When they arrived back at the house, the witch was feeling a bit stressed. She knew they had only thirty minutes to go before Petey came back as a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction, and the recipe had specifically called for the potion to be stirred for fifteen minutes, no more or less. They were cutting it kind of close.
The Does seemed to be at ease. John had slept for most of the trip, but he and Jane were talking quietly now. Somehow, she got the feeling they thought it was over. They didn’t understand. One mistake, and Petey...and the world...was doomed.
As she pulled into the broomport, she mentally reviewed what had to be done. Go to the kitchen, fill the cauldron, boil the water (easily accomplished through magic), grab the eggs and flour, dump all the ingredients in, and start stirring. Meanwhile, one of the Does could grab a piece of Petey’s clothing and be ready. They would just make it.
Seventeen minutes later...
To the surprise of the Does, the mermaid scale was a weighing device that the witch used to measure out the eye of newt, then dropped into the cauldron with the other ingredients. Other than that, everything else was expected. All was in readiness. There was a minute to go. All that had to be done was to add the sock (all Jane was willing to give up...she couldn’t find the other one), and repeat the incantation. They were going to make it.
At the exact fifteen minute mark, Jane threw in the sock. The witch started to mutter:
“Suits breasted double and stairs moving and bears panda
Newts and frogs and toads and trains choo choo and brains monkey
Too children little and underwear their love poodles
Stew noodle chicken...boo bobbity bibbity.”
The cauldron started to smoke. The room went dark. An eerie silence engulfed the room.
The witch frowned. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen, was it?
Jane poked her. “Uh...were you supposed to say poodle or dachshund?”
The witch froze. “Oh...no...”
The cauldron erupted. The Does and the witch were thrown backwards into the wall. When the dust settled, there was Petey. Only, it wasn’t the Petey they knew and loved. It was Petey, the hideous bloodthristy gargoyle bent on world destruction. And was he ever hideous. His now eight foot tall body was covered in black fur, with giant bat wings protruding from his back. From his mouth emerged giant twelve inch fangs. His eyes gleamed an evil red, and he seemed to have put on four hundred pounds since last they saw each other. He surveyed the trio with hunger, and began to advance, licking his lips.
The witch had no idea what to do. She had never been this frightened in her life. Beside her, she could feel John trembling at the sight of his son, no longer the cute little child he had once carried in his arms, and never to be again. She couldn’t see Jane, and assumed she had passed out again. Oh well. This was it. Being unconscious for it was probably better.
But then, the witch heard a voice. It wasn’t her own, and it wasn’t John, and it wasn’t Petey. It was Jane. She said a single word.
“Petey.”
The gargoyle stopped. It looked at its mother, then gurgled happily and reached out to be held.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Petey did not destroy the world. This, you probably guessed, because you’re still reading the story, and not the victim of a hideous, bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction. In fact, he grew up as a normal kid, went to school, got a football scholarship, and had a Hall of Fame career as a middle linebacker. He would always be a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle, but at least he wasn’t bent on world destruction anymore.
The Does retired on his salary. They found that raising a gargoyle wasn’t that different from raising a human. The only real difference was that he started shaving a week later.
The witch went on a very successful lecture tour following her experiences. People came from miles around to hear her account of the whole affair. Particularly interesting was how to escape a charging dragon. Unfortunately, that part also resulted in several thrill seekers heading for Honalee to try their luck. We don’t know how that worked out. They never came back.
In the end, however, everyone in this story lived happily ever after...except for the rhinoceros. I mean, how much work can a no-horned rhino get anyway?
THE END
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part VI
As the sun was rising over the land of Honalee, a single broomstick could be seen by any waking eyes flying into a cave overlooking the bay. But no one was awake. All the dragons were asleep, exhausted from their night’s hunt, and no one else would dare enter Honalee for any reason.
Jane had just given up and gone to sleep. After John had explained dragons to her, she just couldn’t take it anymore. “Wake me if we survive,” she had said mournfully, and passed out.
