Ambushed, part III

In the week before Phil's next appearance on Ambush!, the producers started running commericals announcing "the return of an old favorite", complete with a flash of Phil's face looking utterly bewildered. Phil didn't see the ads right away, but heard all about them at work. He considered going into hiding again, but decided it would be too transparent.

On the day before the episode was scheduled to run, Phil accidentally overslept. For some reason, his alarm didn't go off in the night. He called in to say that he was running a little behind, and his boss said it was fine.

Before Phil could start his day, he had to have his coffee and read the newspaper. It was his routine, and he wasn't going to change it just because he was running behind. So, he trudged out his driveway to where the paper lay. He didn't notice the van parked across the street.

Phil picked up his paper, stood and turned around, to find two people blocking his way. An immaculately primped woman holding a microphone, and a shabby man holding a camera.

The woman began speaking rapidly to the camera. "This is Penelope Chatter-Bachs, and I have with me Mr. Phil Dundermann, a man who has been thoroughly humiliated by the hit television show 'Ambush!' several times now. Thank you for agreeing to speak with us, Mr. Dundermann."

"What?" said Phil.

"Of course, we have followed your trials and tribulations very closely," said Chatter-Bachs, "and I must say that it is totally reprehensible the way Ambush! has treated you."

"YES!" exploded Phil. "Why do I have to get picked on? It makes no sense!"

"Absolutely!" said Chatter-Bachs. "We thought we'd give our viewers a detailed look at the real Phil Dundermann, man of passion, grace, and humility."

"Well, I don't know..." mumbled Phil. "I'm actually late for work."

"This won't take five minutes," said Chatter-Bachs. "So, this is your house?"

"Yes," said Phil. "I've lived here for five years..."

"Let's take a look!" said Chatter-Bachs, and she and the cameraman charged towards his front door, which was standing wide open. Phil watched them, then rushed after them, not liking this at all.

"Well, I must say," Chatter-Bachs was saying as Phil rushed in the door. "This is not at all what I expected."

They were standing in front of the living room. Phil looked in, and had to stifle a scream. The whole living room was pink. Lacy curtains adorned the windows, and pictures of kittens and puppies covered the walls that were now layered with bright pink flowery wallpaper. The sofa and easy chair now had fluffy pink pillows on them, and the coffee table was festooned with pictures of Martha Stewart.

"And what do we have here?" asked Chatter-Bachs, already in the kitchen with the cameraman. Phil rushed after them to find that the kitchen was completely trashed. Food, dirty dishes, and trash were everywhere. Phil was shocked...he always strove to be as neat as possible. How had this happened?

"Oh, and is that your dog?" asked Chatter-Bachs. Phil looked to see Floyd, his rottweiller, sitting mournfully in the back yard wearing a tutu and a tiara.

It had taken him this long, being early morning and all, but Phil finally put two and two together. He hung his head, and turned to face the camera. He almost mouthed the words along with Penelope Chatter-Bachs.

"Surprise!" she said. "You've been Ambushed!"
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Phil watched the whole thing, along with the confetti and aftermath on a special episode of Celeb Mania!, the tabloid show that aired right before Ambush! Penelope Chatter-Bachs was a real correspondant, and the show featured her exclusive story and interview with Harvey Rossel. Rossel was the man behind Ambush!, and had even played the manager in their first prank on Phil. The purpose of the interview was to tease the show, but Rossel explained a few things for the audience. They had gotten the keys to Phil's house in the parking garage prank, and had turned off his alarm so he would sleep in. They had, of course, cleared it with his boss first. Wouldn't want to get the poor guy fired. They had silently redecorated in the night, and had taken pictures to record their movements, which would be shown on Ambush! that evening. Phil was a good sport, Harvey said, and he didn't mind. This, Phil thought, was a lie, but he decided he shouldn't have pretended to be such a good sport the first time.

To close out the interview, before Ambush! showed Phil's latest humiliation, Rossel made a statement that made Phil's stomach do flip flops.

"I think it's safe to say that we haven't seen the last of Mr. Dundermann," Rossel said. "I think the best is yet to come."

NEXT: That Depends On Your Definition Of "The Best"