence.”
John looked at her quizzically.
She shook her head. “Later,” she said, as another head popped out of the water and headed their way.
The figure now emerging from the water was obviously female, though the Does were surprised to see that she looked like a normal human being, except for the gills in the side of her neck. They couldn’t see any scales on her at all.
The mermaid took the shell from the witch and blew into the other end. Expecting to hear the rushing air again, the Does were shocked to her a beautiful and silky voice saying, “Welcome to Penelope’s. How may I help you?”
The witch blew into her side again, and only rushing air could be heard. The mermaid nodded, and replied, via the shell, “Of course. One moment.” She turned back to the water, but paused and addressed the Does. “Would you like to come and inspect the merchandise?”
That sounded reasonable to the Does, but before they could answer, the witch blew sharply into her end of the shell. The mermaid smiled coyly, and dove beneath the surface of the water.
“NEVER take a Mer up on an offer to go underwater,” the witch said. “I don’t care what you’ve seen in movies, you won’t last more than three minutes.”
“Obviously, there’s a lot that movies aren’t telling us,” John commented.
The witch laughed. “Oh, you mean the lack of a tail? An unfortunate misconception. The only thing the Mers have in common with fish is the gills.”
“Then how are we going to get a scale?” Jane exclaimed, a bit hysterically.
The witch smiled knowingly, and watched as the mermaid emerged from the inlet, carrying a bag.
“What form of payment do you have?” the mermaid asked. The witch removed from her bag the dark chocolate she had gotten at Which Witch. The mermaid nodded approvingly, and they traded packages. The two shook hands, and, after waving cheerfully at the Does, the mermaid disappeared into the sea.
As they were loading onto the broomstick, the witch hurriedly explained everything. “If those three heads had acknowledged us, it would have meant that they were going to play around with us, try and kill us somehow, and definitely not get us what we want. The shell I used is a translator. Since Mermish is an exclusive language, no one except Mers can speak it. Consequently, the Mers can’t speak any human language, so we have to use artificial means of communication.”
John was looking at the bag. It was moving. “What’s going on?” he asked.
The witch glanced over. “Oh, that’s the squid,” she replied. “Don’t look in there, unless you want to get squirted.”
“What about the mermaid scale? How do we know it’s in there too?” Jane demanded.
“Listen, Mers may be killers, but they’re not swindlers,” the witch answered. “When you shake hands with a Mer, it’s an ironclad contract that the merchandise is exactly what you requested.”
Jane still felt a bit uneasy, but she let it pass. The witch seemed to know what she was doing.
NEXT: Decision Time
“You think they teach Rhinocerish at Witch University?” John whispered to Jane as the witch started laughing at something the rhino was telling her. Jane giggled behind her hand.
Hearing the unexpected noise, the rhino looked sharply in their direction. He didn’t look in the least bit happy to see them. The witch was trying to explain something, but the rhino looked more and more infuriated at every passing moment.
Abruptly, the witch turned and shouted, “Run!”
The Does didn’t need a second invitation. They took off just as the rhino started to charge.
They ran outside and managed to scramble up a tree in the habitat. John was pretty sure rhinos couldn’t climb trees, so it seemed like a safe place.
However, they still can charge.
The rhino must have rammed the tree with his enormous head ten times when Jane finally started to slip. She screamed at John to save her, but everytime he reached out for her, the rhino would hit the tree again and she would slip some more. At last, she was sure that one more hit would do her in. The rhino was backing up for a fifteenth charge. John made one final desperate lunge to save his wife, and both tumbled out of the tree.
They landed right next to the rhino. But, it didn’t move. It had passed out from all the excitement.
With the rhino unconscious, it was a simple matter to remove its horn. The witch apologized for not informing them that rhinoceroses (rhinoceri?) were very short tempered and would only deal with one intrusion at a time without going berserk. She heaped praises upon them for holding him off until he collapsed from adrenaline shock. The Does didn’t hear a word she said. They were still trembling from head to toe.
----------------------------------------------------
The sun was peeking over the eastern horizon when the Does and the witch arrived at Penelope’s Inlet, the best place to find a mermaid at this time of year, according to the witch.
She picked up a strange looking shell that was lying nearby and blew into one end. The Does couldn’t hear anything except escaping air, but there was a sudden commotion in the inlet. Three heads popped out from under the water and stared at the trio on land for what seemed like an eternity. Then, they ducked back beneath the waves.
“Good, we’re lucky,” the witch sighed with obvious relief. “They didn’t acknowledge our presence.”
John looked at her quizzically.
She shook her head. “Later,” she said, as another head popped out of the water and headed their way.
The figure now emerging from the water was obviously female, though the Does were surprised to see that she looked like a normal human being, except for the gills in the side of her neck. They couldn’t see any scales on her at all.
The mermaid took the shell from the witch and blew into the other end. Expecting to hear the rushing air again, the Does were shocked to her a beautiful and silky voice saying, “Welcome to Penelope’s. How may I help you?”
The witch blew into her side again, and only rushing air could be heard. The mermaid nodded, and replied, via the shell, “Of course. One moment.” She turned back to the water, but paused and addressed the Does. “Would you like to come and inspect the merchandise?”
That sounded reasonable to the Does, but before they could answer, the witch blew sharply into her end of the shell. The mermaid smiled coyly, and dove beneath the surface of the water.
“NEVER take a Mer up on an offer to go underwater,” the witch said. “I don’t care what you’ve seen in movies, you won’t last more than three minutes.”
“Obviously, there’s a lot that movies aren’t telling us,” John commented.
The witch laughed. “Oh, you mean the lack of a tail? An unfortunate misconception. The only thing the Mers have in common with fish is the gills.”
“Then how are we going to get a scale?” Jane exclaimed, a bit hysterically.
The witch smiled knowingly, and watched as the mermaid emerged from the inlet, carrying a bag.
“What form of payment do you have?” the mermaid asked. The witch removed from her bag the dark chocolate she had gotten at Which Witch. The mermaid nodded approvingly, and they traded packages. The two shook hands, and, after waving cheerfully at the Does, the mermaid disappeared into the sea.
As they were loading onto the broomstick, the witch hurriedly explained everything. “If those three heads had acknowledged us, it would have meant that they were going to play around with us, try and kill us somehow, and definitely not get us what we want. The shell I used is a translator. Since Mermish is an exclusive language, no one except Mers can speak it. Consequently, the Mers can’t speak any human language, so we have to use artificial means of communication.”
John was looking at the bag. It was moving. “What’s going on?” he asked.
The witch glanced over. “Oh, that’s the squid,” she replied. “Don’t look in there, unless you want to get squirted.”
“What about the mermaid scale? How do we know it’s in there too?” Jane demanded.
“Listen, Mers may be killers, but they’re not swindlers,” the witch answered. “When you shake hands with a Mer, it’s an ironclad contract that the merchandise is exactly what you requested.”
Jane still felt a bit uneasy, but she let it pass. The witch seemed to know what she was doing.
NEXT: Decision Time
Monday, April 28, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part III
It was truly amazing. As many times as the Does had been to the grocery store, they had never noticed the evil looking store sitting right next to it. Now, as they stepped off the broom and stared at the storefront, they had no idea how they could have missed it. The sun seemed to not be shining on it. Bats flapped around. Some eerie organ music was being piped through a PA system that leaked out into the parking lot. The area right in front of the store was full of brooms, and green people kept coming in and out of the store with armfuls of magic supplies. Every once in a while, one of them would erupt in a fit of cackling.
The witch, noting the surprised looks on their faces, stated simply, “Normal humans tend to ignore the truly weird,” and hurried toward the store. Perplexed, the Does followed.
Inside the store, the Does were amazed again as it looked just like the interior of a Wal-Mart. The only noticeable difference was the merchandise. The witch was pulling out a shopping cart, and started towards an aisle marked “Magical Animal Care”.
John started to ask why it looked so different on the outside than on the inside, but the witch anticipated his question and replied, “We’re just normal people. It looks like that on the outside because if it looked like a Wal-Mart, humans would come in and start poking their noses into our secrets. Since it looks like some silly fairy tale outside, people assume it’s their imagination and ignore it. They don’t even realize they saw it.”
Confused, John decided not to ask anymore questions.
The witch grabbed something that looked like hedge clippers and tossed them into the cart. “That should be good enough,” she murmured. “Now, where do they keep the eye of newt?”
Eye of newt was found in “Creature Parts”, right between the ear of ape and the tail of mouse. They located the snodgrass in the produce section. As the witch was measuring out how much she might need to tempt the unicorn, John found himself drawn to a table of the reddest, most delicious looking apples he had ever seen. As he picked one up, the witch warned, “I wouldn’t if I were you. Not unless you want to sleep until some handsome prince comes and kisses you awake.”
John hastily put the apple back on the table.
The witch determined that dark chocolate would be the best bribe for the mermaids. After paying at the register, she and the Does remounted the broomstick and took off for the zoo.
NEXT: The Zoo and On
The witch, noting the surprised looks on their faces, stated simply, “Normal humans tend to ignore the truly weird,” and hurried toward the store. Perplexed, the Does followed.
Inside the store, the Does were amazed again as it looked just like the interior of a Wal-Mart. The only noticeable difference was the merchandise. The witch was pulling out a shopping cart, and started towards an aisle marked “Magical Animal Care”.
John started to ask why it looked so different on the outside than on the inside, but the witch anticipated his question and replied, “We’re just normal people. It looks like that on the outside because if it looked like a Wal-Mart, humans would come in and start poking their noses into our secrets. Since it looks like some silly fairy tale outside, people assume it’s their imagination and ignore it. They don’t even realize they saw it.”
Confused, John decided not to ask anymore questions.
The witch grabbed something that looked like hedge clippers and tossed them into the cart. “That should be good enough,” she murmured. “Now, where do they keep the eye of newt?”
Eye of newt was found in “Creature Parts”, right between the ear of ape and the tail of mouse. They located the snodgrass in the produce section. As the witch was measuring out how much she might need to tempt the unicorn, John found himself drawn to a table of the reddest, most delicious looking apples he had ever seen. As he picked one up, the witch warned, “I wouldn’t if I were you. Not unless you want to sleep until some handsome prince comes and kisses you awake.”
John hastily put the apple back on the table.
The witch determined that dark chocolate would be the best bribe for the mermaids. After paying at the register, she and the Does remounted the broomstick and took off for the zoo.
NEXT: The Zoo and On
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part II
The Does entered the house, and looked around. They had been expecting a haunted lair, with bats, cobwebs, ghosts, bubbling concoctions, and absolutely no light. What greeted their eyes was a well-lit, well-kept interior, with plush carpeting, fluffy pillows on the loveseat, and the entire living room done in pink. The only bubbling concoction was a tea kettle on the stove, whistling.
The witch began bustling around. “I don’t have visitors very often,” she said with a grin. “I just put some tea on, would you like some?” The Does shook their heads. Who knew what a witch’s definition of tea was? The witch didn’t seem to mind, as she directed them to the loveseat and invited them to sit while she looked up the remedy for Petey’s...condition.
The witch put some light jazz on the stereo and plopped down in a recliner. She began to flip through a big, evil looking book with very large and old pages. The Does sat uncomfortably for a few minutes as she searched, muttering to herself all the while.
Finally, she exclaimed “Aha!” and pointed to a page. “Here we go,” she said excitedly. “’Should you mistakenly say poodle instead of dachshund in the cabbage spell, and actually want to reverse it, you will need to immediately fix the following potion:
1. First. add each of the following ingredients (in no particular order) to a standard size cauldron filled to 3/4 of its capacity with boiling water:
10 oz eye of newt
3 toenail clippings of a unicorn
2 inches of dragon scalp hair
1 rhinoceros horn
2 cups of flour
3 eggs (shells and all)
1 mermaid scale
1 live squid
2. Once all of the above ingredients have been added, stir well for exactly fifteen minutes. Any more or less is highly dangerous and will void any guarantees made by the Witch’s Association of America as to the merit of this mixture.
3. At the exact fifteen minute mark, add one article of the victim’s clothing. TIP: It is probably best to have a partner to add this final ingredient to make sure the timing is right.
4. Finally, repeat the cabbage incantation backwards. The victim will be restored to the mortal realm, none the worse for the wear and completely unaware of what has just happened.’”
The witch stopped reading and smiled at the Does. “Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it?” She glanced back at the book and read the final paragraph.
“WARNING: This potion must be completed within forty-eight hours of the spell’s original incantation. Failure to do so, or failure to complete the potion properly will result in the return of the victim as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction. And he/she will most likely succeed. So don’t screw up.”