The witch was a bit more optimistic. They had arrived at the perfect time, she explained. Dragons typically flew out of Honalee to nearby villages to wreak havoc. They had two major times to do so: all night long, and around lunch time. They had just returned, and were resting up for the lunch run. They could go cut the hairs from one of the sleeping animals and be on their way, hopefully before the dragons woke up.
“I’m going to need you to fly again,” the witch told John. “I’ll be staying on the broom, just get me close enough to snip the hairs. But, if I say go, you GO. Don’t hang around. Leave Honalee IMMEDIATELY. Even if we haven’t got the hair yet. Understand?”
“But what about Petey?” John asked. “If we don’t have the hair, won’t he turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction?”
“We’ll figure something out,” the witch muttered. “But if we stick around, he’ll still turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction, because we’ll be dead and not able to stop him at all, by ANY means.”
John swallowed hard. He nodded, and said nothing.
At last, the witch proclaimed herself ready. John got onto the broom, and the witch helped the still unconscious Jane on behind him. After situating herself, Jack lifted the broom off the ground and into the morning light.
They flew around for a few minutes before the witch pointed out a dragon that looked good. John was hesitant. “Shouldn’t we pick a small one?”
“That IS a small one,” the witch hissed.
It was the biggest living creature John had ever seen in his life, and he had once seen a blue whale. This dragon was easily twice that size. Jets of flame came out of its nostrils everytime it exhaled, and it was obviously asleep. Eyes closed, it was snoring loudly. His enormous belly rose and fell with every breath, and John felt sure that they would soon be inside it.
On top of the dragon’s head was a mane of hair. John looked at the witch, who pointed at it. He nodded and swooped closer.
He had gotten very good at hovering and was mere inches away from the dragon’s head as the witch leaned over to snip some of the hair away. The dragon took no notice, just kept on sleeping. It was almost perfect.
But just as the witch was straightening up, Jane awoke. She saw the dragon, and did what any normal human being would do upon seeing a fire-breathing monster.
She screamed.
“GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” screamed the witch, and John didn’t need to be told twice. The dragon was awake, and looking around. John squeezed the broom handle, and they took off. He heard a massive roar, and glanced behind him just in time to see the dragon lifting off from the ground and flying after them.
“DON’T LOOK, FLY!” the witch screamed. John’s head snapped forward. He could feel the dragon coming closer. “LEFT!” came the command from the back, and as he turned sharply, he could feel the mighty wind as the dragon went past them. It roared furiously, and John knew it was banking, coming at them again.
The witch continued to scream directions, and John followed them exactly. They were veering closer and closer to the borders of Honalee. Could dragons leave the country? John didn’t know, and had no time to ask.
“DIVE!” the witch commanded, and John did, but he was certain the dragon could catch them going down as well. Maybe they were trying to exhaust him. John already felt exhausted.
The ground was rushing closer and closer, and John could feel the dragon’s hot breath behind them. He was waiting for further instructions, but it dawned on him - the dragon was having trouble changing course in midair. They had to crash him! He waited until the last possible second, and pulled up.
The dragon screamed in agony as it flew headfirst into the ground. John flew safely out of its range, landed the broom, and promptly fainted.
--------------------------------------------------------
When he awoke, the broom was airborne again, and the witch was flying. Jane was holding on to him, keeping him from falling. She smiled grimly at him. “Did we get it?” he asked. She nodded.
“Sorry we couldn’t wait on you to wake up,” the witch said, “but we now only have two hours to get back and make the potion.”
“I understand,” John said, and went back to sleep.
NEXT: The Potion
Jane had just given up and gone to sleep. After John had explained dragons to her, she just couldn’t take it anymore. “Wake me if we survive,” she had said mournfully, and passed out.
The witch was a bit more optimistic. They had arrived at the perfect time, she explained. Dragons typically flew out of Honalee to nearby villages to wreak havoc. They had two major times to do so: all night long, and around lunch time. They had just returned, and were resting up for the lunch run. They could go cut the hairs from one of the sleeping animals and be on their way, hopefully before the dragons woke up.
“I’m going to need you to fly again,” the witch told John. “I’ll be staying on the broom, just get me close enough to snip the hairs. But, if I say go, you GO. Don’t hang around. Leave Honalee IMMEDIATELY. Even if we haven’t got the hair yet. Understand?”
