Scene Three. The police station. SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS is working at his desk when DETECTIVE MCGUNKY buzzes him.
MCGUNKY: (offstage, as on an intercom) Run!
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (looks up) What?
MCGUNKY: He’s here, and he wants to see you! RUN!
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS Who’s...oh no. No no no! (he leaps to his feet and makes a mad dash for the window)
OBVIOUS: (Enters right, looks around. Sees CONSTANTINOPOLOUS struggling to open the window, grins and walks over) Ah, Sergeant. Trying to get a bit of fresh air, eh?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (glowering at OBVIOUS) Yeah.
OBVIOUS: Well, I need to discuss a case with you. Do you remember the Worm incident I’ve been helping you with?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (slouches back to his desk in despair) You mean the one from this morning?
OBVIOUS: Yes, that one.
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I seem to recall it. What do you need?
OBVIOUS: I...that is, we...that is, Dr. Sarcasm and I...he’s my sidekick, we discuss everything... well, except for personal matters, such as hygiene, relationships, matters from our other lives, meaning our secret identities...though we did have an excellent conversation last week about an absolutely fetching woman I met in the supermarket...
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (shouting) CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! WHAT...DO...YOU...WANT?!?!?
OBVIOUS: Oh, yes. Sorry, I got sidetracked.
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I noticed.
OBVIOUS: We had a theory on this Worm fellow. When he stated “The Worm strikes again” in his message, he made it sound like this was not his first attack.
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: And?
OBVIOUS: Well...was it?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (stares) Do you watch the news?
OBVIOUS: No. Comes on at the same time as “Friends.” I never miss that show.
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Do you get the newspaper?
OBVIOUS: Can’t see the point, really. I can get all that information on the internet.
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Do you ever use the internet?
OBVIOUS: Why yes! I’m an online backgammon champion!
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Do you ever look at headlines, skim through current events, anything like that?
OBVIOUS: Well, of course not! There’s too much else to do on the internet than worry about looking at the news...though I’ve been following the trials and tribulations of Jennifer Lopez very carefully...
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Forget it. No, it was not his first time, there have been seven other attacks.
OBVIOUS: Seven! Amazing how you’ve kept this investigation a secret for this long!
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (bangs head on desk) Did you know that not only has the media been all over this story, they’re already in pre-production on the made-for-TV movie?
OBVIOUS: Really? That’s wonderful! Who did they get to play you? Wait, let me guess... Bronson Pinchot! Or, better yet, Corbin Bernsen! Yes, I think he would be the best choice...
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (barely containing his rage) Captain Obvious!
OBVIOUS: Yes, Sergeant Constantinopolous?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Is there anything else? I’m very busy, we do have a serial killer to catch here.
OBVIOUS: Oh, yes. Might I have access to the case files?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: No, you might not. You might go on the internet and look up “The Worm” and read the stories from all seven of his previous murders. Then you might get a clue and do some actual good in this town! But I’m not betting on it!
OBVIOUS: Very good suggestion, Sergeant. I’ll get right on that! To the public library! (exits stage right)
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (punches the intercom button) McGunky!
MCGUNKY: (offstage) Yes sir?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: If you ever let that idiot in here again, I’ll kill you myself. (punches the button again, pulls out a bottle of whiskey, and drains it)
Go To Part Four
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part II
Scene Two. The Obvious Cave. It’s actually just a room, with various gizmos and gadgets lying around. The Obviousmobile sits in the background. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS and DR. SARCASM stand at a table examining various bits of evidence.
OBVIOUS: (holding up a fragment of glass) Hmm. I believe this piece of glass comes from the window in the apartment.
SARCASM: Really? I could have sworn it came from the body.
OBVIOUS: (looks puzzled) But...the body’s not made of glass.
SARCASM: Oh. My mistake.
OBVIOUS: (nods) Anyway, there aren’t any fingerprints on the glass, so it’s no help. (throws the glass over his shoulder) Now if only we could figure out how the killer got in.
SARCASM: I may be barking up the wrong tree, but d’ya think he might have come through the window?
OBVIOUS: (snaps fingers) Of course! That would explain why the window is broken! But...how?
SARCASM: Gee, I don’t know. Glass is awfully strong. I don’t think anything could break it... especially not that brick we found.
OBVIOUS: Now that’s where you’re wrong, my faithful sidekick. (picks up the brick and examines it as he speaks) A brick, thrown with the right amount of force and at the proper velocity, could easily shatter a window.
