Once Upon A Time, part II

The Does entered the house, and looked around. They had been expecting a haunted lair, with bats, cobwebs, ghosts, bubbling concoctions, and absolutely no light. What greeted their eyes was a well-lit, well-kept interior, with plush carpeting, fluffy pillows on the loveseat, and the entire living room done in pink. The only bubbling concoction was a tea kettle on the stove, whistling.

The witch began bustling around. “I don’t have visitors very often,” she said with a grin. “I just put some tea on, would you like some?” The Does shook their heads. Who knew what a witch’s definition of tea was? The witch didn’t seem to mind, as she directed them to the loveseat and invited them to sit while she looked up the remedy for Petey’s...condition.

The witch put some light jazz on the stereo and plopped down in a recliner. She began to flip through a big, evil looking book with very large and old pages. The Does sat uncomfortably for a few minutes as she searched, muttering to herself all the while.

Finally, she exclaimed “Aha!” and pointed to a page. “Here we go,” she said excitedly. “’Should you mistakenly say poodle instead of dachshund in the cabbage spell, and actually want to reverse it, you will need to immediately fix the following potion:

1. First. add each of the following ingredients (in no particular order) to a standard size cauldron filled to 3/4 of its capacity with boiling water:
10 oz eye of newt
3 toenail clippings of a unicorn
2 inches of dragon scalp hair
1 rhinoceros horn
2 cups of flour
3 eggs (shells and all)
1 mermaid scale
1 live squid

2. Once all of the above ingredients have been added, stir well for exactly fifteen minutes. Any more or less is highly dangerous and will void any guarantees made by the Witch’s Association of America as to the merit of this mixture.

3. At the exact fifteen minute mark, add one article of the victim’s clothing. TIP: It is probably best to have a partner to add this final ingredient to make sure the timing is right.

4. Finally, repeat the cabbage incantation backwards. The victim will be restored to the mortal realm, none the worse for the wear and completely unaware of what has just happened.’”

The witch stopped reading and smiled at the Does. “Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it?” She glanced back at the book and read the final paragraph.

“WARNING: This potion must be completed within forty-eight hours of the spell’s original incantation. Failure to do so, or failure to complete the potion properly will result in the return of the victim as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction. And he/she will most likely succeed. So don’t screw up.”

There was a deafening silence as the witch stopped reading. Seconds ticked by. The witch finally looked up and smiled feebly at the horrified Does. “Well,” she said, attempting to sound optimistic and failing miserably. “I suppose we should get started.”

That’s when Jane started screaming. She couldn’t take it anymore. Her baby was going to turn into a gargoyle and destroy the world, and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it. John wrapped his arms around his terrified wife and glared at the witch. “Well?” he demanded. “Where do you keep those ingredients?”

The witch avoided his eyes. “Umm...,” she mumbled. “I don’t...exactly...HAVE... all the of them.”
John looked upset. “OK...what do you have?”

The witch suddenly became very interested with a loose thread on her cloak. She mumbled something that John couldn’t quite make out. “What?” he barked.

The witch sighed. Still avoiding his eyes, she clearly stated, “Eggs and flour.”

Jane stopped screaming at this point and stared at the witch in disbelief. “You’re a witch!” John sputtered. “And you don’t have ANY of that stuff?!?”

“Well, it’s not very common, is it?” the witch snapped irritably. “Sorry if I wasn’t planning on bringing anybody back from purgatory today. Anyway, most of it’ll be easy enough to get. Eye of newt is sold at every single Which Witch store on the planet. For the rhino horn, all we have to do is go to the zoo and collect one. Live squid can be found at the aquarium...or maybe the ocean, when we pick up the mermaid scale. That should be easy. Very pleasant, Mers, unless you catch them in one of their moods, then they’ll try to lure you to a watery grave. We should take a gift for them as well...” She trailed off.

“And the rest?” Jack pressed as Jane began sobbing into his shoulder.

“Welllll...” the witch said slowly. “Unicorns don’t clip their toenails. We have to find one and clip it for him. Means I should pick up some unicorn toenail clippers at Which Witch. And they’re not easy to catch. I guess I should get some snodgrass as well. They like to eat that stuff.”

“Snodgrass?” Jane sniffled.

The witch nodded, preoccupied. “And no one’s ever been able to get close enough to a dragon to cut off its hair and mass produce it, so we’ll have to get some of that from the source as well. Nasty creatures, dragons.”

John and Jane didn’t know what to say. They just sat there with their mouths open, hardly daring to believe what they had just heard. Dragon hair? Unicorn toenails? Mermaid scales? But weren’t those animals...make believe?

The witch, however, looked more optimistic. “OK, that’s the plan. We need to get going...we’ve already wasted twenty minutes.”

“Wait a second!” exclaimed John. “What do you mean, WE?”

The witch looked angry. “Look here, buster,” she snarled. “I made a mistake. I admit it. I apologize. But I’m trying to make up for it. Dragons, unicorns and mermaids are not to be trifled with. One person has no chance, even if she knows what’s she’s doing. Three people have an excellent chance, even if two of them haven’t a clue. If you don’t want to help, fine. We’ll just see how you feel when your baby comes back as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction. I don’t have to help you. I’m a witch. Nobody likes a witch anyway, so I have nothing to lose.”

“Except your life when Petey comes back as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction,” muttered John as Jane burst into fresh torrents of sobbing.

“Exactly,” said the witch. “So, are you in, or shall we just sit on the porch and wait for the apocalypse?”

It was a pretty convincing argument. Within five minutes, they had clambered onto the witch’s broomstick (better gas mileage and the convenience of flying rather than sitting around in traffic all afternoon) and were off to Which Witch.

NEXT: Collecting Materials