The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part IV

In part one, P.C. Viper announced his candidacy for president by threatening the life of a puppy named Hamster. In part two, another candidate, Sam Bucks, denounced Viper's position and promised to nuke Viper if he actually killed Hamster. In part three, the two debated the issues before a national television audience.

In the final weeks before the election, other candidates got desperate. One declared that, if elected, he would eat a vat of live cockroaches. Another let it be known that his platform included annexing part of San Diego for a free national golf course. Still another (a famous actor) promised a part in his next movie to everyone who voted for him. No such luck. Every pundit in America still predicted victory for either Viper/Hamster or Bucks/Kamel.

(Victor Kamel [pronounced come-EL, with the emphasis on the EL] was named by Sam Bucks as his running mate two weeks before the election. The only thing Kamel was notable for was that he slept all the time. It was an odd choice for Bucks, but as Kamel’s competition was a puppy named Hamster, it didn’t really matter)

As time went on, it became apparent that a majority of the country was leaning towards the aggressive approach, and beginning to back Sam Bucks. A poll taken two weeks before the election showed Sam Bucks holding onto a 55-45 advantage. Viper immediately went on the offensive, releasing more ads that simultaneously succeeded in slandering Buck’s name (“My opponent is a nincompoop”) and in renewing his threats of violence. Here is one such ad, first aired ten days before the election.

You know, it’s one thing to threaten. It’s quite another to actually follow through. My opponent (who, it can now be exclusively revealed, still wets his bed) talks a big talk about [uses quotation fingers] “puppy-haters” and “nukes”. But, I don’t think he has the guts to carry through with his threat of nuking me off the face of this planet. For one thing, you’ll never find me. I’ll kill this puppy and scatter his entrails across the entire United States, and you’ll never know where I am. You’ll have to nuke all fifty states to make sure you get me, and where will your constituency be then? The only way to save this puppy is to vote for Viper.

Despite the vehemence, the American people seemed ready to embrace Sam Bucks as their next president.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: Don't count your chickens