Ambushed, part VII

The prank was going quite well so far, Harvey Rossel thought. The producers of Ambushed! had been approached by Lucy Davis right around the time of the previous season finale. Lucy's boyfriend, Mark Schroeder, had never seen the show, and she had a great idea for a prank. The producers loved the idea, and agreed to it. Now, it was being implemented. Here's what had happened.

Lucy and Mark had arrived at the restaurant, and waited for a table. While Lucy went to the bathroom, another young man (Vincent, a conspirator) had told Mark that he was proposing that night. He had asked the staff to plant the ring in her cheesecake. Mark asked if she might swallow it by accident, and Vincent said no, she took very tiny bites.

Mark and Lucy's table just "happened" to be near the table of Vincent and his girlfriend, Susannah. When the waiter asked Mark and Lucy if they wanted dessert, Lucy asked for cheesecake. Mark didn't want anything.

The desserts at the two tables were delivered at the same time. Mark told Lucy to watch Vincent's table. Lucy did, but ate her cheesecake in the meantime.

Mark was watching Susannah finish her cheesecake, and Vincent's troubled expression, when he heard a gasp from Lucy. He looked, and she was holding the ring. "YES!" she squealed in delight. "I'll marry you! I will! YESYESYES!"

Mark's eyes were wide. "N...n..." he stuttered, looking at Vincent. Vincent's look of shock at Lucy's outburst had turned into one of rage.

"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!" Vincent screamed, jumping from his seat. "I TELL YOU WHAT I'M PLANNING, AND YOU DECIDE TO STEAL MY IDEA AND MY RING? HOW DARE YOU?"

"N...n..." stuttered Mark.

"Wait," Susannah said angrily. "That was supposed to be my ring? Buried in the cheesecake? Are you trying to kill me?"

"No," said Vincent. "I..."

"YOU KNOW WHAT BIG BITES I TAKE!" screamed Susannah, standing up and throwing her napkin to the floor. "YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" And she stormed from the restaurant.

Vincent stared after her for a moment, then slowly turned to Mark. "You're dead," he hissed. "I will hunt you down and kill you. Watch your back." Then he ran out of the restaurant after Susannah.

Mark looked at Lucy, who was staring at him in shock. "Then this wasn't for me?" she asked.

Mark shook his head.

Lucy began to cry. It was all very convincing, Harvey thought. And to add the finishing touch, she began to wail, "WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR FIVE YEARS! IF YOU CAN'T MARRY ME, THEN I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" And she too fled the restaurant.

Mark sat, mouth hanging open. Harvey pitied him a bit, but he'd know it was all a joke momentarily. Harvey was dressed as a waiter on this night, and walked over to where Mark was sitting.

"Wow," Harvey said. "That stinks."

Mark looked at him. "You could say that," he replied. "I ruined two relationships tonight. That guy is going to kill me. I'm never going to see Lucy again. I feel like shooting myself."

Harvey nodded sympathetically. "Well, before you do that..."

"In fact," Mark interrupted, "I've got a gun in the car. Excuse me." And he bolted from the restaurant.

"NO, WAIT!" yelled Harvey, but Mark was already halfway out of the restaurant. Harvey was terrified, and ran after him. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT WAS..."

An old lady stepped in front of him. "You're from that awful Ambush! show, aren't you?"

"Yes, but..." stammered Harvey, trying despearately to get around her.

"I saw what you did to that poor man last season," the old lady persisted. "Now you're trying to ruin someone else's life. How dare you?"

"Lady," Harvey said, angrily. "If you don't get out of my way..."

A blast was heard from outside. Harvey stopped in shock. "Goodness!" said the old lady. "What was that?"

Harvey pushed past her and ran outside. A crowd was huddled by the cars. Harvey ran over, visions of lawsuits and jail time in his head. The show was done. His career was finished. His life, as he knew it, was over. He pushed his way through and saw the corpse, lying on the ground, surrounded by dark red liquid.