SARCASM: Oh dear. I seem to be mistaken again.
OBVIOUS: Not to worry, old chum.
SARCASM: Thanks, Batman.
OBVIOUS: Captain Obvious.
SARCASM: Whatever.
OBVIOUS: That’s an odd mistake to make.
SARCASM: I have no idea where it came from...old chum.
OBVIOUS: All is forgiven. Anyway, if we could ascertain the location from which the brick originated, we may increase the probability of the dastardly villain’s apprehension.
SARCASM: Been reading our thesaurus again, have we?
OBVIOUS: Why, yes!
SARCASM: Well, I hate to throw a monkey wrench in your gears, old chump, but brick makers don’t usually weld serial numbers into their product for easy tracing. Good idea though!
OBVIOUS: Yes, I suppose you’re right. (puts the brick back down) Well, I’m stumped. Any other ideas?
SARCASM: Golly, what other clues were there? I doubt very seriously that the giant message in blood will help us.
OBVIOUS: (excitedly) The giant message in blood! How foolish we’ve been! If we tested that blood, we could find out the type and narrow our search down!
SARCASM: Brilliant! I’m one hundred percent certain that the killer used his own blood instead of the blood of his victim!
OBVIOUS: (frowns) I’m not. We would have to be dealing with one sick twisted freak to mutilate himself like that for a message.
SARCASM: Gee, Captain Obvious, I never thought of it that way.
OBVIOUS: (cheerfully) Never fear, Dr. Sarcasm! It takes a highly trained thought process to understand the criminal mind! You’re just my sidekick...you’ll get it one of these days.
SARCASM: I can’t wait.
OBVIOUS: But perhaps there are other clues in the message. What did it say again? “The Worm strikes again.” Hmm. This implies that this “Worm” fellow has struck before.
SARCASM: (astounded) You know, I think that’s the single most intelligent thing that’s ever come out of your mouth.
OBVIOUS: You flatter me. I heard Sergeant Constantinopolous asking Detective McGunky about it while we were collecting evidence.
SARCASM: Oh. Should’ve guessed.
OBVIOUS: But it does raise the question as to what dastardly deeds the Worm has perpetrated in the past. Maybe there are patterns. (The phone rings, and CAPTAIN OBVIOUS picks it up.) Hello, Captain Obvious speaking. (listens, then) Hold on, I’ll check. Ah, Dr. Sarcasm?
SARCASM: Sir, yes sir!
OBVIOUS: Are we happy with our long distance service?
SARCASM: (doesn’t say a word, just glares at CAPTAIN OBVIOUS)
OBVIOUS: (back to the receiver) Uh, we’re fine, thank you. (hangs up) Blasted telemarketers. Don’t they understand this line needs to be kept open for emergencies?
SARCASM: Have you ever considered NOT having a listed number?
OBVIOUS: But then how would anyone be able to find us in times of distress?
SARCASM: I’m just saying, it’s very possible that having the number AND address of our SECRET LAIR in the phone book might be a bad idea.
OBVIOUS: Duly noted. Now where were we? Ah yes. Dr. Sarcasm!
SARCASM: I await thy bidding, oh master.
OBVIOUS: (looks startled) What?
SARCASM: Oh, nothing. What do you want?
OBVIOUS: I need you to go to the scene of the crime and see if we missed anything. I’m off to the police station to research the Worm’s previous criminal activities. Meet me in the mayor’s office as soon as possible.
SARCASM: (stares for a moment, then) You go to the scene of the crime.
OBVIOUS: Excuse me?
SARCASM: Every time we separate, I get beat up. Remember that time we were in that old abandoned warehouse chasing The Gruesome Fivesome?
OBVIOUS: Ah, yes. My finest hour.
SARCASM: Absolutely. When we split up, I got jumped by those goons and tied up over a vat of boiling water. If you hadn’t tripped over the power cord, I wouldn’t have fallen and gotten to spend the next month in the hospital with third degree burns.
OBVIOUS: We also wouldn’t have caught them.
SARCASM: The cops ambushed them!
OBVIOUS: Under cover of darkness, which I provided!
SARCASM: I’m not going to the scene of the crime.
OBVIOUS: Yes, you are. I am the superhero, you are the sidekick. I am the leader, you are the follower. I am the employer, you are the employee. Now, go!
SARCASM: Fine. Just please rescue me properly this time.
OBVIOUS: That’s the spirit! To the Obviousmobile!