“But what about Petey?” John asked. “If we don’t have the hair, won’t he turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction?”
“We’ll figure something out,” the witch muttered. “But if we stick around, he’ll still turn into a hideous bloodthirsty gargoyle bent on world destruction, because we’ll be dead and not able to stop him at all, by ANY means.”
John swallowed hard. He nodded, and said nothing.
At last, the witch proclaimed herself ready. John got onto the broom, and the witch helped the still unconscious Jane on behind him. After situating herself, Jack lifted the broom off the ground and into the morning light.
They flew around for a few minutes before the witch pointed out a dragon that looked good. John was hesitant. “Shouldn’t we pick a small one?”
“That IS a small one,” the witch hissed.
It was the biggest living creature John had ever seen in his life, and he had once seen a blue whale. This dragon was easily twice that size. Jets of flame came out of its nostrils everytime it exhaled, and it was obviously asleep. Eyes closed, it was snoring loudly. His enormous belly rose and fell with every breath, and John felt sure that they would soon be inside it.
On top of the dragon’s head was a mane of hair. John looked at the witch, who pointed at it. He nodded and swooped closer.
He had gotten very good at hovering and was mere inches away from the dragon’s head as the witch leaned over to snip some of the hair away. The dragon took no notice, just kept on sleeping. It was almost perfect.
But just as the witch was straightening up, Jane awoke. She saw the dragon, and did what any normal human being would do upon seeing a fire-breathing monster.
She screamed.
“GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” screamed the witch, and John didn’t need to be told twice. The dragon was awake, and looking around. John squeezed the broom handle, and they took off. He heard a massive roar, and glanced behind him just in time to see the dragon lifting off from the ground and flying after them.
“DON’T LOOK, FLY!” the witch screamed. John’s head snapped forward. He could feel the dragon coming closer. “LEFT!” came the command from the back, and as he turned sharply, he could feel the mighty wind as the dragon went past them. It roared furiously, and John knew it was banking, coming at them again.
The witch continued to scream directions, and John followed them exactly. They were veering closer and closer to the borders of Honalee. Could dragons leave the country? John didn’t know, and had no time to ask.
“DIVE!” the witch commanded, and John did, but he was certain the dragon could catch them going down as well. Maybe they were trying to exhaust him. John already felt exhausted.
The ground was rushing closer and closer, and John could feel the dragon’s hot breath behind them. He was waiting for further instructions, but it dawned on him - the dragon was having trouble changing course in midair. They had to crash him! He waited until the last possible second, and pulled up.
The dragon screamed in agony as it flew headfirst into the ground. John flew safely out of its range, landed the broom, and promptly fainted.
--------------------------------------------------------
When he awoke, the broom was airborne again, and the witch was flying. Jane was holding on to him, keeping him from falling. She smiled grimly at him. “Did we get it?” he asked. She nodded.
“Sorry we couldn’t wait on you to wake up,” the witch said, “but we now only have two hours to get back and make the potion.”
“I understand,” John said, and went back to sleep.
NEXT: The Potion
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part V
The witch was fairly indecisive on which task to accomplish next. The unicorns were further away, but the dragons were nastier. In the end, she decided to catch the dragons on the way back and hope it was naptime.
It was almost night when the trio reached the unicorn homeland. Since unicorns are nocturnal creatures, the witch thought they would have the best chance of catching one in the evening, while they grazed. She had no idea where they slept, but was pretty sure her broomstick could outrun one.
They searched for thirty minutes before they found a lone unicorn, nibbling grass in the moonlight. The witch sighed. “Good, he’s already eating. We won’t have to use the snodgrass.” She turned to John and whispered, “You’ll have to drive.”
“What?!?” John whispered back. “Me? I don’t know how to fly one of these things!”
“It’s easy,” the witch muttered. “Lean right for right, lean left for left, and try not to fall off.”
“What are you going to do?” Jane asked, with a quiver in her voice. John wasn’t a good driver to begin with.