But then the corpse stirred. It pushed up, and stood with its back to Harvey. Then it turned its blood stained face to him.

It was Phil Dundermann.

From the crowd, Vincent and Susannah, married for fifteen years and old college friends of Phil, grinned at Harvey with their arms around each other. Lucy and Mark, who had gone to elementary school with Phil and still maintained close ties, were stifling their laughter. Even Phil's mom, who had so effectively kept Harvey from coming out of the restaurant too early, had come out to join the fun.

Phil brushed some of the ketchup off his face, and said, with an evil grin, "Surprise. You've been Ambushed."

The crowd threw confetti in the air, and everyone laughed. Everyone, that is, except Harvey Rossel.

THE END

Ambushed, part VI

Phil woke in a darkened room. He was lying in a bed. He had no idea where he was. There were beeps all around. Somewhere, he could hear talking. A door opened, and a woman in blue walked in.

"He's awake!" she called into the hall, and came to his side. "How are you feeling, Mr. Dundermann?"

Phil shut his eyes tightly and opened them again. "Where am I? What happened?"

The nurse was checking his pulse. "You were in a very bad car accident. You've been unconscious for the last five months. This is the hospital."

"Unconscious?" asked Phil, trying to remember. He could remember standing on Frank's porch, looking at his house, with that taxi...then he couldn't remember anything else. He certainly didn't remember a car crash, though that taxi ride was miraculously accident free.

"Was I ever...I mean, have you heard of a show called Ambush?" Phil asked.

The nurse shook her head. "I don't really watch much TV," she said, then walked out of the room.

Phil rested his head on the pillow. If he had been in a car accident, then it stood to reason that the whole Ambush! fiasco had been a very very bad dream. He could accept that. No way could people be that cruel to...

The lights turned on, the walls lifted, and Phil saw that he was not in a hospital room at all, but right smack in the middle of a roller skating rink. People began skating around him as "Dancing Queen" started playing over the PA system. Confetti was falling from the ceiling, and Phil saw a huge banner that said, "SURPRISE! YOU'VE BEEN AMBUSHED!" And everyone was laughing.
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Phil disguised himself, and attended the taping of the season finale for Ambush! The entire episode was dedicated to him. They started out with a recap of the restaurant prank, and an interview with Harvey Rossel saying they had really just picked Phil randomly. However, they were so happy with his reaction, they decided to see just how far they could push him, which led to the parking garage prank. They had towed Phil's car from place to place. During this prank, the attendant had swiped Phil's keys, and they had made a quick copy of his house key. They showed the redecorating prank, along with pictures of Phil fast asleep in bed, unaware that anyone was filming him.

After that, they showed his latest mishaps, along with explanations of how each was pulled off. The package prank was the easiest to do, partly because it was such an old joke. In the elevator, the original plan was to have them get stuck and Phil deliver the baby (the woman was Harvey Rossel's wife, and really was pregnant). But Phil had called them on it, so they went to Plan B - deny pregnancy and just play with the elevator. The taxi stunt was, of course, the most elaborate prank Ambushed! had ever attempted, and it worked beautifully. They hired ten stunt taxi drivers, assuming (correctly) that Phil would be suspicious and probably wouldn't take the first few that went by. All other taxis in town had been instructed not to pick him up. The taxi driver had driven to a part of town that had been sectioned off to accomodate the car chase. No one had been injured, all crashes were planned, and the effect, when seen on film, was very striking.

Of course, there were plenty of shots of Phil looking bemused and bewildered through the whole thing. It was explained that the fainting episode Phil experienced was unplanned, but since he appeared to be OK (just overstressed), they decided to pull one final prank on him...the waking up in the fake hospital.

After all had been shown, Harvey Rossel told the audience that they were retiring old Phil from the show. No no, he said when the crowd booed a little. Phil was a good sport, and a good guy, and it was time he got left alone. The show ended, and everyone left.

Phil didn't believe it. He knew this was a ploy to get his defenses down. He knew they would be after him again. They may wait a few months, but they'd be back. This was now personal. There was only one way to stop the madness, and Phil had a plan.