There was a deafening silence as the witch stopped reading. Seconds ticked by. The witch finally looked up and smiled feebly at the horrified Does. “Well,” she said, attempting to sound optimistic and failing miserably. “I suppose we should get started.”
That’s when Jane started screaming. She couldn’t take it anymore. Her baby was going to turn into a gargoyle and destroy the world, and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it. John wrapped his arms around his terrified wife and glared at the witch. “Well?” he demanded. “Where do you keep those ingredients?”
The witch avoided his eyes. “Umm...,” she mumbled. “I don’t...exactly...HAVE... all the of them.”
John looked upset. “OK...what do you have?”
The witch suddenly became very interested with a loose thread on her cloak. She mumbled something that John couldn’t quite make out. “What?” he barked.
The witch sighed. Still avoiding his eyes, she clearly stated, “Eggs and flour.”
Jane stopped screaming at this point and stared at the witch in disbelief. “You’re a witch!” John sputtered. “And you don’t have ANY of that stuff?!?”
“Well, it’s not very common, is it?” the witch snapped irritably. “Sorry if I wasn’t planning on bringing anybody back from purgatory today. Anyway, most of it’ll be easy enough to get. Eye of newt is sold at every single Which Witch store on the planet. For the rhino horn, all we have to do is go to the zoo and collect one. Live squid can be found at the aquarium...or maybe the ocean, when we pick up the mermaid scale. That should be easy. Very pleasant, Mers, unless you catch them in one of their moods, then they’ll try to lure you to a watery grave. We should take a gift for them as well...” She trailed off.
“And the rest?” Jack pressed as Jane began sobbing into his shoulder.
“Welllll...” the witch said slowly. “Unicorns don’t clip their toenails. We have to find one and clip it for him. Means I should pick up some unicorn toenail clippers at Which Witch. And they’re not easy to catch. I guess I should get some snodgrass as well. They like to eat that stuff.”
“Snodgrass?” Jane sniffled.
The witch nodded, preoccupied. “And no one’s ever been able to get close enough to a dragon to cut off its hair and mass produce it, so we’ll have to get some of that from the source as well. Nasty creatures, dragons.”
John and Jane didn’t know what to say. They just sat there with their mouths open, hardly daring to believe what they had just heard. Dragon hair? Unicorn toenails? Mermaid scales? But weren’t those animals...make believe?
The witch, however, looked more optimistic. “OK, that’s the plan. We need to get going...we’ve already wasted twenty minutes.”
“Wait a second!” exclaimed John. “What do you mean, WE?”
The witch looked angry. “Look here, buster,” she snarled. “I made a mistake. I admit it. I apologize. But I’m trying to make up for it. Dragons, unicorns and mermaids are not to be trifled with. One person has no chance, even if she knows what’s she’s doing. Three people have an excellent chance, even if two of them haven’t a clue. If you don’t want to help, fine. We’ll just see how you feel when your baby comes back as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction. I don’t have to help you. I’m a witch. Nobody likes a witch anyway, so I have nothing to lose.”
“Except your life when Petey comes back as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction,” muttered John as Jane burst into fresh torrents of sobbing.
“Exactly,” said the witch. “So, are you in, or shall we just sit on the porch and wait for the apocalypse?”
It was a pretty convincing argument. Within five minutes, they had clambered onto the witch’s broomstick (better gas mileage and the convenience of flying rather than sitting around in traffic all afternoon) and were off to Which Witch.
NEXT: Collecting Materials
The witch began bustling around. “I don’t have visitors very often,” she said with a grin. “I just put some tea on, would you like some?” The Does shook their heads. Who knew what a witch’s definition of tea was? The witch didn’t seem to mind, as she directed them to the loveseat and invited them to sit while she looked up the remedy for Petey’s...condition.
The witch put some light jazz on the stereo and plopped down in a recliner. She began to flip through a big, evil looking book with very large and old pages. The Does sat uncomfortably for a few minutes as she searched, muttering to herself all the while.
Finally, she exclaimed “Aha!” and pointed to a page. “Here we go,” she said excitedly. “’Should you mistakenly say poodle instead of dachshund in the cabbage spell, and actually want to reverse it, you will need to immediately fix the following potion:
1. First. add each of the following ingredients (in no particular order) to a standard size cauldron filled to 3/4 of its capacity with boiling water:
10 oz eye of newt
3 toenail clippings of a unicorn
2 inches of dragon scalp hair
1 rhinoceros horn
2 cups of flour
3 eggs (shells and all)
1 mermaid scale
1 live squid
2. Once all of the above ingredients have been added, stir well for exactly fifteen minutes. Any more or less is highly dangerous and will void any guarantees made by the Witch’s Association of America as to the merit of this mixture.
3. At the exact fifteen minute mark, add one article of the victim’s clothing. TIP: It is probably best to have a partner to add this final ingredient to make sure the timing is right.
4. Finally, repeat the cabbage incantation backwards. The victim will be restored to the mortal realm, none the worse for the wear and completely unaware of what has just happened.’”
The witch stopped reading and smiled at the Does. “Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it?” She glanced back at the book and read the final paragraph.
“WARNING: This potion must be completed within forty-eight hours of the spell’s original incantation. Failure to do so, or failure to complete the potion properly will result in the return of the victim as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction. And he/she will most likely succeed. So don’t screw up.”
There was a deafening silence as the witch stopped reading. Seconds ticked by. The witch finally looked up and smiled feebly at the horrified Does. “Well,” she said, attempting to sound optimistic and failing miserably. “I suppose we should get started.”
That’s when Jane started screaming. She couldn’t take it anymore. Her baby was going to turn into a gargoyle and destroy the world, and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it. John wrapped his arms around his terrified wife and glared at the witch. “Well?” he demanded. “Where do you keep those ingredients?”
The witch avoided his eyes. “Umm...,” she mumbled. “I don’t...exactly...HAVE... all the of them.”
John looked upset. “OK...what do you have?”
The witch suddenly became very interested with a loose thread on her cloak. She mumbled something that John couldn’t quite make out. “What?” he barked.
The witch sighed. Still avoiding his eyes, she clearly stated, “Eggs and flour.”
Jane stopped screaming at this point and stared at the witch in disbelief. “You’re a witch!” John sputtered. “And you don’t have ANY of that stuff?!?”
“Well, it’s not very common, is it?” the witch snapped irritably. “Sorry if I wasn’t planning on bringing anybody back from purgatory today. Anyway, most of it’ll be easy enough to get. Eye of newt is sold at every single Which Witch store on the planet. For the rhino horn, all we have to do is go to the zoo and collect one. Live squid can be found at the aquarium...or maybe the ocean, when we pick up the mermaid scale. That should be easy. Very pleasant, Mers, unless you catch them in one of their moods, then they’ll try to lure you to a watery grave. We should take a gift for them as well...” She trailed off.
“And the rest?” Jack pressed as Jane began sobbing into his shoulder.
“Welllll...” the witch said slowly. “Unicorns don’t clip their toenails. We have to find one and clip it for him. Means I should pick up some unicorn toenail clippers at Which Witch. And they’re not easy to catch. I guess I should get some snodgrass as well. They like to eat that stuff.”
“Snodgrass?” Jane sniffled.
The witch nodded, preoccupied. “And no one’s ever been able to get close enough to a dragon to cut off its hair and mass produce it, so we’ll have to get some of that from the source as well. Nasty creatures, dragons.”
John and Jane didn’t know what to say. They just sat there with their mouths open, hardly daring to believe what they had just heard. Dragon hair? Unicorn toenails? Mermaid scales? But weren’t those animals...make believe?
The witch, however, looked more optimistic. “OK, that’s the plan. We need to get going...we’ve already wasted twenty minutes.”
“Wait a second!” exclaimed John. “What do you mean, WE?”
The witch looked angry. “Look here, buster,” she snarled. “I made a mistake. I admit it. I apologize. But I’m trying to make up for it. Dragons, unicorns and mermaids are not to be trifled with. One person has no chance, even if she knows what’s she’s doing. Three people have an excellent chance, even if two of them haven’t a clue. If you don’t want to help, fine. We’ll just see how you feel when your baby comes back as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction. I don’t have to help you. I’m a witch. Nobody likes a witch anyway, so I have nothing to lose.”
“Except your life when Petey comes back as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction,” muttered John as Jane burst into fresh torrents of sobbing.
“Exactly,” said the witch. “So, are you in, or shall we just sit on the porch and wait for the apocalypse?”
It was a pretty convincing argument. Within five minutes, they had clambered onto the witch’s broomstick (better gas mileage and the convenience of flying rather than sitting around in traffic all afternoon) and were off to Which Witch.
NEXT: Collecting Materials
Friday, April 25, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part I
Once upon a time, there lived a husband and wife, henceforth to be referred to as John and Jane Doe (and no, I’m not trying to protect anyone’s identities - those were actually their names. You should have seen some of the strange looks they got when they tried to check into motels). They, along with their one year old son Petey, lived a nearly perfect life in a nearly perfect cottage in a nearly perfect neighborhood.
What wasn’t so perfect about it was the witch who lived next door.
It’s not that she was a bad witch. In fact, she was a very nice witch, with the standard green skin and warts on her nose that came with the territory. And yet, because she was a witch, people hated her and feared her. They hid when they saw her coming down the street and hissed obscenities at her when she passed. This hurt her, because, after all, witches have feelings too. It was all because they were afraid she would eat their children. Nonsense! She didn’t even like children! Oh, maybe one or two when she was out with the coven, but she knew her limits and always let somebody else fly the broomstick afterwards.
All this unfounded hatred had turned her into a very sour witch. It didn’t matter how nice she tried to be to people, they would never reciprocate. So, she stopped trying.
One day, she was rocking on her porch, feeling miserable, when the Doe family walked by, with Petey in a carriage.
“Hello,” the witch called feebly. “Nice day, isn’t it?”
John and Jane looked up in horror. They had purposefully been trying to avoid eye contact with the witch so she would maybe not notice their presence. But she had. And so, they quickened their pace, trying to get away.
Exasperated, the witch began muttering to herself. She didn’t realize what she had done until she finished.
“Bibbity bobbity boo...chicken noodle stew
Poodles love their underwear and little children too
Monkey brains and choo choo trains and toads and frogs and newts
Panda bears and moving stairs and double breasted suits.”
And, with a puff of smoke, Petey was gone. Disappeared.
Horrified, John turned to the witch. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH OUR SON?!?!?”
The witch looked mystified. “I...I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I didn’t mean to...I mean...he’s gone? How...that was the cabbage spell...”
“The CABBAGE spell?” demanded Jane.
“Yes,” the witch replied. “Just turns the victim into a cabbage for five minutes. No lasting effects, and fully reversible. Must have done something wrong...maybe it was the poodle that did it...” She started muttering to herself and disappeared inside her house.
John and Jane stood helplessly at her gate for four minutes before she emerged, smiling. “Yep, it was the poodle,” she chuckled. “Silly me, I was supposed to say ‘dachshund’. I can never remember that. Very lucky however that I didn’t say ‘schnauzer’.”
“Why is that?” Jane asked.
“Well, besides the fact that it would have killed him,” the witch explained, “he would have come back as a zombie. Very friendly folk, zombies, except that they have this unnatural obsession with the consumption of human brains.”
“Yeah,” grumbled John. “I guess that would be bad. But where is Petey now?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much,” the witch replied cheerily. “He’s in purgatory somewhere, waiting to be called back by a special potion. The recipe’s right here in the book. Won’t you come in while I look it up?”
NEXT: The Plan
What wasn’t so perfect about it was the witch who lived next door.
It’s not that she was a bad witch. In fact, she was a very nice witch, with the standard green skin and warts on her nose that came with the territory. And yet, because she was a witch, people hated her and feared her. They hid when they saw her coming down the street and hissed obscenities at her when she passed. This hurt her, because, after all, witches have feelings too. It was all because they were afraid she would eat their children. Nonsense! She didn’t even like children! Oh, maybe one or two when she was out with the coven, but she knew her limits and always let somebody else fly the broomstick afterwards.
All this unfounded hatred had turned her into a very sour witch. It didn’t matter how nice she tried to be to people, they would never reciprocate. So, she stopped trying.
One day, she was rocking on her porch, feeling miserable, when the Doe family walked by, with Petey in a carriage.
“Hello,” the witch called feebly. “Nice day, isn’t it?”
John and Jane looked up in horror. They had purposefully been trying to avoid eye contact with the witch so she would maybe not notice their presence. But she had. And so, they quickened their pace, trying to get away.