“I’ve got to lasso him, tie him up, cut the toenails, and get back on the broom before he gets free,” the witch replied. “You’ve never seen anything like an angry unicorn, believe you me. Makes that rhino attack look like a pillow fight. You’re going to have to hand me the clippers when I ask for them, Jane.”
Jane didn’t speak. She had turned a pale white.
They were hovering two hundred feet over the unicorn. “When I say go,” the witch instructed, “dive. When I say pull up, pull back on the broom handle as hard as you can. It will flatten itself out, don’t worry. Follow the unicorn, and slow down once the rope is on it.”
“Where are the brakes on this thing?” John wanted to know.
“Just loosen your grip. Everything will be fine.” She waited a few more seconds. “All right. On three. One...two...three! GO!”
John pushed down on the broom handle, and the broom went into a dive. They were heading towards the earth at a startling speed. Jane started to scream behind him. The unicorn looked up suddenly, saw them, and took off. He seemed to be flying, he was moving so fast.
“NOW!” the witch cried. “PULL UP! PULL UP! PULLUPPULLUPPULLUP!”
John did. Immediately, the broom flattened out and they were racing along the ground at a frighteningly quick pace. But, they were catching up to the unicorn.
“Left!” screamed the witch. “More! Now right! More! More...there! Straight! A little to the left!”
“OK, OK,” muttered John. “Stop being a backbroom driver.”
They were almost upon the unicorn now. The witch started twirling her lasso and let go. On the first shot, it went right around the unicorn’s neck. Jack loosened his grip and the broom immediately slowed to a virtual halt. The witch yanked the unicorn off its feet and leapt from the broom. She charged the struggling body and flung the rope around the rest of him, and immobilized him. “CLIPPERS!” she called.
Still white as a sheet, Jane ran forward with the clippers. She then darted back to the broom and grabbed hold of John, almost cutting off his air.
The witch carefully cut three toenails from the unicorn as it struggled to free itself. Once done, she bolted for the broom. “GET READY!” she screamed as the unicorn finally burst through its bonds and charged. She hopped on the broom, and John squeezed the handle. The broom shot away, leaving a very angry unicorn in the dust.
They stopped about five miles away for a rest. The witch was sweating profusely, but grinning broadly. “Now, you see why we needed more than one person,” she chuckled.
John was on an adrenaline high he had never felt in his life. He couldn’t believe the rush from flying that broomstick. It was like nothing he had ever experienced.
Jane had passed out soon after they outran the unicorn.
So John and the witch sat there, breathing heavily and grinning at each other, not saying a word, for about fifteen minutes. Finally, the witch said, “We need to get moving if we’re going to get to Honalee by sunrise.”
“Is that where we’re going?” John asked in surprise.
“Yep,” the witch answered. “Only known dragon habitat left on earth.”
“We going to go see Puff?” John asked with a smile.
The witch shook her head grimly. “Do you know how many stupid people have been killed in Honalee because of that stupid song?” she asked. “More than I’d care to count. They all hear the song, and say, ‘Ooo, a nice dragon in Honalee! Let’s go see if it’ll be MY friend!’ Dragons are not nice. Dragons are mean, vicious animals that will barbecue you from a mile away, IF they’re feeling generous. If not...I don’t even want to talk about it.”
John was flabbergasted. He had been making a joke.
NEXT: Honalee
It was almost night when the trio reached the unicorn homeland. Since unicorns are nocturnal creatures, the witch thought they would have the best chance of catching one in the evening, while they grazed. She had no idea where they slept, but was pretty sure her broomstick could outrun one.
They searched for thirty minutes before they found a lone unicorn, nibbling grass in the moonlight. The witch sighed. “Good, he’s already eating. We won’t have to use the snodgrass.” She turned to John and whispered, “You’ll have to drive.”
“What?!?” John whispered back. “Me? I don’t know how to fly one of these things!”
“It’s easy,” the witch muttered. “Lean right for right, lean left for left, and try not to fall off.”
“What are you going to do?” Jane asked, with a quiver in her voice. John wasn’t a good driver to begin with.
“I’ve got to lasso him, tie him up, cut the toenails, and get back on the broom before he gets free,” the witch replied. “You’ve never seen anything like an angry unicorn, believe you me. Makes that rhino attack look like a pillow fight. You’re going to have to hand me the clippers when I ask for them, Jane.”
