The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part VI

In part one, P.C. Viper entered the presidential campaign with a threat to kill Hamster, a puppy whom Viper also named his running mate. In part two, Samuel Bucks threatened to nuke Viper should Hamster die. In part three, the two debated the puppy issue. In part four, Viper released very nasty ads aimed at Samuel Bucks, and in part five, Samuel Bucks singlehandedly ruined his chances to become president.

On the day before the election, the popular daytime talk show “The Gavin McAvin Hour” aired live from Washington, DC. McAvin had an important announcement to make, as seen in this transcript from his opening monologue.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I’m coming to you live from our nation’s capitol instead of from Los Angeles because...well, let’s face it. Tomorrow is one of the most important days in American history. There’s been a lot of screaming and shouting so far, and it seems that the worst is over after the fall from grace of Sam Bucks. But I have some new information to share with the country that may just shake things up a bit. So, let’s cut to the chase, shall we? [applause] My first guest is a national celebrity, in fact, probably the most recognizable face in the world these days. So, without further ado, let’s bring him out. Hamster?

Mayhem ensued. The dog that trotted out on stage was most definitely Hamster, and obviously no longer in P.C. Viper’s control. McAvin spent the next few minutes comparing Hamster to known photos from Viper’s campaign, leaving no doubt. Then McAvin shocked the world:

We won’t give the details of Hamster’s dramatic rescue now. There are a few legal details that need to be hammered out, but it’s pretty apparent...Hamster will not die when Viper is not elected President. [applause] Now, please notice that I said “when”. Because I’m sure it’s obvious that no American can conscientiously give Viper their vote now. And Bucks is in disgrace, so we can’t vote for him either. Which brings me to my next guest. He has graciously agreed to enter the Presidential race at the last moment in order to give us an acceptable choice. Come on out! [thunderous applause, but no one comes out on stage] Hello? Is something wrong? [A stagehand walks out on stage and whispers in McAvin’s ear] OH! Silly me. I completely forgot. We have no other guest, because I WILL BE ENTERING THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE!!!

If it was mayhem before, it was pure bedlam now. For ten solid minutes, the audience whooped and cheered as every news organization in the world struck deals with the Gavin McAvin Hour to get a direct live feed. After McAvin finally calmed them down, he outlined his vision for the country, clearly demonstrating that this was not some spontaneous decision.

It wasn’t pretty. Viper’s vicious and hastily released rebuttal was jam packed unfounded accusations (“Gavin McAvin wears footy pajamas to bed!”), implications of foul play (“Thief! McAvin! We hates him!”), and more threats of violence (“You think I can’t find another puppy?”). No luck. Every single electoral vote went to Gavin McAvin on Election Day. In fact, all TV networks had called the race before all the polls were open that Tuesday.

To this day, P.C. Viper has still not conceded the race. He screamed loudly for a recount for a few months, then disappeared from the public eye. He would return.
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Thus ends chapter one of The PC Viper Chronicles. I don't know when chapter two will appear, but stay tuned.