NEXT: A New Victim

Ambushed, part V

Phil ran to the street and hailed a cab. No way was he going to his car today. As he was climbing into the taxi, he realized that the Ambushed! people probably expected this, and this cab was probably in on the joke. So he got out and waved it on.

He waved on the next five taxis, and finally got in the seventh. He told it to take him to his house and gave the address. As the cab driver drove down the street, he looked in the rearview mirror and said, "Hey, aren't you that guy..."

"NO!" screamed Phil. "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!"

"Relax, pal," said the driver. "I just thought you looked a little like that guy from that movie. You know, the one with the chimp that was running a gym?"

"The one with the chimp that was running a gym?" asked Phil, somewhat relieved.

"Yeah!" said the driver enthusiastically and spent the next ten minutes telling Phil the plot of what was apparently his favorite movie. Phil leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

"Hey," the driver said suddenly. "You know those guys?"

Phil turned and saw a white van behind the cab. Fear filled his heart. "I don't know," he said.

The cabbie shrugged. "They've been behind us since I picked you up."

The taxi turned right, and Phil could see the logo imprinted on the side of the van. AMBUSH!

"No, oh no," he moaned. "Can you lose them?"

"Thought you'd never ask," said the cabbie, and took off. Phil had to hold on to make sre he wasn't thrown against the sides of the car as the taxi sped down the crowded city streets. On several occasions, Phil was sure he would die when oncoming traffic looked primed to crash into the cab head on, but the cabbie knew what he was doing, and death was avoided by mere centimeters every time.

Behind the taxi, however, the van was keeping pace. Phil was more scared than he had ever been, and said, "Maybe we should just stop and see what they want."

"No way, Cletus," said the cabbie. "Those punks messed with the wrong taxi."

The cabbie cut left sharply to avoid a collision with an oncoming semi. However, the van was not as lucky. It missed the semi, veered off the road and crashed into the side of a building.

"We have to go back!" shouted Phil. "They may be hurt!"

"Too late," said the cabbie as three cop cars appeared, sirens blazing, chasing the taxi. The cabbie led them on a merry chase for several miles, then did a nifty u-turn on a bridge that sent the cop cars sailing over the edge and into the river below.

Phil was horrified. He couldn't believe what had just happened. It was so surreal, and the cabbie was so calm.

Now unpursued, the cab headed for Phil's house. When it got there, the cabbie insisted that there was no charge. "Never had more fun," he said. "Besides, they have my cab number now, I'm going to have to run for it. It was a pleasure." Phil got out, and started to walk towards his house. The cabbie called after him. "Hey! Phil!"

Phil had known this was coming. The cabbie was too calm, there were no apparent repercussions, and besides, he had never told the cabbie his name. He gritted his teeth and turned around.

"Surprise! You've been Ambushed!" the cabbie yelled happily. Confetti shot from the roof of his vehicle. Phil grimaced, turned and walked up to his house.

His key didn't work. Perfect. He pounded on the door, and sure enough, a guy opened the door. "May I help you?"

Phil nodded. "Yeah, this is my house, and you're going to tell me it's actually your house, and I'll insist that it's mine, and then you'll embarrass me, and then you'll tell me I've been Ambushed. I've had a hard day, can you just let me inside?"

The man looked confused. "Phil, it's me, Frank," Frank said. "Your house is on the other side of the street."

Phil looked. Yep, there it was. The taxi was spewing confetti, and the driver was laughing hard, pounding the steering wheel. Phil decided then that he couldn't handle it anymore. He passed out right there on Frank's stoop.

NEXT: It's Over?

Ambushed, part IV

For about a month, nothing happened. Phil went to work, got mocked endlessly, jumped at small noises, spoke to no one he didn't know, kept himself completely to his routine without allowing any deviation, and in general became a recluse. His house had become something of a tourist spot, with people stopping to take pictures, ringing the doorbell to see if they could come in and see what he had done with the place, honking their horns in the middle of the night, and so on. Phil was deperately trying to find out what legal action he could take, but he was frightened that any lawyer he spoke to would be under the employ of Ambush!