Jane didn’t speak. She had turned a pale white.
They were hovering two hundred feet over the unicorn. “When I say go,” the witch instructed, “dive. When I say pull up, pull back on the broom handle as hard as you can. It will flatten itself out, don’t worry. Follow the unicorn, and slow down once the rope is on it.”
“Where are the brakes on this thing?” John wanted to know.
“Just loosen your grip. Everything will be fine.” She waited a few more seconds. “All right. On three. One...two...three! GO!”
John pushed down on the broom handle, and the broom went into a dive. They were heading towards the earth at a startling speed. Jane started to scream behind him. The unicorn looked up suddenly, saw them, and took off. He seemed to be flying, he was moving so fast.
“NOW!” the witch cried. “PULL UP! PULL UP! PULLUPPULLUPPULLUP!”
John did. Immediately, the broom flattened out and they were racing along the ground at a frighteningly quick pace. But, they were catching up to the unicorn.
“Left!” screamed the witch. “More! Now right! More! More...there! Straight! A little to the left!”
“OK, OK,” muttered John. “Stop being a backbroom driver.”
They were almost upon the unicorn now. The witch started twirling her lasso and let go. On the first shot, it went right around the unicorn’s neck. Jack loosened his grip and the broom immediately slowed to a virtual halt. The witch yanked the unicorn off its feet and leapt from the broom. She charged the struggling body and flung the rope around the rest of him, and immobilized him. “CLIPPERS!” she called.
Still white as a sheet, Jane ran forward with the clippers. She then darted back to the broom and grabbed hold of John, almost cutting off his air.
The witch carefully cut three toenails from the unicorn as it struggled to free itself. Once done, she bolted for the broom. “GET READY!” she screamed as the unicorn finally burst through its bonds and charged. She hopped on the broom, and John squeezed the handle. The broom shot away, leaving a very angry unicorn in the dust.
They stopped about five miles away for a rest. The witch was sweating profusely, but grinning broadly. “Now, you see why we needed more than one person,” she chuckled.
John was on an adrenaline high he had never felt in his life. He couldn’t believe the rush from flying that broomstick. It was like nothing he had ever experienced.
Jane had passed out soon after they outran the unicorn.
So John and the witch sat there, breathing heavily and grinning at each other, not saying a word, for about fifteen minutes. Finally, the witch said, “We need to get moving if we’re going to get to Honalee by sunrise.”
“Is that where we’re going?” John asked in surprise.
“Yep,” the witch answered. “Only known dragon habitat left on earth.”
“We going to go see Puff?” John asked with a smile.
The witch shook her head grimly. “Do you know how many stupid people have been killed in Honalee because of that stupid song?” she asked. “More than I’d care to count. They all hear the song, and say, ‘Ooo, a nice dragon in Honalee! Let’s go see if it’ll be MY friend!’ Dragons are not nice. Dragons are mean, vicious animals that will barbecue you from a mile away, IF they’re feeling generous. If not...I don’t even want to talk about it.”
John was flabbergasted. He had been making a joke.
NEXT: Honalee
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Once Upon A Time, part IV
At the zoo, they had to break into the rhinoceros building where the animals were put away for the night. The witch found one that was still awake and started to chat it up. To the Does, it sounded like a lot of grunting and snorting, but apparently they could both understand each other.
“You think they teach Rhinocerish at Witch University?” John whispered to Jane as the witch started laughing at something the rhino was telling her. Jane giggled behind her hand.
Hearing the unexpected noise, the rhino looked sharply in their direction. He didn’t look in the least bit happy to see them. The witch was trying to explain something, but the rhino looked more and more infuriated at every passing moment.
Abruptly, the witch turned and shouted, “Run!”
The Does didn’t need a second invitation. They took off just as the rhino started to charge.
They ran outside and managed to scramble up a tree in the habitat. John was pretty sure rhinos couldn’t climb trees, so it seemed like a safe place.
However, they still can charge.