SARCASM: Yeah, this is going to go reeeeeaaaaallllly well.
Go To Part Three
OBVIOUS: (holding up a fragment of glass) Hmm. I believe this piece of glass comes from the window in the apartment.
SARCASM: Really? I could have sworn it came from the body.
OBVIOUS: (looks puzzled) But...the body’s not made of glass.
SARCASM: Oh. My mistake.
OBVIOUS: (nods) Anyway, there aren’t any fingerprints on the glass, so it’s no help. (throws the glass over his shoulder) Now if only we could figure out how the killer got in.
SARCASM: I may be barking up the wrong tree, but d’ya think he might have come through the window?
OBVIOUS: (snaps fingers) Of course! That would explain why the window is broken! But...how?
SARCASM: Gee, I don’t know. Glass is awfully strong. I don’t think anything could break it... especially not that brick we found.
OBVIOUS: Now that’s where you’re wrong, my faithful sidekick. (picks up the brick and examines it as he speaks) A brick, thrown with the right amount of force and at the proper velocity, could easily shatter a window.
SARCASM: Oh dear. I seem to be mistaken again.
OBVIOUS: Not to worry, old chum.
SARCASM: Thanks, Batman.
OBVIOUS: Captain Obvious.
SARCASM: Whatever.
OBVIOUS: That’s an odd mistake to make.
SARCASM: I have no idea where it came from...old chum.
OBVIOUS: All is forgiven. Anyway, if we could ascertain the location from which the brick originated, we may increase the probability of the dastardly villain’s apprehension.
SARCASM: Been reading our thesaurus again, have we?
OBVIOUS: Why, yes!
SARCASM: Well, I hate to throw a monkey wrench in your gears, old chump, but brick makers don’t usually weld serial numbers into their product for easy tracing. Good idea though!
OBVIOUS: Yes, I suppose you’re right. (puts the brick back down) Well, I’m stumped. Any other ideas?
SARCASM: Golly, what other clues were there? I doubt very seriously that the giant message in blood will help us.
OBVIOUS: (excitedly) The giant message in blood! How foolish we’ve been! If we tested that blood, we could find out the type and narrow our search down!
SARCASM: Brilliant! I’m one hundred percent certain that the killer used his own blood instead of the blood of his victim!
OBVIOUS: (frowns) I’m not. We would have to be dealing with one sick twisted freak to mutilate himself like that for a message.
SARCASM: Gee, Captain Obvious, I never thought of it that way.
OBVIOUS: (cheerfully) Never fear, Dr. Sarcasm! It takes a highly trained thought process to understand the criminal mind! You’re just my sidekick...you’ll get it one of these days.
SARCASM: I can’t wait.
OBVIOUS: But perhaps there are other clues in the message. What did it say again? “The Worm strikes again.” Hmm. This implies that this “Worm” fellow has struck before.
SARCASM: (astounded) You know, I think that’s the single most intelligent thing that’s ever come out of your mouth.
OBVIOUS: You flatter me. I heard Sergeant Constantinopolous asking Detective McGunky about it while we were collecting evidence.
SARCASM: Oh. Should’ve guessed.
OBVIOUS: But it does raise the question as to what dastardly deeds the Worm has perpetrated in the past. Maybe there are patterns. (The phone rings, and CAPTAIN OBVIOUS picks it up.) Hello, Captain Obvious speaking. (listens, then) Hold on, I’ll check. Ah, Dr. Sarcasm?
SARCASM: Sir, yes sir!
OBVIOUS: Are we happy with our long distance service?
SARCASM: (doesn’t say a word, just glares at CAPTAIN OBVIOUS)
OBVIOUS: (back to the receiver) Uh, we’re fine, thank you. (hangs up) Blasted telemarketers. Don’t they understand this line needs to be kept open for emergencies?
SARCASM: Have you ever considered NOT having a listed number?
OBVIOUS: But then how would anyone be able to find us in times of distress?
SARCASM: I’m just saying, it’s very possible that having the number AND address of our SECRET LAIR in the phone book might be a bad idea.
OBVIOUS: Duly noted. Now where were we? Ah yes. Dr. Sarcasm!
SARCASM: I await thy bidding, oh master.
OBVIOUS: (looks startled) What?
SARCASM: Oh, nothing. What do you want?
OBVIOUS: I need you to go to the scene of the crime and see if we missed anything. I’m off to the police station to research the Worm’s previous criminal activities. Meet me in the mayor’s office as soon as possible.