One day, as Phil was working at his desk, he received a package. After Phil had signed the form, the delivery man said, "Hey, aren't you that guy..."

"No," snapped Phil. "Goodbye." And he ripped open the package.

Plastic snakes flew out, and Phil jumped back in fear. It took him a second to realize what had just happened.

"Surprise!" said the delivery guy. "You've been Ambushed!"

Confetti fell from the ceiling and everyone around Phil's cubicle laughed. Phil stood, looked the delivery man right in the eye, and screamed. Loudly. For a long time. Then he grabbed his briefcase, and headed for the elevator. The camel's back had been broken. He would move to some third world country where no one had a television.

The elevator doors opened, and Phil stepped inside. One floor down, the doors opened again, and a large woman walked in.

"Oh, har de har har," snarled Phil. "Let me guess...the elevator will get stuck and I'll have to deliver your baby, right? How original."

The woman looked offended. "I'm not pregnant."

"OH!" said Phil, aghast. "I'm so sorry! I..."

They reached the woman's floor. After she got back, she looked at him and said, "Hey, aren't you that guy..."

"NO!" yelled Phil, as the doors closed. However, instead of heading down, the elevator went up.

"HEY, YOU STUPID ELEVATOR!" Phil screamed, and hit the doors. The elevator stopped, and the alarm went off. "Nononono, that's not what I wanted to you to do! Shh! SSSHHH!!!" The alarm stopped, but the elevator did not move. Phil wondered if he had hurt the elevator's feelings, then wondered if he had lost his mind.

The elevator started up again, moving downward, but very slowly. Phil got the impression that it was sulking. Finally, it arrived on the first floor and the doors opened. However, Phil found that he was actually halfway between the first floor and the basement. He could see people's feet moving around at eye level. He waited until the doors shut, then hit the first floor button again. The doors opened, but the elevator had not moved fropm its previous position. Grumbling, Phil climbed out to the first floor.

Standing in front of him was the large woman and the elevator technician. They were laughing. "Surprise!" the woman said. "You've been Ambushed!"

Confetti fell, and everyone laughed, but Phil was too busy speeding out of the building to notice.

NEXT: The Fun Continues

Ambushed, part III

In the week before Phil's next appearance on Ambush!, the producers started running commericals announcing "the return of an old favorite", complete with a flash of Phil's face looking utterly bewildered. Phil didn't see the ads right away, but heard all about them at work. He considered going into hiding again, but decided it would be too transparent.

On the day before the episode was scheduled to run, Phil accidentally overslept. For some reason, his alarm didn't go off in the night. He called in to say that he was running a little behind, and his boss said it was fine.

Before Phil could start his day, he had to have his coffee and read the newspaper. It was his routine, and he wasn't going to change it just because he was running behind. So, he trudged out his driveway to where the paper lay. He didn't notice the van parked across the street.

Phil picked up his paper, stood and turned around, to find two people blocking his way. An immaculately primped woman holding a microphone, and a shabby man holding a camera.

The woman began speaking rapidly to the camera. "This is Penelope Chatter-Bachs, and I have with me Mr. Phil Dundermann, a man who has been thoroughly humiliated by the hit television show 'Ambush!' several times now. Thank you for agreeing to speak with us, Mr. Dundermann."

"What?" said Phil.

"Of course, we have followed your trials and tribulations very closely," said Chatter-Bachs, "and I must say that it is totally reprehensible the way Ambush! has treated you."

"YES!" exploded Phil. "Why do I have to get picked on? It makes no sense!"

"Absolutely!" said Chatter-Bachs. "We thought we'd give our viewers a detailed look at the real Phil Dundermann, man of passion, grace, and humility."

"Well, I don't know..." mumbled Phil. "I'm actually late for work."

"This won't take five minutes," said Chatter-Bachs. "So, this is your house?"