The rhino must have rammed the tree with his enormous head ten times when Jane finally started to slip. She screamed at John to save her, but everytime he reached out for her, the rhino would hit the tree again and she would slip some more. At last, she was sure that one more hit would do her in. The rhino was backing up for a fifteenth charge. John made one final desperate lunge to save his wife, and both tumbled out of the tree.
They landed right next to the rhino. But, it didn’t move. It had passed out from all the excitement.
With the rhino unconscious, it was a simple matter to remove its horn. The witch apologized for not informing them that rhinoceroses (rhinoceri?) were very short tempered and would only deal with one intrusion at a time without going berserk. She heaped praises upon them for holding him off until he collapsed from adrenaline shock. The Does didn’t hear a word she said. They were still trembling from head to toe.
----------------------------------------------------
The sun was peeking over the eastern horizon when the Does and the witch arrived at Penelope’s Inlet, the best place to find a mermaid at this time of year, according to the witch.
She picked up a strange looking shell that was lying nearby and blew into one end. The Does couldn’t hear anything except escaping air, but there was a sudden commotion in the inlet. Three heads popped out from under the water and stared at the trio on land for what seemed like an eternity. Then, they ducked back beneath the waves.
“Good, we’re lucky,” the witch sighed with obvious relief. “They didn’t acknowledge our presence.”
John looked at her quizzically.
She shook her head. “Later,” she said, as another head popped out of the water and headed their way.
The figure now emerging from the water was obviously female, though the Does were surprised to see that she looked like a normal human being, except for the gills in the side of her neck. They couldn’t see any scales on her at all.
The mermaid took the shell from the witch and blew into the other end. Expecting to hear the rushing air again, the Does were shocked to her a beautiful and silky voice saying, “Welcome to Penelope’s. How may I help you?”
The witch blew into her side again, and only rushing air could be heard. The mermaid nodded, and replied, via the shell, “Of course. One moment.” She turned back to the water, but paused and addressed the Does. “Would you like to come and inspect the merchandise?”
That sounded reasonable to the Does, but before they could answer, the witch blew sharply into her end of the shell. The mermaid smiled coyly, and dove beneath the surface of the water.
“NEVER take a Mer up on an offer to go underwater,” the witch said. “I don’t care what you’ve seen in movies, you won’t last more than three minutes.”
“Obviously, there’s a lot that movies aren’t telling us,” John commented.
The witch laughed. “Oh, you mean the lack of a tail? An unfortunate misconception. The only thing the Mers have in common with fish is the gills.”
“Then how are we going to get a scale?” Jane exclaimed, a bit hysterically.
The witch smiled knowingly, and watched as the mermaid emerged from the inlet, carrying a bag.
“What form of payment do you have?” the mermaid asked. The witch removed from her bag the dark chocolate she had gotten at Which Witch. The mermaid nodded approvingly, and they traded packages. The two shook hands, and, after waving cheerfully at the Does, the mermaid disappeared into the sea.
As they were loading onto the broomstick, the witch hurriedly explained everything. “If those three heads had acknowledged us, it would have meant that they were going to play around with us, try and kill us somehow, and definitely not get us what we want. The shell I used is a translator. Since Mermish is an exclusive language, no one except Mers can speak it. Consequently, the Mers can’t speak any human language, so we have to use artificial means of communication.”
John was looking at the bag. It was moving. “What’s going on?” he asked.
The witch glanced over. “Oh, that’s the squid,” she replied. “Don’t look in there, unless you want to get squirted.”
“What about the mermaid scale? How do we know it’s in there too?” Jane demanded.
“Listen, Mers may be killers, but they’re not swindlers,” the witch answered. “When you shake hands with a Mer, it’s an ironclad contract that the merchandise is exactly what you requested.”
Jane still felt a bit uneasy, but she let it pass. The witch seemed to know what she was doing.
NEXT: Decision Time
“You think they teach Rhinocerish at Witch University?” John whispered to Jane as the witch started laughing at something the rhino was telling her. Jane giggled behind her hand.
Hearing the unexpected noise, the rhino looked sharply in their direction. He didn’t look in the least bit happy to see them. The witch was trying to explain something, but the rhino looked more and more infuriated at every passing moment.
Abruptly, the witch turned and shouted, “Run!”