SARCASM: (stares for a moment, then) You go to the scene of the crime.
OBVIOUS: Excuse me?
SARCASM: Every time we separate, I get beat up. Remember that time we were in that old abandoned warehouse chasing The Gruesome Fivesome?
OBVIOUS: Ah, yes. My finest hour.
SARCASM: Absolutely. When we split up, I got jumped by those goons and tied up over a vat of boiling water. If you hadn’t tripped over the power cord, I wouldn’t have fallen and gotten to spend the next month in the hospital with third degree burns.
OBVIOUS: We also wouldn’t have caught them.
SARCASM: The cops ambushed them!
OBVIOUS: Under cover of darkness, which I provided!
SARCASM: I’m not going to the scene of the crime.
OBVIOUS: Yes, you are. I am the superhero, you are the sidekick. I am the leader, you are the follower. I am the employer, you are the employee. Now, go!
SARCASM: Fine. Just please rescue me properly this time.
OBVIOUS: That’s the spirit! To the Obviousmobile!
SARCASM: Yeah, this is going to go reeeeeaaaaallllly well.
Go To Part Three
The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part I
Scene One. A dimly lit and ransacked apartment. Tables are overturned. There is a broken window on the wall next to a large message written in blood that reads “The Worm strikes again!” A body lies in the center of the floor, with a white sheet covering its features. SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and DETECTIVE MCGUNKY stand over the body, making notes.
SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Well, I know I haven’t got a clue.
DETECTIVE MCGUNKY: Who notified us?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (gesturing stage left) Ah, his next door neighbor heard the gunshot and let us know. She says she didn’t see anything or hear anything else, just freaked out when she heard the gun.
MCGUNKY: I can imagine. She didn’t....
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I’m afraid she did.
MCGUNKY: (buries face in hands, and emits a frustrated yell) ARGH! (looks up) We tell these people to call 911 for a reason, you know! It’s not like it’s that hard! Pick up the phone, dial nine, then one, then one, and wait for the operator to pick up! Why do they all insist on using the internet?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Blame the mayor. It was his idea to put emergency service on the internet and forward all requests to that idiot.
MCGUNKY: How much do you think he’s getting under the table for the favor?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Not enough, I can tell you that. Pretty soon, he’ll have us all replaced by computers.
MCGUNKY: How long until he shows up?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Any minute now.
(As if on cue [which it is, to tell the truth], CAPTAIN OBVIOUS strolls in from stage left, followed by a very bored DR. SARCASM)
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: (strikes his best superhero pose, and bellows) Gentlemen, I have arrived! Allow me to introduce myself, Captain Obvious! And this (extending an arm to his sulking companion) is my faithful sidekick, Dr. Sarcasm!
DR. SARCASM: It is an unbelievably wonderful pleasure to meet you all. Again. (rolls eyes as OBVIOUS turns to CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and MCGUNKY)
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Yes, Captain Obvious, we know who you are.
OBVIOUS: Ahh, Sergeant Constantinopolous! And Detective McGunky! The finest our fair city has to offer! This must be a difficult case indeed! (CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and MCGUNKY don’t respond, they just stare at him in cold contempt. Several moments pass.) Ahh, so, may I ask why we’re here?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (Looks around the room. It’s fairly obvious to everyone why we’re here, what with the overturned tables, murder victim on the floor, and a giant message on the wall written in blood. HE looks back to CAPTAIN OBVIOUS) Yes, you may.
OBVIOUS: Good. (A brief pause as OBVIOUS smiles radiantly at the two policemen. Finally:) Why are we here?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: This. (gestures to the sheet on the floor)
OBVIOUS: I see! (rubs chin thoughtfully as he examines the sheet from where he stands) Is there something under the sheet?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Why, yes, Captain Obvious. Would you like to see that as well?
OBVIOUS: It may help to shed some light on the situation.
(MCGUNKY lifts the sheet so that the audience cannot see what is under there, but all four men can. OBVIOUS is noticeably affected.)
OBVIOUS: Yes. I see. Hmm. Very interesting.
MCGUNKY: Would you care to share some insight on this case, Captain Obvious?
OBVIOUS: Yes, well...it would appear that this man has been murdered.
SARCASM: Brilliant observation, Captain Obvious! Tell me, what tipped you off...the fact that his brains are everywhere? Or the presence of bullet holes all over his body? Or perhaps the giant message on the wall over there from the killer? Or did you just deduce that from the fact the place is milling with cops?
