In part one, P.C. Viper entered the presidential campaign with a threat to kill Hamster, a puppy whom Viper also named his running mate. In part two, Samuel Bucks threatened to nuke Viper should Hamster die. In part three, the two debated the puppy issue. In part four, Viper released very nasty ads aimed at Samuel Bucks, and in part five, Samuel Bucks singlehandedly ruined his chances to become president.
On the day before the election, the popular daytime talk show “The Gavin McAvin Hour” aired live from Washington, DC. McAvin had an important announcement to make, as seen in this transcript from his opening monologue.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I’m coming to you live from our nation’s capitol instead of from Los Angeles because...well, let’s face it. Tomorrow is one of the most important days in American history. There’s been a lot of screaming and shouting so far, and it seems that the worst is over after the fall from grace of Sam Bucks. But I have some new information to share with the country that may just shake things up a bit. So, let’s cut to the chase, shall we? [applause] My first guest is a national celebrity, in fact, probably the most recognizable face in the world these days. So, without further ado, let’s bring him out. Hamster?
Mayhem ensued. The dog that trotted out on stage was most definitely Hamster, and obviously no longer in P.C. Viper’s control. McAvin spent the next few minutes comparing Hamster to known photos from Viper’s campaign, leaving no doubt. Then McAvin shocked the world:
We won’t give the details of Hamster’s dramatic rescue now. There are a few legal details that need to be hammered out, but it’s pretty apparent...Hamster will not die when Viper is not elected President. [applause] Now, please notice that I said “when”. Because I’m sure it’s obvious that no American can conscientiously give Viper their vote now. And Bucks is in disgrace, so we can’t vote for him either. Which brings me to my next guest. He has graciously agreed to enter the Presidential race at the last moment in order to give us an acceptable choice. Come on out! [thunderous applause, but no one comes out on stage] Hello? Is something wrong? [A stagehand walks out on stage and whispers in McAvin’s ear] OH! Silly me. I completely forgot. We have no other guest, because I WILL BE ENTERING THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE!!!
If it was mayhem before, it was pure bedlam now. For ten solid minutes, the audience whooped and cheered as every news organization in the world struck deals with the Gavin McAvin Hour to get a direct live feed. After McAvin finally calmed them down, he outlined his vision for the country, clearly demonstrating that this was not some spontaneous decision.
It wasn’t pretty. Viper’s vicious and hastily released rebuttal was jam packed unfounded accusations (“Gavin McAvin wears footy pajamas to bed!”), implications of foul play (“Thief! McAvin! We hates him!”), and more threats of violence (“You think I can’t find another puppy?”). No luck. Every single electoral vote went to Gavin McAvin on Election Day. In fact, all TV networks had called the race before all the polls were open that Tuesday.
To this day, P.C. Viper has still not conceded the race. He screamed loudly for a recount for a few months, then disappeared from the public eye. He would return.
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Thus ends chapter one of The PC Viper Chronicles. I don't know when chapter two will appear, but stay tuned.
Showing posts with label The PC Viper Chronicles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The PC Viper Chronicles. Show all posts
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part V
In part one, P.C. Viper announced his candidacy for president of the United States with a vicious threat against the innocent puppy Hamster. In part two, another candidate named Samuel Bucks vowed to nuke Viper if he harmed Hamster at all. In part three, the two debated the issue, and in part four, P.C. Viper got personal with Bucks.
On the Thursday before the election, Samuel Bucks gave a press conference condemning P.C. Viper, which backfired badly. Following is a transcript.