The Does didn’t need a second invitation. They took off just as the rhino started to charge.
They ran outside and managed to scramble up a tree in the habitat. John was pretty sure rhinos couldn’t climb trees, so it seemed like a safe place.
However, they still can charge.
The rhino must have rammed the tree with his enormous head ten times when Jane finally started to slip. She screamed at John to save her, but everytime he reached out for her, the rhino would hit the tree again and she would slip some more. At last, she was sure that one more hit would do her in. The rhino was backing up for a fifteenth charge. John made one final desperate lunge to save his wife, and both tumbled out of the tree.
They landed right next to the rhino. But, it didn’t move. It had passed out from all the excitement.
With the rhino unconscious, it was a simple matter to remove its horn. The witch apologized for not informing them that rhinoceroses (rhinoceri?) were very short tempered and would only deal with one intrusion at a time without going berserk. She heaped praises upon them for holding him off until he collapsed from adrenaline shock. The Does didn’t hear a word she said. They were still trembling from head to toe.
----------------------------------------------------
The sun was peeking over the eastern horizon when the Does and the witch arrived at Penelope’s Inlet, the best place to find a mermaid at this time of year, according to the witch.
She picked up a strange looking shell that was lying nearby and blew into one end. The Does couldn’t hear anything except escaping air, but there was a sudden commotion in the inlet. Three heads popped out from under the water and stared at the trio on land for what seemed like an eternity. Then, they ducked back beneath the waves.
“Good, we’re lucky,” the witch sighed with obvious relief. “They didn’t acknowledge our presence.”
John looked at her quizzically.
She shook her head. “Later,” she said, as another head popped out of the water and headed their way.
The figure now emerging from the water was obviously female, though the Does were surprised to see that she looked like a normal human being, except for the gills in the side of her neck. They couldn’t see any scales on her at all.
The mermaid took the shell from the witch and blew into the other end. Expecting to hear the rushing air again, the Does were shocked to her a beautiful and silky voice saying, “Welcome to Penelope’s. How may I help you?”
The witch blew into her side again, and only rushing air could be heard. The mermaid nodded, and replied, via the shell, “Of course. One moment.” She turned back to the water, but paused and addressed the Does. “Would you like to come and inspect the merchandise?”
That sounded reasonable to the Does, but before they could answer, the witch blew sharply into her end of the shell. The mermaid smiled coyly, and dove beneath the surface of the water.
“NEVER take a Mer up on an offer to go underwater,” the witch said. “I don’t care what you’ve seen in movies, you won’t last more than three minutes.”
“Obviously, there’s a lot that movies aren’t telling us,” John commented.
The witch laughed. “Oh, you mean the lack of a tail? An unfortunate misconception. The only thing the Mers have in common with fish is the gills.”
“Then how are we going to get a scale?” Jane exclaimed, a bit hysterically.
The witch smiled knowingly, and watched as the mermaid emerged from the inlet, carrying a bag.
“What form of payment do you have?” the mermaid asked. The witch removed from her bag the dark chocolate she had gotten at Which Witch. The mermaid nodded approvingly, and they traded packages. The two shook hands, and, after waving cheerfully at the Does, the mermaid disappeared into the sea.
As they were loading onto the broomstick, the witch hurriedly explained everything. “If those three heads had acknowledged us, it would have meant that they were going to play around with us, try and kill us somehow, and definitely not get us what we want. The shell I used is a translator. Since Mermish is an exclusive language, no one except Mers can speak it. Consequently, the Mers can’t speak any human language, so we have to use artificial means of communication.”
John was looking at the bag. It was moving. “What’s going on?” he asked.
The witch glanced over. “Oh, that’s the squid,” she replied. “Don’t look in there, unless you want to get squirted.”
“What about the mermaid scale? How do we know it’s in there too?” Jane demanded.
“Listen, Mers may be killers, but they’re not swindlers,” the witch answered. “When you shake hands with a Mer, it’s an ironclad contract that the merchandise is exactly what you requested.”
Jane still felt a bit uneasy, but she let it pass. The witch seemed to know what she was doing.
NEXT: Decision Time
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