OBVIOUS: Well, my first clue was that he was dead...
MCGUNKY: (Snorts with laughter. OBVIOUS looks at him severely. Immediately composes himself.) Oh. You were serious. Sorry.
OBVIOUS: (looking slightly miffed) But yes, those other things did have something to do with it. Though, I had yet to notice the message on the wall.
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (irritated) How did you miss that? It covers the whole wall and is written in blood!
OBVIOUS: Forgive me, Sergeant Constantinopolous. I’ve only been here five minutes.
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I noticed it when I walked in the door!
MCGUNKY: (taking CONSTANTINOPOLOUS aside) Calm down, Sergeant. Indulge the man. He’s the mayor’s pet. (CONSTANTINOPOLOUS growls in reply)
OBVIOUS: (studying the message as if the last exchange never occurred) Hmmm. “The Worm strikes again.” “The Worm?” It seems that a worm would not be able to summon the necessary strength to squeeze the trigger of a shotgun, much less be able to write this message in such large letters, in English, even! I would have expected some form of Wormish, or whatever language worms speak. But English! Amazing! We are dealing with a truly dangerous and ingenious species here, gentlemen! We start at the bait shop!
MCGUNKY: Um...Captain Obvious? I believe that “The Worm” is just a nickname.
OBVIOUS: (stares at the message for a few more moments) Yes, that does make more sense. Too bad. I was looking forward to getting some fishing in.
(At this, CONSTANTINOPOLOUS claps a hand over his mouth and exits stage left. As soon as he has left the room, a primal scream is heard. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS looks up sharply)
OBVIOUS: The Worm! He’s attacked Sergeant Constantinopolous! Are none of us safe?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (reentering) I feel better now.
OBVIOUS: Thanks heavens! (He rushes over and embraces the SERGEANT) When we heard the scream, we feared the worst. It is such a relief to see you alive once more! But, there is no time for celebration! We must pursue he criminal before he gets too far away! Come, Dr. Sarcasm! We must collect evidence! (rushes out stage left)
SARCASM: (follows slowly. When he reaches the exit, he turns and says, with all sincerity for the only time in the production) I’m truly, truly sorry. (turns and exits)
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: How did that guy get to be a superhero anyway?
MCGUNKY: His mom dropped him on his head when he was a baby. Made him think he had superpowers. Anyway, the mayor decided we needed a superhero in this town, and since all the good ones were taken, we got Captain Obvious.
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: God help us all. (fade out)
Go To Part Two
SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Well, I know I haven’t got a clue.
DETECTIVE MCGUNKY: Who notified us?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (gesturing stage left) Ah, his next door neighbor heard the gunshot and let us know. She says she didn’t see anything or hear anything else, just freaked out when she heard the gun.
MCGUNKY: I can imagine. She didn’t....
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I’m afraid she did.
MCGUNKY: (buries face in hands, and emits a frustrated yell) ARGH! (looks up) We tell these people to call 911 for a reason, you know! It’s not like it’s that hard! Pick up the phone, dial nine, then one, then one, and wait for the operator to pick up! Why do they all insist on using the internet?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Blame the mayor. It was his idea to put emergency service on the internet and forward all requests to that idiot.
MCGUNKY: How much do you think he’s getting under the table for the favor?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Not enough, I can tell you that. Pretty soon, he’ll have us all replaced by computers.
MCGUNKY: How long until he shows up?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Any minute now.
(As if on cue [which it is, to tell the truth], CAPTAIN OBVIOUS strolls in from stage left, followed by a very bored DR. SARCASM)
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: (strikes his best superhero pose, and bellows) Gentlemen, I have arrived! Allow me to introduce myself, Captain Obvious! And this (extending an arm to his sulking companion) is my faithful sidekick, Dr. Sarcasm!
DR. SARCASM: It is an unbelievably wonderful pleasure to meet you all. Again. (rolls eyes as OBVIOUS turns to CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and MCGUNKY)
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Yes, Captain Obvious, we know who you are.
OBVIOUS: Ahh, Sergeant Constantinopolous! And Detective McGunky! The finest our fair city has to offer! This must be a difficult case indeed! (CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and MCGUNKY don’t respond, they just stare at him in cold contempt. Several moments pass.) Ahh, so, may I ask why we’re here?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (Looks around the room. It’s fairly obvious to everyone why we’re here, what with the overturned tables, murder victim on the floor, and a giant message on the wall written in blood. HE looks back to CAPTAIN OBVIOUS) Yes, you may.