Exasperated, the witch began muttering to herself. She didn’t realize what she had done until she finished.
“Bibbity bobbity boo...chicken noodle stew
Poodles love their underwear and little children too
Monkey brains and choo choo trains and toads and frogs and newts
Panda bears and moving stairs and double breasted suits.”
And, with a puff of smoke, Petey was gone. Disappeared.
Horrified, John turned to the witch. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH OUR SON?!?!?”
The witch looked mystified. “I...I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I didn’t mean to...I mean...he’s gone? How...that was the cabbage spell...”
“The CABBAGE spell?” demanded Jane.
“Yes,” the witch replied. “Just turns the victim into a cabbage for five minutes. No lasting effects, and fully reversible. Must have done something wrong...maybe it was the poodle that did it...” She started muttering to herself and disappeared inside her house.
John and Jane stood helplessly at her gate for four minutes before she emerged, smiling. “Yep, it was the poodle,” she chuckled. “Silly me, I was supposed to say ‘dachshund’. I can never remember that. Very lucky however that I didn’t say ‘schnauzer’.”
“Why is that?” Jane asked.
“Well, besides the fact that it would have killed him,” the witch explained, “he would have come back as a zombie. Very friendly folk, zombies, except that they have this unnatural obsession with the consumption of human brains.”
“Yeah,” grumbled John. “I guess that would be bad. But where is Petey now?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much,” the witch replied cheerily. “He’s in purgatory somewhere, waiting to be called back by a special potion. The recipe’s right here in the book. Won’t you come in while I look it up?”
NEXT: The Plan
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Ambushed, part VII
The prank was going quite well so far, Harvey Rossel thought. The producers of Ambushed! had been approached by Lucy Davis right around the time of the previous season finale. Lucy's boyfriend, Mark Schroeder, had never seen the show, and she had a great idea for a prank. The producers loved the idea, and agreed to it. Now, it was being implemented. Here's what had happened.
Lucy and Mark had arrived at the restaurant, and waited for a table. While Lucy went to the bathroom, another young man (Vincent, a conspirator) had told Mark that he was proposing that night. He had asked the staff to plant the ring in her cheesecake. Mark asked if she might swallow it by accident, and Vincent said no, she took very tiny bites.
Mark and Lucy's table just "happened" to be near the table of Vincent and his girlfriend, Susannah. When the waiter asked Mark and Lucy if they wanted dessert, Lucy asked for cheesecake. Mark didn't want anything.
The desserts at the two tables were delivered at the same time. Mark told Lucy to watch Vincent's table. Lucy did, but ate her cheesecake in the meantime.
Mark was watching Susannah finish her cheesecake, and Vincent's troubled expression, when he heard a gasp from Lucy. He looked, and she was holding the ring. "YES!" she squealed in delight. "I'll marry you! I will! YESYESYES!"
Mark's eyes were wide. "N...n..." he stuttered, looking at Vincent. Vincent's look of shock at Lucy's outburst had turned into one of rage.
"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!" Vincent screamed, jumping from his seat. "I TELL YOU WHAT I'M PLANNING, AND YOU DECIDE TO STEAL MY IDEA AND MY RING? HOW DARE YOU?"
"N...n..." stuttered Mark.
"Wait," Susannah said angrily. "That was supposed to be my ring? Buried in the cheesecake? Are you trying to kill me?"
"No," said Vincent. "I..."
"YOU KNOW WHAT BIG BITES I TAKE!" screamed Susannah, standing up and throwing her napkin to the floor. "YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" And she stormed from the restaurant.
Vincent stared after her for a moment, then slowly turned to Mark. "You're dead," he hissed. "I will hunt you down and kill you. Watch your back." Then he ran out of the restaurant after Susannah.
Mark looked at Lucy, who was staring at him in shock. "Then this wasn't for me?" she asked.
Mark shook his head.
Lucy began to cry. It was all very convincing, Harvey thought. And to add the finishing touch, she began to wail, "WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR FIVE YEARS! IF YOU CAN'T MARRY ME, THEN I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" And she too fled the restaurant.
Mark sat, mouth hanging open. Harvey pitied him a bit, but he'd know it was all a joke momentarily. Harvey was dressed as a waiter on this night, and walked over to where Mark was sitting.
"Wow," Harvey said. "That stinks."
Mark looked at him. "You could say that," he replied. "I ruined two relationships tonight. That guy is going to kill me. I'm never going to see Lucy again. I feel like shooting myself."
Harvey nodded sympathetically. "Well, before you do that..."
"In fact," Mark interrupted, "I've got a gun in the car. Excuse me." And he bolted from the restaurant.
"NO, WAIT!" yelled Harvey, but Mark was already halfway out of the restaurant. Harvey was terrified, and ran after him. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT WAS..."
An old lady stepped in front of him. "You're from that awful Ambush! show, aren't you?"
"Yes, but..." stammered Harvey, trying despearately to get around her.
"I saw what you did to that poor man last season," the old lady persisted. "Now you're trying to ruin someone else's life. How dare you?"
"Lady," Harvey said, angrily. "If you don't get out of my way..."
A blast was heard from outside. Harvey stopped in shock. "Goodness!" said the old lady. "What was that?"
Harvey pushed past her and ran outside. A crowd was huddled by the cars. Harvey ran over, visions of lawsuits and jail time in his head. The show was done. His career was finished. His life, as he knew it, was over. He pushed his way through and saw the corpse, lying on the ground, surrounded by dark red liquid.
But then the corpse stirred. It pushed up, and stood with its back to Harvey. Then it turned its blood stained face to him.
It was Phil Dundermann.
From the crowd, Vincent and Susannah, married for fifteen years and old college friends of Phil, grinned at Harvey with their arms around each other. Lucy and Mark, who had gone to elementary school with Phil and still maintained close ties, were stifling their laughter. Even Phil's mom, who had so effectively kept Harvey from coming out of the restaurant too early, had come out to join the fun.
Phil brushed some of the ketchup off his face, and said, with an evil grin, "Surprise. You've been Ambushed."
The crowd threw confetti in the air, and everyone laughed. Everyone, that is, except Harvey Rossel.
THE END
Lucy and Mark had arrived at the restaurant, and waited for a table. While Lucy went to the bathroom, another young man (Vincent, a conspirator) had told Mark that he was proposing that night. He had asked the staff to plant the ring in her cheesecake. Mark asked if she might swallow it by accident, and Vincent said no, she took very tiny bites.
Mark and Lucy's table just "happened" to be near the table of Vincent and his girlfriend, Susannah. When the waiter asked Mark and Lucy if they wanted dessert, Lucy asked for cheesecake. Mark didn't want anything.
The desserts at the two tables were delivered at the same time. Mark told Lucy to watch Vincent's table. Lucy did, but ate her cheesecake in the meantime.
Mark was watching Susannah finish her cheesecake, and Vincent's troubled expression, when he heard a gasp from Lucy. He looked, and she was holding the ring. "YES!" she squealed in delight. "I'll marry you! I will! YESYESYES!"
Mark's eyes were wide. "N...n..." he stuttered, looking at Vincent. Vincent's look of shock at Lucy's outburst had turned into one of rage.
"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!" Vincent screamed, jumping from his seat. "I TELL YOU WHAT I'M PLANNING, AND YOU DECIDE TO STEAL MY IDEA AND MY RING? HOW DARE YOU?"
"N...n..." stuttered Mark.
"Wait," Susannah said angrily. "That was supposed to be my ring? Buried in the cheesecake? Are you trying to kill me?"
"No," said Vincent. "I..."
"YOU KNOW WHAT BIG BITES I TAKE!" screamed Susannah, standing up and throwing her napkin to the floor. "YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" And she stormed from the restaurant.
Vincent stared after her for a moment, then slowly turned to Mark. "You're dead," he hissed. "I will hunt you down and kill you. Watch your back." Then he ran out of the restaurant after Susannah.
Mark looked at Lucy, who was staring at him in shock. "Then this wasn't for me?" she asked.
Mark shook his head.
Lucy began to cry. It was all very convincing, Harvey thought. And to add the finishing touch, she began to wail, "WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR FIVE YEARS! IF YOU CAN'T MARRY ME, THEN I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" And she too fled the restaurant.
Mark sat, mouth hanging open. Harvey pitied him a bit, but he'd know it was all a joke momentarily. Harvey was dressed as a waiter on this night, and walked over to where Mark was sitting.
"Wow," Harvey said. "That stinks."
Mark looked at him. "You could say that," he replied. "I ruined two relationships tonight. That guy is going to kill me. I'm never going to see Lucy again. I feel like shooting myself."
Harvey nodded sympathetically. "Well, before you do that..."
"In fact," Mark interrupted, "I've got a gun in the car. Excuse me." And he bolted from the restaurant.
"NO, WAIT!" yelled Harvey, but Mark was already halfway out of the restaurant. Harvey was terrified, and ran after him. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT WAS..."
An old lady stepped in front of him. "You're from that awful Ambush! show, aren't you?"
"Yes, but..." stammered Harvey, trying despearately to get around her.
"I saw what you did to that poor man last season," the old lady persisted. "Now you're trying to ruin someone else's life. How dare you?"
"Lady," Harvey said, angrily. "If you don't get out of my way..."
A blast was heard from outside. Harvey stopped in shock. "Goodness!" said the old lady. "What was that?"
Harvey pushed past her and ran outside. A crowd was huddled by the cars. Harvey ran over, visions of lawsuits and jail time in his head. The show was done. His career was finished. His life, as he knew it, was over. He pushed his way through and saw the corpse, lying on the ground, surrounded by dark red liquid.
But then the corpse stirred. It pushed up, and stood with its back to Harvey. Then it turned its blood stained face to him.
It was Phil Dundermann.
From the crowd, Vincent and Susannah, married for fifteen years and old college friends of Phil, grinned at Harvey with their arms around each other. Lucy and Mark, who had gone to elementary school with Phil and still maintained close ties, were stifling their laughter. Even Phil's mom, who had so effectively kept Harvey from coming out of the restaurant too early, had come out to join the fun.
Phil brushed some of the ketchup off his face, and said, with an evil grin, "Surprise. You've been Ambushed."
The crowd threw confetti in the air, and everyone laughed. Everyone, that is, except Harvey Rossel.
THE END
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Ambushed, part VI
Phil woke in a darkened room. He was lying in a bed. He had no idea where he was. There were beeps all around. Somewhere, he could hear talking. A door opened, and a woman in blue walked in.
"He's awake!" she called into the hall, and came to his side. "How are you feeling, Mr. Dundermann?"
Phil shut his eyes tightly and opened them again. "Where am I? What happened?"
The nurse was checking his pulse. "You were in a very bad car accident. You've been unconscious for the last five months. This is the hospital."
"Unconscious?" asked Phil, trying to remember. He could remember standing on Frank's porch, looking at his house, with that taxi...then he couldn't remember anything else. He certainly didn't remember a car crash, though that taxi ride was miraculously accident free.
"Was I ever...I mean, have you heard of a show called Ambush?" Phil asked.
The nurse shook her head. "I don't really watch much TV," she said, then walked out of the room.
Phil rested his head on the pillow. If he had been in a car accident, then it stood to reason that the whole Ambush! fiasco had been a very very bad dream. He could accept that. No way could people be that cruel to...
The lights turned on, the walls lifted, and Phil saw that he was not in a hospital room at all, but right smack in the middle of a roller skating rink. People began skating around him as "Dancing Queen" started playing over the PA system. Confetti was falling from the ceiling, and Phil saw a huge banner that said, "SURPRISE! YOU'VE BEEN AMBUSHED!" And everyone was laughing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phil disguised himself, and attended the taping of the season finale for Ambush! The entire episode was dedicated to him. They started out with a recap of the restaurant prank, and an interview with Harvey Rossel saying they had really just picked Phil randomly. However, they were so happy with his reaction, they decided to see just how far they could push him, which led to the parking garage prank. They had towed Phil's car from place to place. During this prank, the attendant had swiped Phil's keys, and they had made a quick copy of his house key. They showed the redecorating prank, along with pictures of Phil fast asleep in bed, unaware that anyone was filming him.
After that, they showed his latest mishaps, along with explanations of how each was pulled off. The package prank was the easiest to do, partly because it was such an old joke. In the elevator, the original plan was to have them get stuck and Phil deliver the baby (the woman was Harvey Rossel's wife, and really was pregnant). But Phil had called them on it, so they went to Plan B - deny pregnancy and just play with the elevator. The taxi stunt was, of course, the most elaborate prank Ambushed! had ever attempted, and it worked beautifully. They hired ten stunt taxi drivers, assuming (correctly) that Phil would be suspicious and probably wouldn't take the first few that went by. All other taxis in town had been instructed not to pick him up. The taxi driver had driven to a part of town that had been sectioned off to accomodate the car chase. No one had been injured, all crashes were planned, and the effect, when seen on film, was very striking.