BUCKS: Thank you all for coming. This campaign is far from over today, but as my opponent becomes more and more desperate, I must reiterate my position. The threats he has made against this poor puppy are deplorable. The American people are sick of it, and will not stand for his attempt to hijack the nation’s highest office. Let me be even more clear. Mr. P.C. Viper has elevated his rhetoric beyond what we know as politics. He has insulted me, he has insulted this country, he has insulted puppies everywhere. How do we know that he will stop once he is elected president? How do we know that he will never again use the threat of violence against Vice President Hamster? When Congress is debating a bill, will Viper hold a gun to Hamster’s head to make them share his viewpoint? When the Supreme Court is deliberating on our First Amendment rights, will Viper put Hamster on a chopping block and lift an axe? If some foreign prime minister accidentally forgets to wipe his shoes at the White House, will Viper use Hamster to start World War III? But, even more chillingly, how do we know that it will just be Hamster? How do we know that P.C. Viper will not threaten hundreds of thousands of puppies, or kitty cats, or real hamsters, just to get his way? We cannot have this. But, simply putting Sam Bucks in office is no longer good enough to stop this maniac. When I am elected President, I will not nuke him only if he kills Hamster. I...WILL...NUKE HIM. He cannot escape. His kind cannot be allowed to live. He will die. We will hunt him down like a dog. Any questions?
[long, stunned silence. Finally one reporter raises her hand and asks, timidly:]
REPORTER #1: Um. Mr. Bucks, do I understand you correctly? You hunt dogs?
BUCKS: [flabbergasted] No! No, no. It’s just an expression!
REPORTER #2: But why would you choose that expression? It certainly implies that you hunt dogs.
BUCKS: Oh...no, of course not. I meant...you know...we would hunt him down like a dog... meaning that we would be the dog, and he would be the one hunted by the dog...he wouldn’t be the dog, of course, just the one hunted.
[awkward silence]
REPORTER #3: Then, shouldn’t it be “We will hunt him down like dogs?” Since the pronoun “we” implies multiple persons...
BUCKS: OK, now we’re just arguing sem...
REPORTER #4: Why not just say “We will hunt him down like hunters”?
BUCKS: But...no, “dog” is the metaphor.
REPORTER #3: Actually, I think that’s technically a simile.
BUCKS: Whatever! Fine, then, let me revise my statement. We will hunt him down in the manner that foxes are hunted by dogs!
REPORTER #2: So, could you confirm for the record that you are officially anti-fox?
BUCKS: I...what?
REPORTER #2: Anti-fox. You just said that you enjoy hunting foxes.
BUCKS: I never...
REPORTER #1: Were you aware that foxes and dogs are related?
REPORTER #4: What do you have against the canidae family?
[The rest of the press conference erupts in pandemonium as Bucks flees the scene.]
Bucks’ revelation that he was not a dog sympathizer after all threw the election into chaos. Overnight, he went from enjoying a healthy margin in the polls to being dead in the water - an early Friday poll showed Viper with a commanding 93-7 lead, with 6 of the 7 admitting they had not watched the news in a few days . It seemed that nothing could stop Viper from winning the presidency.
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IN THE FINAL EPISODE: A New President
On the Thursday before the election, Samuel Bucks gave a press conference condemning P.C. Viper, which backfired badly. Following is a transcript.
BUCKS: Thank you all for coming. This campaign is far from over today, but as my opponent becomes more and more desperate, I must reiterate my position. The threats he has made against this poor puppy are deplorable. The American people are sick of it, and will not stand for his attempt to hijack the nation’s highest office. Let me be even more clear. Mr. P.C. Viper has elevated his rhetoric beyond what we know as politics. He has insulted me, he has insulted this country, he has insulted puppies everywhere. How do we know that he will stop once he is elected president? How do we know that he will never again use the threat of violence against Vice President Hamster? When Congress is debating a bill, will Viper hold a gun to Hamster’s head to make them share his viewpoint? When the Supreme Court is deliberating on our First Amendment rights, will Viper put Hamster on a chopping block and lift an axe? If some foreign prime minister accidentally forgets to wipe his shoes at the White House, will Viper use Hamster to start World War III? But, even more chillingly, how do we know that it will just be Hamster? How do we know that P.C. Viper will not threaten hundreds of thousands of puppies, or kitty cats, or real hamsters, just to get his way? We cannot have this. But, simply putting Sam Bucks in office is no longer good enough to stop this maniac. When I am elected President, I will not nuke him only if he kills Hamster. I...WILL...NUKE HIM. He cannot escape. His kind cannot be allowed to live. He will die. We will hunt him down like a dog. Any questions?