"Yes," said Phil. "I've lived here for five years..."

"Let's take a look!" said Chatter-Bachs, and she and the cameraman charged towards his front door, which was standing wide open. Phil watched them, then rushed after them, not liking this at all.

"Well, I must say," Chatter-Bachs was saying as Phil rushed in the door. "This is not at all what I expected."

They were standing in front of the living room. Phil looked in, and had to stifle a scream. The whole living room was pink. Lacy curtains adorned the windows, and pictures of kittens and puppies covered the walls that were now layered with bright pink flowery wallpaper. The sofa and easy chair now had fluffy pink pillows on them, and the coffee table was festooned with pictures of Martha Stewart.

"And what do we have here?" asked Chatter-Bachs, already in the kitchen with the cameraman. Phil rushed after them to find that the kitchen was completely trashed. Food, dirty dishes, and trash were everywhere. Phil was shocked...he always strove to be as neat as possible. How had this happened?

"Oh, and is that your dog?" asked Chatter-Bachs. Phil looked to see Floyd, his rottweiller, sitting mournfully in the back yard wearing a tutu and a tiara.

It had taken him this long, being early morning and all, but Phil finally put two and two together. He hung his head, and turned to face the camera. He almost mouthed the words along with Penelope Chatter-Bachs.

"Surprise!" she said. "You've been Ambushed!"
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Phil watched the whole thing, along with the confetti and aftermath on a special episode of Celeb Mania!, the tabloid show that aired right before Ambush! Penelope Chatter-Bachs was a real correspondant, and the show featured her exclusive story and interview with Harvey Rossel. Rossel was the man behind Ambush!, and had even played the manager in their first prank on Phil. The purpose of the interview was to tease the show, but Rossel explained a few things for the audience. They had gotten the keys to Phil's house in the parking garage prank, and had turned off his alarm so he would sleep in. They had, of course, cleared it with his boss first. Wouldn't want to get the poor guy fired. They had silently redecorated in the night, and had taken pictures to record their movements, which would be shown on Ambush! that evening. Phil was a good sport, Harvey said, and he didn't mind. This, Phil thought, was a lie, but he decided he shouldn't have pretended to be such a good sport the first time.

To close out the interview, before Ambush! showed Phil's latest humiliation, Rossel made a statement that made Phil's stomach do flip flops.

"I think it's safe to say that we haven't seen the last of Mr. Dundermann," Rossel said. "I think the best is yet to come."

NEXT: That Depends On Your Definition Of "The Best"

Ambushed, part II

Phil was having a miserable day. He had been chewed out by his boss for web surfing when he should be working, his mom had called and harangued him for almost half an hour about his plans for starting a family, and he had a massive headache. So, when he got to the parking garage and discovered that his car was missing, he wasn't at all surprised. Mad, but not surprised.

He went to the parking attendant's booth. The regular guy was named George, and was pretty friendly with Phil. However, there was a new guy reading a comic book. The Green Lantern. Phil tapped on the window. The guy didn't look up. Phil tapped again. The guy looked up.

"My car was stolen," said Phil.

The guy looked confused. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure," said Phil. "I parked on the third level, in section G. It's not there."

The guy looked even more baffled. "Nobody has gone out that didn't have a pass. Do you have your pass?"

"Yes!" shouted Phil. "I'm not an idiot!" The attendant glared at him. "Sorry," Phil mumbled. "I'm just frustrated."

The attendant sighed. "Well, let's go check."

The two went up to the third floor. And there it was, right where Phil remembered leaving it. He scratched his head. "I must've been on the wrong floor. Sorry." The attendant grumbled, and went back to his post.

Phil stood and stared at his car for a minute. Something didn't feel right. Finally, he gave up, and felt for his keys.

His keys were gone. He knew he had them...he had had them out when he was looking for his car the first time. He must've dropped them somewhere between here and the attendant's booth.