Of course, there were plenty of shots of Phil looking bemused and bewildered through the whole thing. It was explained that the fainting episode Phil experienced was unplanned, but since he appeared to be OK (just overstressed), they decided to pull one final prank on him...the waking up in the fake hospital.
After all had been shown, Harvey Rossel told the audience that they were retiring old Phil from the show. No no, he said when the crowd booed a little. Phil was a good sport, and a good guy, and it was time he got left alone. The show ended, and everyone left.
Phil didn't believe it. He knew this was a ploy to get his defenses down. He knew they would be after him again. They may wait a few months, but they'd be back. This was now personal. There was only one way to stop the madness, and Phil had a plan.
NEXT: A New Victim
"He's awake!" she called into the hall, and came to his side. "How are you feeling, Mr. Dundermann?"
Phil shut his eyes tightly and opened them again. "Where am I? What happened?"
The nurse was checking his pulse. "You were in a very bad car accident. You've been unconscious for the last five months. This is the hospital."
"Unconscious?" asked Phil, trying to remember. He could remember standing on Frank's porch, looking at his house, with that taxi...then he couldn't remember anything else. He certainly didn't remember a car crash, though that taxi ride was miraculously accident free.
"Was I ever...I mean, have you heard of a show called Ambush?" Phil asked.
The nurse shook her head. "I don't really watch much TV," she said, then walked out of the room.
Phil rested his head on the pillow. If he had been in a car accident, then it stood to reason that the whole Ambush! fiasco had been a very very bad dream. He could accept that. No way could people be that cruel to...
The lights turned on, the walls lifted, and Phil saw that he was not in a hospital room at all, but right smack in the middle of a roller skating rink. People began skating around him as "Dancing Queen" started playing over the PA system. Confetti was falling from the ceiling, and Phil saw a huge banner that said, "SURPRISE! YOU'VE BEEN AMBUSHED!" And everyone was laughing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phil disguised himself, and attended the taping of the season finale for Ambush! The entire episode was dedicated to him. They started out with a recap of the restaurant prank, and an interview with Harvey Rossel saying they had really just picked Phil randomly. However, they were so happy with his reaction, they decided to see just how far they could push him, which led to the parking garage prank. They had towed Phil's car from place to place. During this prank, the attendant had swiped Phil's keys, and they had made a quick copy of his house key. They showed the redecorating prank, along with pictures of Phil fast asleep in bed, unaware that anyone was filming him.
After that, they showed his latest mishaps, along with explanations of how each was pulled off. The package prank was the easiest to do, partly because it was such an old joke. In the elevator, the original plan was to have them get stuck and Phil deliver the baby (the woman was Harvey Rossel's wife, and really was pregnant). But Phil had called them on it, so they went to Plan B - deny pregnancy and just play with the elevator. The taxi stunt was, of course, the most elaborate prank Ambushed! had ever attempted, and it worked beautifully. They hired ten stunt taxi drivers, assuming (correctly) that Phil would be suspicious and probably wouldn't take the first few that went by. All other taxis in town had been instructed not to pick him up. The taxi driver had driven to a part of town that had been sectioned off to accomodate the car chase. No one had been injured, all crashes were planned, and the effect, when seen on film, was very striking.
Of course, there were plenty of shots of Phil looking bemused and bewildered through the whole thing. It was explained that the fainting episode Phil experienced was unplanned, but since he appeared to be OK (just overstressed), they decided to pull one final prank on him...the waking up in the fake hospital.
After all had been shown, Harvey Rossel told the audience that they were retiring old Phil from the show. No no, he said when the crowd booed a little. Phil was a good sport, and a good guy, and it was time he got left alone. The show ended, and everyone left.
Phil didn't believe it. He knew this was a ploy to get his defenses down. He knew they would be after him again. They may wait a few months, but they'd be back. This was now personal. There was only one way to stop the madness, and Phil had a plan.
NEXT: A New Victim
Monday, April 14, 2008
Ambushed, part V
Phil ran to the street and hailed a cab. No way was he going to his car today. As he was climbing into the taxi, he realized that the Ambushed! people probably expected this, and this cab was probably in on the joke. So he got out and waved it on.
He waved on the next five taxis, and finally got in the seventh. He told it to take him to his house and gave the address. As the cab driver drove down the street, he looked in the rearview mirror and said, "Hey, aren't you that guy..."
"NO!" screamed Phil. "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!"
"Relax, pal," said the driver. "I just thought you looked a little like that guy from that movie. You know, the one with the chimp that was running a gym?"
"The one with the chimp that was running a gym?" asked Phil, somewhat relieved."Yeah!" said the driver enthusiastically and spent the next ten minutes telling Phil the plot of what was apparently his favorite movie. Phil leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
"Hey," the driver said suddenly. "You know those guys?"
Phil turned and saw a white van behind the cab. Fear filled his heart. "I don't know," he said.
The cabbie shrugged. "They've been behind us since I picked you up."
The taxi turned right, and Phil could see the logo imprinted on the side of the van. AMBUSH!
"No, oh no," he moaned. "Can you lose them?"
"Thought you'd never ask," said the cabbie, and took off. Phil had to hold on to make sre he wasn't thrown against the sides of the car as the taxi sped down the crowded city streets. On several occasions, Phil was sure he would die when oncoming traffic looked primed to crash into the cab head on, but the cabbie knew what he was doing, and death was avoided by mere centimeters every time.
Behind the taxi, however, the van was keeping pace. Phil was more scared than he had ever been, and said, "Maybe we should just stop and see what they want."
"No way, Cletus," said the cabbie. "Those punks messed with the wrong taxi."
The cabbie cut left sharply to avoid a collision with an oncoming semi. However, the van was not as lucky. It missed the semi, veered off the road and crashed into the side of a building.
"We have to go back!" shouted Phil. "They may be hurt!"
"Too late," said the cabbie as three cop cars appeared, sirens blazing, chasing the taxi. The cabbie led them on a merry chase for several miles, then did a nifty u-turn on a bridge that sent the cop cars sailing over the edge and into the river below.
Phil was horrified. He couldn't believe what had just happened. It was so surreal, and the cabbie was so calm.
Now unpursued, the cab headed for Phil's house. When it got there, the cabbie insisted that there was no charge. "Never had more fun," he said. "Besides, they have my cab number now, I'm going to have to run for it. It was a pleasure." Phil got out, and started to walk towards his house. The cabbie called after him. "Hey! Phil!"
Phil had known this was coming. The cabbie was too calm, there were no apparent repercussions, and besides, he had never told the cabbie his name. He gritted his teeth and turned around.
"Surprise! You've been Ambushed!" the cabbie yelled happily. Confetti shot from the roof of his vehicle. Phil grimaced, turned and walked up to his house.
His key didn't work. Perfect. He pounded on the door, and sure enough, a guy opened the door. "May I help you?"
Phil nodded. "Yeah, this is my house, and you're going to tell me it's actually your house, and I'll insist that it's mine, and then you'll embarrass me, and then you'll tell me I've been Ambushed. I've had a hard day, can you just let me inside?"
The man looked confused. "Phil, it's me, Frank," Frank said. "Your house is on the other side of the street."
Phil looked. Yep, there it was. The taxi was spewing confetti, and the driver was laughing hard, pounding the steering wheel. Phil decided then that he couldn't handle it anymore. He passed out right there on Frank's stoop.
NEXT: It's Over?
Friday, April 11, 2008
Ambushed, part IV
For about a month, nothing happened. Phil went to work, got mocked endlessly, jumped at small noises, spoke to no one he didn't know, kept himself completely to his routine without allowing any deviation, and in general became a recluse. His house had become something of a tourist spot, with people stopping to take pictures, ringing the doorbell to see if they could come in and see what he had done with the place, honking their horns in the middle of the night, and so on. Phil was deperately trying to find out what legal action he could take, but he was frightened that any lawyer he spoke to would be under the employ of Ambush!
One day, as Phil was working at his desk, he received a package. After Phil had signed the form, the delivery man said, "Hey, aren't you that guy..."
"No," snapped Phil. "Goodbye." And he ripped open the package.
Plastic snakes flew out, and Phil jumped back in fear. It took him a second to realize what had just happened.
"Surprise!" said the delivery guy. "You've been Ambushed!"
Confetti fell from the ceiling and everyone around Phil's cubicle laughed. Phil stood, looked the delivery man right in the eye, and screamed. Loudly. For a long time. Then he grabbed his briefcase, and headed for the elevator. The camel's back had been broken. He would move to some third world country where no one had a television.
The elevator doors opened, and Phil stepped inside. One floor down, the doors opened again, and a large woman walked in.
"Oh, har de har har," snarled Phil. "Let me guess...the elevator will get stuck and I'll have to deliver your baby, right? How original."
The woman looked offended. "I'm not pregnant."
"OH!" said Phil, aghast. "I'm so sorry! I..."
They reached the woman's floor. After she got back, she looked at him and said, "Hey, aren't you that guy..."
"NO!" yelled Phil, as the doors closed. However, instead of heading down, the elevator went up.
"HEY, YOU STUPID ELEVATOR!" Phil screamed, and hit the doors. The elevator stopped, and the alarm went off. "Nononono, that's not what I wanted to you to do! Shh! SSSHHH!!!" The alarm stopped, but the elevator did not move. Phil wondered if he had hurt the elevator's feelings, then wondered if he had lost his mind.
The elevator started up again, moving downward, but very slowly. Phil got the impression that it was sulking. Finally, it arrived on the first floor and the doors opened. However, Phil found that he was actually halfway between the first floor and the basement. He could see people's feet moving around at eye level. He waited until the doors shut, then hit the first floor button again. The doors opened, but the elevator had not moved fropm its previous position. Grumbling, Phil climbed out to the first floor.
Standing in front of him was the large woman and the elevator technician. They were laughing. "Surprise!" the woman said. "You've been Ambushed!"
Confetti fell, and everyone laughed, but Phil was too busy speeding out of the building to notice.
NEXT: The Fun Continues
One day, as Phil was working at his desk, he received a package. After Phil had signed the form, the delivery man said, "Hey, aren't you that guy..."
"No," snapped Phil. "Goodbye." And he ripped open the package.
Plastic snakes flew out, and Phil jumped back in fear. It took him a second to realize what had just happened.
"Surprise!" said the delivery guy. "You've been Ambushed!"
Confetti fell from the ceiling and everyone around Phil's cubicle laughed. Phil stood, looked the delivery man right in the eye, and screamed. Loudly. For a long time. Then he grabbed his briefcase, and headed for the elevator. The camel's back had been broken. He would move to some third world country where no one had a television.
The elevator doors opened, and Phil stepped inside. One floor down, the doors opened again, and a large woman walked in.
"Oh, har de har har," snarled Phil. "Let me guess...the elevator will get stuck and I'll have to deliver your baby, right? How original."
The woman looked offended. "I'm not pregnant."
"OH!" said Phil, aghast. "I'm so sorry! I..."
They reached the woman's floor. After she got back, she looked at him and said, "Hey, aren't you that guy..."
"NO!" yelled Phil, as the doors closed. However, instead of heading down, the elevator went up.
"HEY, YOU STUPID ELEVATOR!" Phil screamed, and hit the doors. The elevator stopped, and the alarm went off. "Nononono, that's not what I wanted to you to do! Shh! SSSHHH!!!" The alarm stopped, but the elevator did not move. Phil wondered if he had hurt the elevator's feelings, then wondered if he had lost his mind.
The elevator started up again, moving downward, but very slowly. Phil got the impression that it was sulking. Finally, it arrived on the first floor and the doors opened. However, Phil found that he was actually halfway between the first floor and the basement. He could see people's feet moving around at eye level. He waited until the doors shut, then hit the first floor button again. The doors opened, but the elevator had not moved fropm its previous position. Grumbling, Phil climbed out to the first floor.
Standing in front of him was the large woman and the elevator technician. They were laughing. "Surprise!" the woman said. "You've been Ambushed!"
Confetti fell, and everyone laughed, but Phil was too busy speeding out of the building to notice.
