Once Upon A Time, part I

Once upon a time, there lived a husband and wife, henceforth to be referred to as John and Jane Doe (and no, I’m not trying to protect anyone’s identities - those were actually their names. You should have seen some of the strange looks they got when they tried to check into motels). They, along with their one year old son Petey, lived a nearly perfect life in a nearly perfect cottage in a nearly perfect neighborhood.

What wasn’t so perfect about it was the witch who lived next door.

It’s not that she was a bad witch. In fact, she was a very nice witch, with the standard green skin and warts on her nose that came with the territory. And yet, because she was a witch, people hated her and feared her. They hid when they saw her coming down the street and hissed obscenities at her when she passed. This hurt her, because, after all, witches have feelings too. It was all because they were afraid she would eat their children. Nonsense! She didn’t even like children! Oh, maybe one or two when she was out with the coven, but she knew her limits and always let somebody else fly the broomstick afterwards.

All this unfounded hatred had turned her into a very sour witch. It didn’t matter how nice she tried to be to people, they would never reciprocate. So, she stopped trying.

One day, she was rocking on her porch, feeling miserable, when the Doe family walked by, with Petey in a carriage.

“Hello,” the witch called feebly. “Nice day, isn’t it?”

John and Jane looked up in horror. They had purposefully been trying to avoid eye contact with the witch so she would maybe not notice their presence. But she had. And so, they quickened their pace, trying to get away.

Exasperated, the witch began muttering to herself. She didn’t realize what she had done until she finished.

“Bibbity bobbity boo...chicken noodle stew
Poodles love their underwear and little children too
Monkey brains and choo choo trains and toads and frogs and newts
Panda bears and moving stairs and double breasted suits.”

And, with a puff of smoke, Petey was gone. Disappeared.

Horrified, John turned to the witch. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH OUR SON?!?!?”

The witch looked mystified. “I...I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I didn’t mean to...I mean...he’s gone? How...that was the cabbage spell...”

“The CABBAGE spell?” demanded Jane.

“Yes,” the witch replied. “Just turns the victim into a cabbage for five minutes. No lasting effects, and fully reversible. Must have done something wrong...maybe it was the poodle that did it...” She started muttering to herself and disappeared inside her house.

John and Jane stood helplessly at her gate for four minutes before she emerged, smiling. “Yep, it was the poodle,” she chuckled. “Silly me, I was supposed to say ‘dachshund’. I can never remember that. Very lucky however that I didn’t say ‘schnauzer’.”

“Why is that?” Jane asked.

“Well, besides the fact that it would have killed him,” the witch explained, “he would have come back as a zombie. Very friendly folk, zombies, except that they have this unnatural obsession with the consumption of human brains.”

“Yeah,” grumbled John. “I guess that would be bad. But where is Petey now?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much,” the witch replied cheerily. “He’s in purgatory somewhere, waiting to be called back by a special potion. The recipe’s right here in the book. Won’t you come in while I look it up?”

NEXT: The Plan