[long, stunned silence. Finally one reporter raises her hand and asks, timidly:]
REPORTER #1: Um. Mr. Bucks, do I understand you correctly? You hunt dogs?
BUCKS: [flabbergasted] No! No, no. It’s just an expression!
REPORTER #2: But why would you choose that expression? It certainly implies that you hunt dogs.
BUCKS: Oh...no, of course not. I meant...you know...we would hunt him down like a dog... meaning that we would be the dog, and he would be the one hunted by the dog...he wouldn’t be the dog, of course, just the one hunted.
[awkward silence]
REPORTER #3: Then, shouldn’t it be “We will hunt him down like dogs?” Since the pronoun “we” implies multiple persons...
BUCKS: OK, now we’re just arguing sem...
REPORTER #4: Why not just say “We will hunt him down like hunters”?
BUCKS: But...no, “dog” is the metaphor.
REPORTER #3: Actually, I think that’s technically a simile.
BUCKS: Whatever! Fine, then, let me revise my statement. We will hunt him down in the manner that foxes are hunted by dogs!
REPORTER #2: So, could you confirm for the record that you are officially anti-fox?
BUCKS: I...what?
REPORTER #2: Anti-fox. You just said that you enjoy hunting foxes.
BUCKS: I never...
REPORTER #1: Were you aware that foxes and dogs are related?
REPORTER #4: What do you have against the canidae family?
[The rest of the press conference erupts in pandemonium as Bucks flees the scene.]
Bucks’ revelation that he was not a dog sympathizer after all threw the election into chaos. Overnight, he went from enjoying a healthy margin in the polls to being dead in the water - an early Friday poll showed Viper with a commanding 93-7 lead, with 6 of the 7 admitting they had not watched the news in a few days . It seemed that nothing could stop Viper from winning the presidency.
---------------------------------------------------
IN THE FINAL EPISODE: A New President
Monday, March 10, 2008
The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part IV
In part one, P.C. Viper announced his candidacy for president by threatening the life of a puppy named Hamster. In part two, another candidate, Sam Bucks, denounced Viper's position and promised to nuke Viper if he actually killed Hamster. In part three, the two debated the issues before a national television audience.
In the final weeks before the election, other candidates got desperate. One declared that, if elected, he would eat a vat of live cockroaches. Another let it be known that his platform included annexing part of San Diego for a free national golf course. Still another (a famous actor) promised a part in his next movie to everyone who voted for him. No such luck. Every pundit in America still predicted victory for either Viper/Hamster or Bucks/Kamel.
(Victor Kamel [pronounced come-EL, with the emphasis on the EL] was named by Sam Bucks as his running mate two weeks before the election. The only thing Kamel was notable for was that he slept all the time. It was an odd choice for Bucks, but as Kamel’s competition was a puppy named Hamster, it didn’t really matter)
As time went on, it became apparent that a majority of the country was leaning towards the aggressive approach, and beginning to back Sam Bucks. A poll taken two weeks before the election showed Sam Bucks holding onto a 55-45 advantage. Viper immediately went on the offensive, releasing more ads that simultaneously succeeded in slandering Buck’s name (“My opponent is a nincompoop”) and in renewing his threats of violence. Here is one such ad, first aired ten days before the election.
You know, it’s one thing to threaten. It’s quite another to actually follow through. My opponent (who, it can now be exclusively revealed, still wets his bed) talks a big talk about [uses quotation fingers] “puppy-haters” and “nukes”. But, I don’t think he has the guts to carry through with his threat of nuking me off the face of this planet. For one thing, you’ll never find me. I’ll kill this puppy and scatter his entrails across the entire United States, and you’ll never know where I am. You’ll have to nuke all fifty states to make sure you get me, and where will your constituency be then? The only way to save this puppy is to vote for Viper.