NEXT: The Fun Continues
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Ambushed, part III
In the week before Phil's next appearance on Ambush!, the producers started running commericals announcing "the return of an old favorite", complete with a flash of Phil's face looking utterly bewildered. Phil didn't see the ads right away, but heard all about them at work. He considered going into hiding again, but decided it would be too transparent.
On the day before the episode was scheduled to run, Phil accidentally overslept. For some reason, his alarm didn't go off in the night. He called in to say that he was running a little behind, and his boss said it was fine.
Before Phil could start his day, he had to have his coffee and read the newspaper. It was his routine, and he wasn't going to change it just because he was running behind. So, he trudged out his driveway to where the paper lay. He didn't notice the van parked across the street.
Phil picked up his paper, stood and turned around, to find two people blocking his way. An immaculately primped woman holding a microphone, and a shabby man holding a camera.
The woman began speaking rapidly to the camera. "This is Penelope Chatter-Bachs, and I have with me Mr. Phil Dundermann, a man who has been thoroughly humiliated by the hit television show 'Ambush!' several times now. Thank you for agreeing to speak with us, Mr. Dundermann."
"What?" said Phil.
"Of course, we have followed your trials and tribulations very closely," said Chatter-Bachs, "and I must say that it is totally reprehensible the way Ambush! has treated you."
"YES!" exploded Phil. "Why do I have to get picked on? It makes no sense!"
"Absolutely!" said Chatter-Bachs. "We thought we'd give our viewers a detailed look at the real Phil Dundermann, man of passion, grace, and humility."
"Well, I don't know..." mumbled Phil. "I'm actually late for work."
"This won't take five minutes," said Chatter-Bachs. "So, this is your house?"
"Yes," said Phil. "I've lived here for five years..."
"Let's take a look!" said Chatter-Bachs, and she and the cameraman charged towards his front door, which was standing wide open. Phil watched them, then rushed after them, not liking this at all.
"Well, I must say," Chatter-Bachs was saying as Phil rushed in the door. "This is not at all what I expected."
They were standing in front of the living room. Phil looked in, and had to stifle a scream. The whole living room was pink. Lacy curtains adorned the windows, and pictures of kittens and puppies covered the walls that were now layered with bright pink flowery wallpaper. The sofa and easy chair now had fluffy pink pillows on them, and the coffee table was festooned with pictures of Martha Stewart.
"And what do we have here?" asked Chatter-Bachs, already in the kitchen with the cameraman. Phil rushed after them to find that the kitchen was completely trashed. Food, dirty dishes, and trash were everywhere. Phil was shocked...he always strove to be as neat as possible. How had this happened?
"Oh, and is that your dog?" asked Chatter-Bachs. Phil looked to see Floyd, his rottweiller, sitting mournfully in the back yard wearing a tutu and a tiara.
It had taken him this long, being early morning and all, but Phil finally put two and two together. He hung his head, and turned to face the camera. He almost mouthed the words along with Penelope Chatter-Bachs.
"Surprise!" she said. "You've been Ambushed!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phil watched the whole thing, along with the confetti and aftermath on a special episode of Celeb Mania!, the tabloid show that aired right before Ambush! Penelope Chatter-Bachs was a real correspondant, and the show featured her exclusive story and interview with Harvey Rossel. Rossel was the man behind Ambush!, and had even played the manager in their first prank on Phil. The purpose of the interview was to tease the show, but Rossel explained a few things for the audience. They had gotten the keys to Phil's house in the parking garage prank, and had turned off his alarm so he would sleep in. They had, of course, cleared it with his boss first. Wouldn't want to get the poor guy fired. They had silently redecorated in the night, and had taken pictures to record their movements, which would be shown on Ambush! that evening. Phil was a good sport, Harvey said, and he didn't mind. This, Phil thought, was a lie, but he decided he shouldn't have pretended to be such a good sport the first time.
To close out the interview, before Ambush! showed Phil's latest humiliation, Rossel made a statement that made Phil's stomach do flip flops.
"I think it's safe to say that we haven't seen the last of Mr. Dundermann," Rossel said. "I think the best is yet to come."
NEXT: That Depends On Your Definition Of "The Best"
On the day before the episode was scheduled to run, Phil accidentally overslept. For some reason, his alarm didn't go off in the night. He called in to say that he was running a little behind, and his boss said it was fine.
Before Phil could start his day, he had to have his coffee and read the newspaper. It was his routine, and he wasn't going to change it just because he was running behind. So, he trudged out his driveway to where the paper lay. He didn't notice the van parked across the street.
Phil picked up his paper, stood and turned around, to find two people blocking his way. An immaculately primped woman holding a microphone, and a shabby man holding a camera.
The woman began speaking rapidly to the camera. "This is Penelope Chatter-Bachs, and I have with me Mr. Phil Dundermann, a man who has been thoroughly humiliated by the hit television show 'Ambush!' several times now. Thank you for agreeing to speak with us, Mr. Dundermann."
"What?" said Phil.
"Of course, we have followed your trials and tribulations very closely," said Chatter-Bachs, "and I must say that it is totally reprehensible the way Ambush! has treated you."
"YES!" exploded Phil. "Why do I have to get picked on? It makes no sense!"
"Absolutely!" said Chatter-Bachs. "We thought we'd give our viewers a detailed look at the real Phil Dundermann, man of passion, grace, and humility."
"Well, I don't know..." mumbled Phil. "I'm actually late for work."
"This won't take five minutes," said Chatter-Bachs. "So, this is your house?"
"Yes," said Phil. "I've lived here for five years..."
"Let's take a look!" said Chatter-Bachs, and she and the cameraman charged towards his front door, which was standing wide open. Phil watched them, then rushed after them, not liking this at all.
"Well, I must say," Chatter-Bachs was saying as Phil rushed in the door. "This is not at all what I expected."
They were standing in front of the living room. Phil looked in, and had to stifle a scream. The whole living room was pink. Lacy curtains adorned the windows, and pictures of kittens and puppies covered the walls that were now layered with bright pink flowery wallpaper. The sofa and easy chair now had fluffy pink pillows on them, and the coffee table was festooned with pictures of Martha Stewart.
"And what do we have here?" asked Chatter-Bachs, already in the kitchen with the cameraman. Phil rushed after them to find that the kitchen was completely trashed. Food, dirty dishes, and trash were everywhere. Phil was shocked...he always strove to be as neat as possible. How had this happened?
"Oh, and is that your dog?" asked Chatter-Bachs. Phil looked to see Floyd, his rottweiller, sitting mournfully in the back yard wearing a tutu and a tiara.
It had taken him this long, being early morning and all, but Phil finally put two and two together. He hung his head, and turned to face the camera. He almost mouthed the words along with Penelope Chatter-Bachs.
"Surprise!" she said. "You've been Ambushed!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phil watched the whole thing, along with the confetti and aftermath on a special episode of Celeb Mania!, the tabloid show that aired right before Ambush! Penelope Chatter-Bachs was a real correspondant, and the show featured her exclusive story and interview with Harvey Rossel. Rossel was the man behind Ambush!, and had even played the manager in their first prank on Phil. The purpose of the interview was to tease the show, but Rossel explained a few things for the audience. They had gotten the keys to Phil's house in the parking garage prank, and had turned off his alarm so he would sleep in. They had, of course, cleared it with his boss first. Wouldn't want to get the poor guy fired. They had silently redecorated in the night, and had taken pictures to record their movements, which would be shown on Ambush! that evening. Phil was a good sport, Harvey said, and he didn't mind. This, Phil thought, was a lie, but he decided he shouldn't have pretended to be such a good sport the first time.
To close out the interview, before Ambush! showed Phil's latest humiliation, Rossel made a statement that made Phil's stomach do flip flops.
"I think it's safe to say that we haven't seen the last of Mr. Dundermann," Rossel said. "I think the best is yet to come."
NEXT: That Depends On Your Definition Of "The Best"
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Ambushed, part II
Phil was having a miserable day. He had been chewed out by his boss for web surfing when he should be working, his mom had called and harangued him for almost half an hour about his plans for starting a family, and he had a massive headache. So, when he got to the parking garage and discovered that his car was missing, he wasn't at all surprised. Mad, but not surprised.
He went to the parking attendant's booth. The regular guy was named George, and was pretty friendly with Phil. However, there was a new guy reading a comic book. The Green Lantern. Phil tapped on the window. The guy didn't look up. Phil tapped again. The guy looked up.
"My car was stolen," said Phil.
The guy looked confused. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure," said Phil. "I parked on the third level, in section G. It's not there."
The guy looked even more baffled. "Nobody has gone out that didn't have a pass. Do you have your pass?"
"Yes!" shouted Phil. "I'm not an idiot!" The attendant glared at him. "Sorry," Phil mumbled. "I'm just frustrated."
The attendant sighed. "Well, let's go check."
The two went up to the third floor. And there it was, right where Phil remembered leaving it. He scratched his head. "I must've been on the wrong floor. Sorry." The attendant grumbled, and went back to his post.
Phil stood and stared at his car for a minute. Something didn't feel right. Finally, he gave up, and felt for his keys.
His keys were gone. He knew he had them...he had had them out when he was looking for his car the first time. He must've dropped them somewhere between here and the attendant's booth.
The attendant was on to Spider-Man when Phil knocked on the window again. "I didn't drop my keys around here, did I?" The attendant looked furious. Phil was taken aback. "Sorry," he said. "I didn't look in the elevator, maybe I dropped them there."
Phil went to the elevator and took it up to the fourth floor, thinking that maybe he had lost them on whatever floor he thought he had parked on. And, yep, there they were, right next to his car.
Phil shook his head, and had gotten into the driver's seat before he realized that he wasn't on the third floor.
Something clicked in his brain. In desperation, he put the key in the ignition to try and get away, but someone had stuck their head inside his window and screamed, "SURPRISE! YOU'VE BEEN AMBUSHED!"
Confetti fell from the ceiling, and people Phil didn't even know were there laughed and applauded. It was even harder this time to act like a good sport, and Phil had a sinking feeling that things were going to get worse.
NEXT: Phil Hates Being Right
He went to the parking attendant's booth. The regular guy was named George, and was pretty friendly with Phil. However, there was a new guy reading a comic book. The Green Lantern. Phil tapped on the window. The guy didn't look up. Phil tapped again. The guy looked up.
"My car was stolen," said Phil.
The guy looked confused. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure," said Phil. "I parked on the third level, in section G. It's not there."
The guy looked even more baffled. "Nobody has gone out that didn't have a pass. Do you have your pass?"
"Yes!" shouted Phil. "I'm not an idiot!" The attendant glared at him. "Sorry," Phil mumbled. "I'm just frustrated."
The attendant sighed. "Well, let's go check."
The two went up to the third floor. And there it was, right where Phil remembered leaving it. He scratched his head. "I must've been on the wrong floor. Sorry." The attendant grumbled, and went back to his post.
Phil stood and stared at his car for a minute. Something didn't feel right. Finally, he gave up, and felt for his keys.
His keys were gone. He knew he had them...he had had them out when he was looking for his car the first time. He must've dropped them somewhere between here and the attendant's booth.
The attendant was on to Spider-Man when Phil knocked on the window again. "I didn't drop my keys around here, did I?" The attendant looked furious. Phil was taken aback. "Sorry," he said. "I didn't look in the elevator, maybe I dropped them there."
Phil went to the elevator and took it up to the fourth floor, thinking that maybe he had lost them on whatever floor he thought he had parked on. And, yep, there they were, right next to his car.
Phil shook his head, and had gotten into the driver's seat before he realized that he wasn't on the third floor.
Something clicked in his brain. In desperation, he put the key in the ignition to try and get away, but someone had stuck their head inside his window and screamed, "SURPRISE! YOU'VE BEEN AMBUSHED!"
Confetti fell from the ceiling, and people Phil didn't even know were there laughed and applauded. It was even harder this time to act like a good sport, and Phil had a sinking feeling that things were going to get worse.
NEXT: Phil Hates Being Right
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Ambushed, part I
Phil was mad. He had been sitting in this stupid restaurant for over an hour. He had tried to get the waiter's attention several times. The waiter had taken his order forty-five minutes ago, and still had not brought Phil his water. Phil was this close to leaving. He didn't need this. He had places to go, people to see, a job to do.
Finally, he succeeded in getting the waiter's attention. "May I help you?" asked the waiter, a gawky kid with a nametag that read "Raymond".
"I ordered practically an hour ago," snapped Phil. "What's taking so long?"
"What did you order again?" asked Raymond.
"A hamburger, no mayonnaise or pickles, cooked medium rare, and a glass of water," Phil replied.
"Did you want fried with that?" asked Raymond.