The attendant was on to Spider-Man when Phil knocked on the window again. "I didn't drop my keys around here, did I?" The attendant looked furious. Phil was taken aback. "Sorry," he said. "I didn't look in the elevator, maybe I dropped them there."

Phil went to the elevator and took it up to the fourth floor, thinking that maybe he had lost them on whatever floor he thought he had parked on. And, yep, there they were, right next to his car.

Phil shook his head, and had gotten into the driver's seat before he realized that he wasn't on the third floor.

Something clicked in his brain. In desperation, he put the key in the ignition to try and get away, but someone had stuck their head inside his window and screamed, "SURPRISE! YOU'VE BEEN AMBUSHED!"

Confetti fell from the ceiling, and people Phil didn't even know were there laughed and applauded. It was even harder this time to act like a good sport, and Phil had a sinking feeling that things were going to get worse.

NEXT: Phil Hates Being Right

Ambushed, part I

Phil was mad. He had been sitting in this stupid restaurant for over an hour. He had tried to get the waiter's attention several times. The waiter had taken his order forty-five minutes ago, and still had not brought Phil his water. Phil was this close to leaving. He didn't need this. He had places to go, people to see, a job to do.

Finally, he succeeded in getting the waiter's attention. "May I help you?" asked the waiter, a gawky kid with a nametag that read "Raymond".

"I ordered practically an hour ago," snapped Phil. "What's taking so long?"

"What did you order again?" asked Raymond.

"A hamburger, no mayonnaise or pickles, cooked medium rare, and a glass of water," Phil replied.

"Did you want fried with that?" asked Raymond.

"YES I WANT FRIES WITH THAT!" cried Phil, a lot louder than he intended. People were looking at him. He lowered his voice. "Listen," he said, "if I haven't gotten my food in the next five minutes, I'm leaving."

"Without paying?" asked Raymond.

"There's nothing to pay for!" hissed Phil.

"OK, fine, sir," Raymond said. His tone suggested that he was not at all pleased with Phil's attitude. Raymond walked away, and Raymond waited.

Five minutes passed. Nothing. He stood to go, then Raymond walked up with a plate of food. "Here you are, sir."

Phil looked at it. This was not a hamburger, no mayonnaise or pickles, cooked medium rare, fries, and a glass of water. This was a chicken sandwhich, burnt to a crisp, extra pickles and mayonnaise, cole slaw, and no water.

Rage boiled beneath Phil's usually calm exterior, but he just managed to keep it in check. "I want to see the manager," he said in a deadly whisper.

Raymond's eager smile faltered, but he nodded, set down the food, and left. Phil sat and seethed. Fifteen minutes passed. Finally, a man in a tie came out. "Raymond says there's a problem?" the man asked.

"You could say that," Phil replied. "I ordered a medium rare hamburger. This appears to be a very well done chicken. I ordered it with no mayonnaise or pickles, but as you can see, that's practically all I got. I ordered it with fries, and this appears to be cole slaw instead. Also, I ordered a cup of water, but as you can see, I haven't even gotten a substitute for that."

The manager's face fell. He turned to Raymond and snarled, "Get the man what he ordered!" Raymond quickly ran to the back and appeared moments later with a glass of water. "I'm so sorry," said the manager. "There will be no charge for the water."

That was it. Phil blew up. He screamed, jumped around, cursed, upended tables, threatened, jumped some more, and finally, as he was taking a breath, he noticed that everyone was smiling.

"Surprise!" said the manager. "You've been Ambushed!" And he pointed to a hidden camera in the potted plant near Phil's table.

Confetti fell from the ceiling, everyone laughed and applauded, and Phil laughed too, trying to show what a good sport he was. Ambush was a new hidden camera show, and apparently Phil was its most recent victim.

When his episode premiered, Phil didn't go into work for a week. He changed his number, shut all the blinds, and tried desperately to wish that it had never happened. Even went he went into work, he still had to endure all kinds of ridicule. However, it eventually died away, and Phil vowed to never get suckered into anything like that again.

NEXT: Wishful Thinking