OBVIOUS: Good. (A brief pause as OBVIOUS smiles radiantly at the two policemen. Finally:) Why are we here?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: This. (gestures to the sheet on the floor)
OBVIOUS: I see! (rubs chin thoughtfully as he examines the sheet from where he stands) Is there something under the sheet?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Why, yes, Captain Obvious. Would you like to see that as well?
OBVIOUS: It may help to shed some light on the situation.
(MCGUNKY lifts the sheet so that the audience cannot see what is under there, but all four men can. OBVIOUS is noticeably affected.)
OBVIOUS: Yes. I see. Hmm. Very interesting.
MCGUNKY: Would you care to share some insight on this case, Captain Obvious?
OBVIOUS: Yes, well...it would appear that this man has been murdered.
SARCASM: Brilliant observation, Captain Obvious! Tell me, what tipped you off...the fact that his brains are everywhere? Or the presence of bullet holes all over his body? Or perhaps the giant message on the wall over there from the killer? Or did you just deduce that from the fact the place is milling with cops?
OBVIOUS: Well, my first clue was that he was dead...
MCGUNKY: (Snorts with laughter. OBVIOUS looks at him severely. Immediately composes himself.) Oh. You were serious. Sorry.
OBVIOUS: (looking slightly miffed) But yes, those other things did have something to do with it. Though, I had yet to notice the message on the wall.
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (irritated) How did you miss that? It covers the whole wall and is written in blood!
OBVIOUS: Forgive me, Sergeant Constantinopolous. I’ve only been here five minutes.
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I noticed it when I walked in the door!
MCGUNKY: (taking CONSTANTINOPOLOUS aside) Calm down, Sergeant. Indulge the man. He’s the mayor’s pet. (CONSTANTINOPOLOUS growls in reply)
OBVIOUS: (studying the message as if the last exchange never occurred) Hmmm. “The Worm strikes again.” “The Worm?” It seems that a worm would not be able to summon the necessary strength to squeeze the trigger of a shotgun, much less be able to write this message in such large letters, in English, even! I would have expected some form of Wormish, or whatever language worms speak. But English! Amazing! We are dealing with a truly dangerous and ingenious species here, gentlemen! We start at the bait shop!
MCGUNKY: Um...Captain Obvious? I believe that “The Worm” is just a nickname.
OBVIOUS: (stares at the message for a few more moments) Yes, that does make more sense. Too bad. I was looking forward to getting some fishing in.
(At this, CONSTANTINOPOLOUS claps a hand over his mouth and exits stage left. As soon as he has left the room, a primal scream is heard. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS looks up sharply)
OBVIOUS: The Worm! He’s attacked Sergeant Constantinopolous! Are none of us safe?
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (reentering) I feel better now.
OBVIOUS: Thanks heavens! (He rushes over and embraces the SERGEANT) When we heard the scream, we feared the worst. It is such a relief to see you alive once more! But, there is no time for celebration! We must pursue he criminal before he gets too far away! Come, Dr. Sarcasm! We must collect evidence! (rushes out stage left)
SARCASM: (follows slowly. When he reaches the exit, he turns and says, with all sincerity for the only time in the production) I’m truly, truly sorry. (turns and exits)
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: How did that guy get to be a superhero anyway?
MCGUNKY: His mom dropped him on his head when he was a baby. Made him think he had superpowers. Anyway, the mayor decided we needed a superhero in this town, and since all the good ones were taken, we got Captain Obvious.
CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: God help us all. (fade out)
Go To Part Two
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Welcome to Bloglish Tales
The idea for this blog is to collect some of my writing into one place. It will most likely be just stories, mostly fictional, maybe a few nonfiction. I doubt I'll be updating it a lot, just when I have something finished and deemed worthy of publication by my own standards. Of course, nothing I post will be professional quality as I'm not a professional writer. However, I enjoy writing stories, and I think I'm an OK storyteller, even if I'm not a great story writer.
I hope you enjoy. The first thing I'll be posting is the seven part script for "The Adventures of Captain Obvious", which just finished its run in The Bloglish Blog. Thanks for reading. Any comments for improvement are appreciated.
-Dr. Worm, Official Bloglish Bard
I hope you enjoy. The first thing I'll be posting is the seven part script for "The Adventures of Captain Obvious", which just finished its run in The Bloglish Blog. Thanks for reading. Any comments for improvement are appreciated.
-Dr. Worm, Official Bloglish Bard
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