"YES I WANT FRIES WITH THAT!" cried Phil, a lot louder than he intended. People were looking at him. He lowered his voice. "Listen," he said, "if I haven't gotten my food in the next five minutes, I'm leaving."
"Without paying?" asked Raymond.
"There's nothing to pay for!" hissed Phil.
"OK, fine, sir," Raymond said. His tone suggested that he was not at all pleased with Phil's attitude. Raymond walked away, and Raymond waited.
Five minutes passed. Nothing. He stood to go, then Raymond walked up with a plate of food. "Here you are, sir."
Phil looked at it. This was not a hamburger, no mayonnaise or pickles, cooked medium rare, fries, and a glass of water. This was a chicken sandwhich, burnt to a crisp, extra pickles and mayonnaise, cole slaw, and no water.
Rage boiled beneath Phil's usually calm exterior, but he just managed to keep it in check. "I want to see the manager," he said in a deadly whisper.
Raymond's eager smile faltered, but he nodded, set down the food, and left. Phil sat and seethed. Fifteen minutes passed. Finally, a man in a tie came out. "Raymond says there's a problem?" the man asked.
"You could say that," Phil replied. "I ordered a medium rare hamburger. This appears to be a very well done chicken. I ordered it with no mayonnaise or pickles, but as you can see, that's practically all I got. I ordered it with fries, and this appears to be cole slaw instead. Also, I ordered a cup of water, but as you can see, I haven't even gotten a substitute for that."
The manager's face fell. He turned to Raymond and snarled, "Get the man what he ordered!" Raymond quickly ran to the back and appeared moments later with a glass of water. "I'm so sorry," said the manager. "There will be no charge for the water."
That was it. Phil blew up. He screamed, jumped around, cursed, upended tables, threatened, jumped some more, and finally, as he was taking a breath, he noticed that everyone was smiling.
"Surprise!" said the manager. "You've been Ambushed!" And he pointed to a hidden camera in the potted plant near Phil's table.
Confetti fell from the ceiling, everyone laughed and applauded, and Phil laughed too, trying to show what a good sport he was. Ambush was a new hidden camera show, and apparently Phil was its most recent victim.
When his episode premiered, Phil didn't go into work for a week. He changed his number, shut all the blinds, and tried desperately to wish that it had never happened. Even went he went into work, he still had to endure all kinds of ridicule. However, it eventually died away, and Phil vowed to never get suckered into anything like that again.
NEXT: Wishful Thinking
Finally, he succeeded in getting the waiter's attention. "May I help you?" asked the waiter, a gawky kid with a nametag that read "Raymond".
"I ordered practically an hour ago," snapped Phil. "What's taking so long?"
"What did you order again?" asked Raymond.
"A hamburger, no mayonnaise or pickles, cooked medium rare, and a glass of water," Phil replied.
"Did you want fried with that?" asked Raymond.
"YES I WANT FRIES WITH THAT!" cried Phil, a lot louder than he intended. People were looking at him. He lowered his voice. "Listen," he said, "if I haven't gotten my food in the next five minutes, I'm leaving."
"Without paying?" asked Raymond.
"There's nothing to pay for!" hissed Phil.
"OK, fine, sir," Raymond said. His tone suggested that he was not at all pleased with Phil's attitude. Raymond walked away, and Raymond waited.
Five minutes passed. Nothing. He stood to go, then Raymond walked up with a plate of food. "Here you are, sir."
Phil looked at it. This was not a hamburger, no mayonnaise or pickles, cooked medium rare, fries, and a glass of water. This was a chicken sandwhich, burnt to a crisp, extra pickles and mayonnaise, cole slaw, and no water.
Rage boiled beneath Phil's usually calm exterior, but he just managed to keep it in check. "I want to see the manager," he said in a deadly whisper.
Raymond's eager smile faltered, but he nodded, set down the food, and left. Phil sat and seethed. Fifteen minutes passed. Finally, a man in a tie came out. "Raymond says there's a problem?" the man asked.
"You could say that," Phil replied. "I ordered a medium rare hamburger. This appears to be a very well done chicken. I ordered it with no mayonnaise or pickles, but as you can see, that's practically all I got. I ordered it with fries, and this appears to be cole slaw instead. Also, I ordered a cup of water, but as you can see, I haven't even gotten a substitute for that."
The manager's face fell. He turned to Raymond and snarled, "Get the man what he ordered!" Raymond quickly ran to the back and appeared moments later with a glass of water. "I'm so sorry," said the manager. "There will be no charge for the water."
That was it. Phil blew up. He screamed, jumped around, cursed, upended tables, threatened, jumped some more, and finally, as he was taking a breath, he noticed that everyone was smiling.
"Surprise!" said the manager. "You've been Ambushed!" And he pointed to a hidden camera in the potted plant near Phil's table.
Confetti fell from the ceiling, everyone laughed and applauded, and Phil laughed too, trying to show what a good sport he was. Ambush was a new hidden camera show, and apparently Phil was its most recent victim.
When his episode premiered, Phil didn't go into work for a week. He changed his number, shut all the blinds, and tried desperately to wish that it had never happened. Even went he went into work, he still had to endure all kinds of ridicule. However, it eventually died away, and Phil vowed to never get suckered into anything like that again.
NEXT: Wishful Thinking
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Secret of Twah, part IX
The story so far...A farmer from the village at the base of the mountain one day heard a voice that said "TWAH". He then began a journey to the monastery on top of the mountain to find out the Secret of Twah. In order to do so, he had to undertake a rigorous Rite of Monkhood. He lived in a tree for a full year. He recovered four cups from the village. He took a written exam, almost failed, but was granted a reprieve. Finally, he had to make his way through one hundred doors that progressively got more difficult to open. When he finally opened the last one, he learned the Secret of Twah.
Unfortunately, I can't tell you what it is. You're not a monk.
THE END
Unfortunately, I can't tell you what it is. You're not a monk.
THE END
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The Secret of Twah, part VIII
The story so far...after passing the first two tasks in the Rite of Monkhood, the farmer failed the written exam when he missed a question about how to kill the giant bee. Having just learned it, however, the farmer was able to give the correct answer, then waited a year to find out his fate. He now has one final task to complete.
The corridor was completely dark, save for a blue glowing light far in front of him. The voice spoke into his ear. "Give me your hand."
The farmer held out his left hand, and an object was placed into it by the still unseen monk. By feel, the monk determined that it was a key.
"Go towards that blue light," said the voice. "It is a door. Use this key to open the door. Behind that door is another key and another door. Keep going through the doors, and at the end, you will learn the Secret of Twah. Good luck."
The voice was gone. The farmer was alone. He walked to the blue light and opened the door with his key. Sure enough, there was another key in the next room, which he used to open another door. And so on.
By the tenth room, the farmer had noticed that the task was getting more difficult. Whereas the first key was tiny and light, the tenth key was about the size of a normal house key. The doors seemed to be getting heavier as well. But the farmer kept going. By the twenty-fifth room, the key had gotten as large as a loaf of bread. By the fortieth room, they had gotten as large as a medium sized dog. By the fiftieth, the key was as large as a pony. By the seventy-fifth room, the keys had gotten so large and heavy that the farmer had to rest before entering the next room and going again. By the nintieth room, the key was as large as his house in the village.
When the farmer entered the ninety-ninth room, he saw a glowing light under the next door, and he knew that this was it. The one hundredth door led to the Secret of Twah. But the key was massive. He had to spend an entire day pushing it to the door, another full day lifting it, another full day pushing it into the lock, another full day turning it, and a full week trying to open the door just enough that he could squeeze through. But squeeze through he did, and learned the Secret of Twah.
NEXT: The Secret of Twah
The corridor was completely dark, save for a blue glowing light far in front of him. The voice spoke into his ear. "Give me your hand."
The farmer held out his left hand, and an object was placed into it by the still unseen monk. By feel, the monk determined that it was a key.
"Go towards that blue light," said the voice. "It is a door. Use this key to open the door. Behind that door is another key and another door. Keep going through the doors, and at the end, you will learn the Secret of Twah. Good luck."
The voice was gone. The farmer was alone. He walked to the blue light and opened the door with his key. Sure enough, there was another key in the next room, which he used to open another door. And so on.
By the tenth room, the farmer had noticed that the task was getting more difficult. Whereas the first key was tiny and light, the tenth key was about the size of a normal house key. The doors seemed to be getting heavier as well. But the farmer kept going. By the twenty-fifth room, the key had gotten as large as a loaf of bread. By the fortieth room, they had gotten as large as a medium sized dog. By the fiftieth, the key was as large as a pony. By the seventy-fifth room, the keys had gotten so large and heavy that the farmer had to rest before entering the next room and going again. By the nintieth room, the key was as large as his house in the village.
When the farmer entered the ninety-ninth room, he saw a glowing light under the next door, and he knew that this was it. The one hundredth door led to the Secret of Twah. But the key was massive. He had to spend an entire day pushing it to the door, another full day lifting it, another full day pushing it into the lock, another full day turning it, and a full week trying to open the door just enough that he could squeeze through. But squeeze through he did, and learned the Secret of Twah.
NEXT: The Secret of Twah
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
The Secret of Twah, part VII
The story so far...the farmer, after enduring a year in a tree and a quest to recover four golden cups, returned to the monastery to complete a final, written exam. However, upon returning for his test results, the farmer found out that he had failed.
The farmer stared at the closed peephole, disbelieving. It could not be over. He pounded on the door. The peephole opened almost immediately. "What do you want?" demanded the voice.
"How bad was my score?" asked the farmer.
"Terrible," said the voice. "You missed the question about the giant bee."
"I know. What else?"
"That's all."
The farmer was quite incredulous now. "You mean I got every question on that test right except the question about the giant bee, and I FAILED?"
"It was the most important question, and the one all your trials were designed to help you answer," snapped the voice. "You spent a year in the tree so you could learn how to defeat and kill the giant bee so he wouldn't attack you on your second mission. Had you learned how to kill the bee in the tree, you wouldn't have been late with the cups. Your refusal to learn even the most basic tenets of survival means you are NOT monk material! Break off his stinger...that just makes him mad. Hit him, and yes, he goes away, but he'll be back to kill you another day. Now begone! The Secret of Twah is not for you!"
"Wait!" yelled the farmer as the peephole began to close. "Tear off its wings! That's how you kill it! It can't fly, so it dies!"
The eye looked at him through the half closed peephole. "How did you learn this?"
"I fought him," said the farmer. "In the flower field. We battled for a week, and I killed him."
The eye stared at him. "Let me speak to the master of monks," said the voice. The peephole closed, and the farmer waited. An hour passed before the peephole opened again.
"The master of monks is considering your case," said the voice, "and bids you to return in one year, when he shall render a decision. The master's vote will be final."
The peephole closed, and the farmer sat. He did not return to his family. He did not explore the area. For one full year, he sat in front of the door to the monastery. He ate when he was hungry, slept when he was tired, but always sat. Through rain and snow, hail and lightning, he sat.
When the year had passed, the peephole opened and the eye looked out at him. "The master of monks has designed one final task for you," said the voice. "Complete it, and you shall know the Secret of Twah."
The door opened. The farmer stood and stepped inside.
NEXT: The FINAL Final Task
The farmer stared at the closed peephole, disbelieving. It could not be over. He pounded on the door. The peephole opened almost immediately. "What do you want?" demanded the voice.
"How bad was my score?" asked the farmer.
"Terrible," said the voice. "You missed the question about the giant bee."
"I know. What else?"
"That's all."
The farmer was quite incredulous now. "You mean I got every question on that test right except the question about the giant bee, and I FAILED?"
"It was the most important question, and the one all your trials were designed to help you answer," snapped the voice. "You spent a year in the tree so you could learn how to defeat and kill the giant bee so he wouldn't attack you on your second mission. Had you learned how to kill the bee in the tree, you wouldn't have been late with the cups. Your refusal to learn even the most basic tenets of survival means you are NOT monk material! Break off his stinger...that just makes him mad. Hit him, and yes, he goes away, but he'll be back to kill you another day. Now begone! The Secret of Twah is not for you!"
"Wait!" yelled the farmer as the peephole began to close. "Tear off its wings! That's how you kill it! It can't fly, so it dies!"
The eye looked at him through the half closed peephole. "How did you learn this?"
"I fought him," said the farmer. "In the flower field. We battled for a week, and I killed him."
The eye stared at him. "Let me speak to the master of monks," said the voice. The peephole closed, and the farmer waited. An hour passed before the peephole opened again.
"The master of monks is considering your case," said the voice, "and bids you to return in one year, when he shall render a decision. The master's vote will be final."
The peephole closed, and the farmer sat. He did not return to his family. He did not explore the area. For one full year, he sat in front of the door to the monastery. He ate when he was hungry, slept when he was tired, but always sat. Through rain and snow, hail and lightning, he sat.
When the year had passed, the peephole opened and the eye looked out at him. "The master of monks has designed one final task for you," said the voice. "Complete it, and you shall know the Secret of Twah."
The door opened. The farmer stood and stepped inside.
NEXT: The FINAL Final Task
Monday, March 31, 2008
The Secret of Twah, part VI
The story so far...the farmer has barely gotten through the first two trials of the Rite of Monkhood. He spent a year in a tree, but his answers did not seem to satisfy the doorkeeper. He recovered four golden cups, but took five minutes longer than allotted. Now, he is about to begin his final exam.
The farmer looked through the stack of papers. Five hundred questions. Mostly multiple choice, though there were a few essay questions. Nothing else to do but get started.
The questions were pretty easy for the farmer. Most of them had to do with things he had learned in his time on the mountain. There was a question about how to disperse the tiny bats (light), several questions about the flowers in the field, a few questions about fruits of the trees, and several questions about the habits of roving vagabonds. However, it was question number 500 that tripped him up.
He looked over his answers, confident that he had passed. As soon as his time was up, the door opened, and a hood was thrust over his head. He was walked back through endless corridors, though he couldn't tell if it was the same direction as the first time. Finally, the hood was removed, and he found himself outside the monastery again. He turned to see the eye looking at him from the peephole.
"We will grade the test. Come back in a month for the results." The peephole shut.
The farmer spent most of the next month wandering around the forest. He met several roving vagabonds (who oddly enough only seemed to rove in one place), and had tea with them. Then they beat him up, but it was more for their image than anything else. The farmer also visited the flower field, and was horrified when he was attacked by the giant bee. Its stinger had regrown a bit, not nearly as long and menacing as it was, but still intimidating. Obviously, losing its stinger hadn't killed him. The farmer fought the bee, and after an epic battle that lasted a week, the farmer ripped the bee's wings off. The bee fell to the ground and was still. It was dead.
The month passed, and he returned to the monastery. After he knocked, he waited for five minutes before the peephole finally opened, very slowly.
"You failed," said the voice icily. The farmer stared in shock. The eye regarded him. "Sorry. No monkhood for you. No Secret of Twah. Goodbye." And the peephole closed.
NEXT: A Second Chance
The farmer looked through the stack of papers. Five hundred questions. Mostly multiple choice, though there were a few essay questions. Nothing else to do but get started.
The questions were pretty easy for the farmer. Most of them had to do with things he had learned in his time on the mountain. There was a question about how to disperse the tiny bats (light), several questions about the flowers in the field, a few questions about fruits of the trees, and several questions about the habits of roving vagabonds. However, it was question number 500 that tripped him up.
- 500. How do you kill the giant bee?
He looked over his answers, confident that he had passed. As soon as his time was up, the door opened, and a hood was thrust over his head. He was walked back through endless corridors, though he couldn't tell if it was the same direction as the first time. Finally, the hood was removed, and he found himself outside the monastery again. He turned to see the eye looking at him from the peephole.
"We will grade the test. Come back in a month for the results." The peephole shut.
The farmer spent most of the next month wandering around the forest. He met several roving vagabonds (who oddly enough only seemed to rove in one place), and had tea with them. Then they beat him up, but it was more for their image than anything else. The farmer also visited the flower field, and was horrified when he was attacked by the giant bee. Its stinger had regrown a bit, not nearly as long and menacing as it was, but still intimidating. Obviously, losing its stinger hadn't killed him. The farmer fought the bee, and after an epic battle that lasted a week, the farmer ripped the bee's wings off. The bee fell to the ground and was still. It was dead.
The month passed, and he returned to the monastery. After he knocked, he waited for five minutes before the peephole finally opened, very slowly.
"You failed," said the voice icily. The farmer stared in shock. The eye regarded him. "Sorry. No monkhood for you. No Secret of Twah. Goodbye." And the peephole closed.
NEXT: A Second Chance
The Secret of Twah, part V
The story so far...the farmer, in order to become a monk and learn the Secret of Twah, spent one year in a tree and recovered four golden cups from the village at the base of the mountain. He is now ascending the mountain, praying that he has completed his second task in time.
After a perilous journey through hailstones the size of watermelons, thunderstorms with lightning striking trees all around him, obligatory attacks by roving bands of vagabonds (some of whom now knew him on a first name basis), and no encounters with the giant bee (mercifully), the farmer arrived at the monastery and pounded on the door. The peephole opened immediately, and the eye looked out at him. The stare seemed very cold. The voice did not speak.
"Um," said the farmer. "I have returned with the golden cups."
"You're late," said the voice. There was definite anger there.
The farmer's heart sank. "By how long?"
"Five minutes," said the voice.
"Five minutes?" said the farmer, incredulous. "Well, I would have been back here much sooner, but there was this giant bee..."
"Did you hit it and make it go away?" asked the voice. There was a taunting tone there.
"No," said the farmer. "It stung me, and I was unconscious for...well, for a while."
"You have the cups?" The farmer pulled them out of his bag and showed them to the eye. The eye looked at the letters T-W-A-H, then the voice spoke again. "Very well. You will be deducted five points for tardiness. Return in one month for your written exam."
"Five points? Written exam? What?" asked the farmer, but the peephole had already closed.
After a month without incident (shockingly), the farmer returned to the monastery. The door opened, and he was admitted, though a hood was placed over his head. He was led through countless corridors, until he was forced into a chair.
"You may remove your hood," said the voice, and the farmer did so. He looked around to see a small, featureless room. There was a torch in the corner, but no window or other source of light. He was seated at a small wooden table. On the table was a large stack of papers and a quill. A peephole was open on the door, and the eye was looking at him. "You have five hours," said the voice. "Begin."
NEXT: The Test
After a perilous journey through hailstones the size of watermelons, thunderstorms with lightning striking trees all around him, obligatory attacks by roving bands of vagabonds (some of whom now knew him on a first name basis), and no encounters with the giant bee (mercifully), the farmer arrived at the monastery and pounded on the door. The peephole opened immediately, and the eye looked out at him. The stare seemed very cold. The voice did not speak.
"Um," said the farmer. "I have returned with the golden cups."
"You're late," said the voice. There was definite anger there.
The farmer's heart sank. "By how long?"
"Five minutes," said the voice.
"Five minutes?" said the farmer, incredulous. "Well, I would have been back here much sooner, but there was this giant bee..."
"Did you hit it and make it go away?" asked the voice. There was a taunting tone there.
"No," said the farmer. "It stung me, and I was unconscious for...well, for a while."
"You have the cups?" The farmer pulled them out of his bag and showed them to the eye. The eye looked at the letters T-W-A-H, then the voice spoke again. "Very well. You will be deducted five points for tardiness. Return in one month for your written exam."
"Five points? Written exam? What?" asked the farmer, but the peephole had already closed.
After a month without incident (shockingly), the farmer returned to the monastery. The door opened, and he was admitted, though a hood was placed over his head. He was led through countless corridors, until he was forced into a chair.
"You may remove your hood," said the voice, and the farmer did so. He looked around to see a small, featureless room. There was a torch in the corner, but no window or other source of light. He was seated at a small wooden table. On the table was a large stack of papers and a quill. A peephole was open on the door, and the eye was looking at him. "You have five hours," said the voice. "Begin."
NEXT: The Test
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The Secret of Twah, part IV
The story so far...the farmer, obsessed with the Secret of Twah, has undertaken the mystical Rite of Monkhood in order to become a monk. He stayed in a tree for one year, then began a quest to collect four golden cups. However, during his journey down the mountain, he was stung by the giant bee and passed out.
The farmer was aware that water was dripping on his face. He opened his eyes and was greeted by a world that was white and green at the same time. He sat up. Snow was melting off the blooming trees. It must be early spring. He had been unconscious for three whole seasons.
Sudden panic gripped him. Three quarters of his year must be gone! He had to hurry. He leapt to his feet and began running down the mountain. He was not attacked in that whole time, partly because the roving band of vagabonds he encountered either couldn't keep up or decided to give him a break this time.
When the farmer reached the village at the base of the mountain, he finally stopped to collect himself. The voice belonging to the eye had told him the cups were at the base of the mountain, but it did not say where. It definitely didn't say they were in the village. Why had he assumed that? It must have been because he was so excited about finally seeing his family. Where should he begin?
Logically, the cups would not be here. No one in the village knew anything about the monks or Twah. The farmer wouldn't even know who to ask. He had lived here for nine years, but hadn't been back in two. The cups must be hidden in some cave or something. He would have to hurry. Maybe he could get a horse.
The horse dealership was, unfortunately, closed for the weekend. The farmer resigned himself to a long run...he had no idea how far it was around the mountain, but he was sure it wasn't short. The only good thing was that he could just go straight up from wherever he found the cups, as the monastery was on top of the mountain.
As he ran down the streets, however, something caught his eye in a store window. He went back to look. Four golden cups gleamed through the glass. The cups were in a row, and each was engraved with a letter that read W-H-A-T.
"What?" wondered the farmer. "Is this what I'm looking for? Is this something a true monk would know?"
Then it hit him. Why didn't he know the Secret of Twah yet? Because he was not a monk. A true monk would know the Secret. The shopkeeper was not a monk, so he had arranged the letters into a word he knew.
W-H-A-T, unscrambled, spelled T-W-A-H.
The farmer raced into the shop and bought all four cups (for an outrageous price, he thought, but he didn't have time to haggle). He then began to climb the mountain, hoping against hope that he wasn't too late.
NEXT: The Final Task
The farmer was aware that water was dripping on his face. He opened his eyes and was greeted by a world that was white and green at the same time. He sat up. Snow was melting off the blooming trees. It must be early spring. He had been unconscious for three whole seasons.
Sudden panic gripped him. Three quarters of his year must be gone! He had to hurry. He leapt to his feet and began running down the mountain. He was not attacked in that whole time, partly because the roving band of vagabonds he encountered either couldn't keep up or decided to give him a break this time.
When the farmer reached the village at the base of the mountain, he finally stopped to collect himself. The voice belonging to the eye had told him the cups were at the base of the mountain, but it did not say where. It definitely didn't say they were in the village. Why had he assumed that? It must have been because he was so excited about finally seeing his family. Where should he begin?
Logically, the cups would not be here. No one in the village knew anything about the monks or Twah. The farmer wouldn't even know who to ask. He had lived here for nine years, but hadn't been back in two. The cups must be hidden in some cave or something. He would have to hurry. Maybe he could get a horse.
The horse dealership was, unfortunately, closed for the weekend. The farmer resigned himself to a long run...he had no idea how far it was around the mountain, but he was sure it wasn't short. The only good thing was that he could just go straight up from wherever he found the cups, as the monastery was on top of the mountain.
As he ran down the streets, however, something caught his eye in a store window. He went back to look. Four golden cups gleamed through the glass. The cups were in a row, and each was engraved with a letter that read W-H-A-T.
"What?" wondered the farmer. "Is this what I'm looking for? Is this something a true monk would know?"
Then it hit him. Why didn't he know the Secret of Twah yet? Because he was not a monk. A true monk would know the Secret. The shopkeeper was not a monk, so he had arranged the letters into a word he knew.
W-H-A-T, unscrambled, spelled T-W-A-H.
The farmer raced into the shop and bought all four cups (for an outrageous price, he thought, but he didn't have time to haggle). He then began to climb the mountain, hoping against hope that he wasn't too late.
NEXT: The Final Task
Thursday, March 27, 2008
The Secret of Twah, part III
The story so far...a farmer from the village at the base of the mountain has begun the Rite of Monkhood so he may learn the Secret of Twah. As we left him, he had just completed the first task, staying in a tree for one year.
The farmer arrived at the monastery and knocked on the door. The peephole opened, and the eye looked out at him. "Yes?" asked the voice.
"I have completed my year in the tree," said the farmer.
"Oh?" asked the voice. "Why were you in the tree?"
The farmer stared. "Because...you said it was part of the Rite of Monkhood?"
"And why do you want to become a monk?"
"Because I want to learn the Secret of Twah."
The eye looked at the farmer for a long time. Then, the voice asked, "And what did you learn from your time in the tree?"
The farmer had been thinking about this for a year, and replied, "Many things. I think the greatest lesson was that need and want are separate. You can do without the things you want, and the things you need will be provided to you."
The eye couldn't frown, as it was not a mouth. However, it definitely gave off the impression that it was frowning. Then, the voice asked, "And the giant bee? Did you learn anything about the giant bee?"
"Um..." said the farmer, confused. He had not expected his encounter with the giant bee to be that important. "Hit him and he goes away?"
The eye stared. "I guess that will do for now. You still have a long way to go before you are a monk. For your next task, you must go to the base of the mountain and recover four golden cups. You must be back here in exactly one year, or you will never become a monk."
"Four golden cups?" asked the farmer. "How will I know they are the ones you want?"
"A true monk would know," said the voice. The peephole shut, and the farmer set off down the mountain. His thoughts were elated with the time he had to search for the cups. Maybe if he found them quickly enough, he could go home and visit with his family. At the very least, he could find out how they were doing.
However, trouble befell him at almost every turn on his journey down. He had to battle a bear, a herd of llamas, several bands of roving vagabonds that may or may not have attacked him before, and the giant bee. His battle with the giant bee was less successful than before, and the bee stung him. The last thing the farmer thought before the world went black was, "I must know the Secret of Twah. I must survive. I must..."
NEXT: Time Running Out
The farmer arrived at the monastery and knocked on the door. The peephole opened, and the eye looked out at him. "Yes?" asked the voice.
"I have completed my year in the tree," said the farmer.
"Oh?" asked the voice. "Why were you in the tree?"
The farmer stared. "Because...you said it was part of the Rite of Monkhood?"
"And why do you want to become a monk?"
"Because I want to learn the Secret of Twah."
The eye looked at the farmer for a long time. Then, the voice asked, "And what did you learn from your time in the tree?"
The farmer had been thinking about this for a year, and replied, "Many things. I think the greatest lesson was that need and want are separate. You can do without the things you want, and the things you need will be provided to you."
The eye couldn't frown, as it was not a mouth. However, it definitely gave off the impression that it was frowning. Then, the voice asked, "And the giant bee? Did you learn anything about the giant bee?"
"Um..." said the farmer, confused. He had not expected his encounter with the giant bee to be that important. "Hit him and he goes away?"
The eye stared. "I guess that will do for now. You still have a long way to go before you are a monk. For your next task, you must go to the base of the mountain and recover four golden cups. You must be back here in exactly one year, or you will never become a monk."
"Four golden cups?" asked the farmer. "How will I know they are the ones you want?"
"A true monk would know," said the voice. The peephole shut, and the farmer set off down the mountain. His thoughts were elated with the time he had to search for the cups. Maybe if he found them quickly enough, he could go home and visit with his family. At the very least, he could find out how they were doing.
However, trouble befell him at almost every turn on his journey down. He had to battle a bear, a herd of llamas, several bands of roving vagabonds that may or may not have attacked him before, and the giant bee. His battle with the giant bee was less successful than before, and the bee stung him. The last thing the farmer thought before the world went black was, "I must know the Secret of Twah. I must survive. I must..."
NEXT: Time Running Out
The Secret of Twah, part II
The story so far...our hero, a farmer from the village at the base of the mountain, has journeyed to the top in order to discover the Secret of Twah. However, since he is not a monk, he cannot know. We join the farmer as he waits for his Rite of Monkhood.
One month passed. Since he could not return home and make it back to the monastery in time, the farmer used the opportunity to explore the area around the monastery. He found many wonders, including a cave that led underground to a large cavern where the natural rock formations had eroded into beautiful shapes over time. He found a field full of flowers that he had never seen before, and were so lovely they made him weep. He found a grove of trees that seemed taller than he though was possible, stretching until they seemed to scrape the sky.
For every wonder the farmer found, however, he found more trouble. The cave was inhabited by a ruthless swarm of tiny bats, and he had to flee into the light to escape their terrible stinging bites. In the field of flowers, he encountered a giant bee that tried to harpoon him, and managed to escape by hitting it between the eyes with a rock. In the forest grove, he encountered several roving bands of vagabonds, some of whom he thought had attacked him during his journey up the mountain, and all of whom attacked him this time too.
After the month had passed, the farmer returned to the monastery and knocked on the door. The peephole slid open, and the same eye peered out at him. "Yes?" said the voice.
"I'm here to complete the Rite of Monkhood," said the farmer.
The eye looked at him. "Why do you want to become a monk?"
"So I can learn the Secret of Twah."
The eye stared unblinkingly at the farmer, who didn't move. Finally, the voice said, "Very well. To the south is a grove of trees with trees that grow taller than anywhere else in the world."
"I've been there," replied the farmer.
"Good. In the center, there is a tree, even taller and wider than the others. You will know it because the entire base is covered in ivy. It is the only tree where this is so. Climb the tree, and remain among its branches for one full year. When you descend, come back here and tell me what you learned."
The peephole closed, and the farmer set off to the grove of trees. He found the ivy covered base, fought off the roving band of vagabonds that were camped there, and climbed the tree. Over the course of the next year, the farmer learned much. He learned that nature provided everything necessary for his survival. Fruit and leaves to eat from the tree, water to drink from the sky, air to breathe, and beauty to enjoy. However, nature also provided its own challenges. Packs of ravenous wolves would stand at the base and howl at him. Giant eagles would swoop down from the sky to try and pluck him from the tree. Mad squirrels would taunt him and flee from his grasp. The giant bee from the flower field tracked him down and the two did battle two hundred feet above the earth. The farmer managed to defeat the bee with a well aimed kick at the bee's stomach.
The autumn came, then the winter. Leaves and fruit were no longer available, but the farmer subsisted on a steady diet of bark and insects. The spring arrived, and the farmer rejoiced to be able to eat fruit once again. Finally, the summer arrived, and the year had passed. The farmer descended from the tree, and returned to the monastery.
NEXT: The Next Phase
One month passed. Since he could not return home and make it back to the monastery in time, the farmer used the opportunity to explore the area around the monastery. He found many wonders, including a cave that led underground to a large cavern where the natural rock formations had eroded into beautiful shapes over time. He found a field full of flowers that he had never seen before, and were so lovely they made him weep. He found a grove of trees that seemed taller than he though was possible, stretching until they seemed to scrape the sky.
For every wonder the farmer found, however, he found more trouble. The cave was inhabited by a ruthless swarm of tiny bats, and he had to flee into the light to escape their terrible stinging bites. In the field of flowers, he encountered a giant bee that tried to harpoon him, and managed to escape by hitting it between the eyes with a rock. In the forest grove, he encountered several roving bands of vagabonds, some of whom he thought had attacked him during his journey up the mountain, and all of whom attacked him this time too.
After the month had passed, the farmer returned to the monastery and knocked on the door. The peephole slid open, and the same eye peered out at him. "Yes?" said the voice.
"I'm here to complete the Rite of Monkhood," said the farmer.
The eye looked at him. "Why do you want to become a monk?"
"So I can learn the Secret of Twah."
The eye stared unblinkingly at the farmer, who didn't move. Finally, the voice said, "Very well. To the south is a grove of trees with trees that grow taller than anywhere else in the world."
"I've been there," replied the farmer.
"Good. In the center, there is a tree, even taller and wider than the others. You will know it because the entire base is covered in ivy. It is the only tree where this is so. Climb the tree, and remain among its branches for one full year. When you descend, come back here and tell me what you learned."
The peephole closed, and the farmer set off to the grove of trees. He found the ivy covered base, fought off the roving band of vagabonds that were camped there, and climbed the tree. Over the course of the next year, the farmer learned much. He learned that nature provided everything necessary for his survival. Fruit and leaves to eat from the tree, water to drink from the sky, air to breathe, and beauty to enjoy. However, nature also provided its own challenges. Packs of ravenous wolves would stand at the base and howl at him. Giant eagles would swoop down from the sky to try and pluck him from the tree. Mad squirrels would taunt him and flee from his grasp. The giant bee from the flower field tracked him down and the two did battle two hundred feet above the earth. The farmer managed to defeat the bee with a well aimed kick at the bee's stomach.
The autumn came, then the winter. Leaves and fruit were no longer available, but the farmer subsisted on a steady diet of bark and insects. The spring arrived, and the farmer rejoiced to be able to eat fruit once again. Finally, the summer arrived, and the year had passed. The farmer descended from the tree, and returned to the monastery.
NEXT: The Next Phase
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The Secret of Twah, part I
This is not a completely original story by me, just an adaptation of an old joke I was told as a youth. It's long, and the ending may be upsetting to some, but here is my interpratation, which is much shorter than the original. Don't say I didn't warn you. And be glad I didn't decide to retell the Fluffy Dog Joke.
THE SECRET OF TWAH
Once upon a time, in a far off land, lived a farmer. He was not native to the area, but had moved there when he married his wife nine years previously. The couple had two lovely children, and lived in the farmhouse at the base of the mountain.
One day, as the farmer worked in the fields, he heard a booming voice from the top of the mountain. The voice said a single word:
"TWAH."
The farmer stopped and listened, but heard nothing else. Bewildered he asked his wife about it.
"Oh yes," she replied. "That's just Twah. It happens every ten years. No one really knows anything about it, except for the monks."
"Monks?" the farmer asked.
"Yes," said his wife. "There's a monastery up at the top of the mountain. They are the sacred keepers of the Secret of Twah. If you want to know more about it, you'll have to ask them, because that's all anyone else knows."
Over the next few weeks, the farmer became obsessed with the Secret of Twah. Finally, he determined to discover the meaning of the mysterious word by going to the top of the mountain and asking the monks in person. He kissed his family and set off on the perilous journey.
It took him three months to reach the top of the mountain. In that time, he was attacked by six cougars, three giant eagles, a pack of ravenous wolves, several bands of roving vagabonds (he lost count because some of them attacked him multiple times), and an ill-tempered ferret. Finally, he reached the monastery at the top of the mountain and knocked.
A peephole opened, and a single green eye peered out at him. "Yes?" a voice, presumably belonging to the eye, asked.
"I've traveled from the village at the base of the mountain, and endurd much suffering along the way," the farmer replied. "I have come all this way because I want to learn the Secret of Twah."
The eye regarded him for a while, then the voice said, "I can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The peephole shut. The farmer stood and stared for a moment, then banged on the door again. The peephole opened, and the eye looked out at him again. "Yes?" the voice said.
"I have to know the Secret of Twah," the farmer said. "I have left everything behind. I must know!"
The eye looked at him. "Then you have to become a monk."
"Fine," said the farmer. "How do I become a monk?"
"We must prepare the Rite of Monkhood," said the voice. "Come back in one month."
NEXT: The Rite Begins
THE SECRET OF TWAH
Once upon a time, in a far off land, lived a farmer. He was not native to the area, but had moved there when he married his wife nine years previously. The couple had two lovely children, and lived in the farmhouse at the base of the mountain.
One day, as the farmer worked in the fields, he heard a booming voice from the top of the mountain. The voice said a single word:
"TWAH."
The farmer stopped and listened, but heard nothing else. Bewildered he asked his wife about it.
"Oh yes," she replied. "That's just Twah. It happens every ten years. No one really knows anything about it, except for the monks."
"Monks?" the farmer asked.
"Yes," said his wife. "There's a monastery up at the top of the mountain. They are the sacred keepers of the Secret of Twah. If you want to know more about it, you'll have to ask them, because that's all anyone else knows."
Over the next few weeks, the farmer became obsessed with the Secret of Twah. Finally, he determined to discover the meaning of the mysterious word by going to the top of the mountain and asking the monks in person. He kissed his family and set off on the perilous journey.
It took him three months to reach the top of the mountain. In that time, he was attacked by six cougars, three giant eagles, a pack of ravenous wolves, several bands of roving vagabonds (he lost count because some of them attacked him multiple times), and an ill-tempered ferret. Finally, he reached the monastery at the top of the mountain and knocked.
A peephole opened, and a single green eye peered out at him. "Yes?" a voice, presumably belonging to the eye, asked.
"I've traveled from the village at the base of the mountain, and endurd much suffering along the way," the farmer replied. "I have come all this way because I want to learn the Secret of Twah."
The eye regarded him for a while, then the voice said, "I can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The peephole shut. The farmer stood and stared for a moment, then banged on the door again. The peephole opened, and the eye looked out at him again. "Yes?" the voice said.
"I have to know the Secret of Twah," the farmer said. "I have left everything behind. I must know!"
The eye looked at him. "Then you have to become a monk."
"Fine," said the farmer. "How do I become a monk?"
"We must prepare the Rite of Monkhood," said the voice. "Come back in one month."
NEXT: The Rite Begins
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