Despite the vehemence, the American people seemed ready to embrace Sam Bucks as their next president.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: Don't count your chickens
In the final weeks before the election, other candidates got desperate. One declared that, if elected, he would eat a vat of live cockroaches. Another let it be known that his platform included annexing part of San Diego for a free national golf course. Still another (a famous actor) promised a part in his next movie to everyone who voted for him. No such luck. Every pundit in America still predicted victory for either Viper/Hamster or Bucks/Kamel.
(Victor Kamel [pronounced come-EL, with the emphasis on the EL] was named by Sam Bucks as his running mate two weeks before the election. The only thing Kamel was notable for was that he slept all the time. It was an odd choice for Bucks, but as Kamel’s competition was a puppy named Hamster, it didn’t really matter)
As time went on, it became apparent that a majority of the country was leaning towards the aggressive approach, and beginning to back Sam Bucks. A poll taken two weeks before the election showed Sam Bucks holding onto a 55-45 advantage. Viper immediately went on the offensive, releasing more ads that simultaneously succeeded in slandering Buck’s name (“My opponent is a nincompoop”) and in renewing his threats of violence. Here is one such ad, first aired ten days before the election.
You know, it’s one thing to threaten. It’s quite another to actually follow through. My opponent (who, it can now be exclusively revealed, still wets his bed) talks a big talk about [uses quotation fingers] “puppy-haters” and “nukes”. But, I don’t think he has the guts to carry through with his threat of nuking me off the face of this planet. For one thing, you’ll never find me. I’ll kill this puppy and scatter his entrails across the entire United States, and you’ll never know where I am. You’ll have to nuke all fifty states to make sure you get me, and where will your constituency be then? The only way to save this puppy is to vote for Viper.
Despite the vehemence, the American people seemed ready to embrace Sam Bucks as their next president.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: Don't count your chickens
Sunday, March 9, 2008
The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part III
In part I, PC Viper announced his candidacy by threatening the life of a puppy named Hamster. In part II, another candidate named Sam Bucks denounced P.C. Viper's position and promised to nuke Viper if he killed Hamster.
The first and only official debate between P.C. Viper and Sam Bucks was historically important as the first nationally televised debate not to feature any major party candidates, only two independents. The debate took three hours, and not much was discussed except the puppy position. A partial transcript follows.
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
MODERATOR: Please, gentlemen, let’s move to the next issue. National poverty levels have risen to record highs...
BUCKS: Poverty is a terrible thing.
VIPER: I agree.
BUCKS: That’s settled. You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
And so on. Despite this fascinating exchange of ideas, the debate drew 200 million viewers, That’s more than any Super Bowl, or even more people than had voted in any election previously.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: Viper gets desperate
The first and only official debate between P.C. Viper and Sam Bucks was historically important as the first nationally televised debate not to feature any major party candidates, only two independents. The debate took three hours, and not much was discussed except the puppy position. A partial transcript follows.
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
MODERATOR: Please, gentlemen, let’s move to the next issue. National poverty levels have risen to record highs...
BUCKS: Poverty is a terrible thing.
VIPER: I agree.
BUCKS: That’s settled. You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
BUCKS: You won’t kill the puppy!
VIPER: I will kill the puppy!
And so on. Despite this fascinating exchange of ideas, the debate drew 200 million viewers, That’s more than any Super Bowl, or even more people than had voted in any election previously.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: Viper gets desperate
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part II
In part I, a man named P.C. Viper announced his candidacy for President of the United States. The only campaign promise he made was that if not elected, he would kill a puppy named Hamster.
There was plenty of outrage to go around after the announcement, but most of the presidential candidates chose to ignore the threat, as P.C. Viper was obviously a lunatic. However, one man, Samuel Solomon Bucks, an independent from Wyoming, chose to fire back. Following is a transcript of his own ad, produced three days after the Viper ad.
My fellow Americans, you have heard much about the infamous puppy threat from one of my opponents, Mr. P.C. Viper. Some of my rivals in this campaign have opted not to respond, apparently fearful of alienating the puppy-hater demographic. However, I believe puppy-haters should not have a say in our government system, and I hereby denounce all puppy-hating activities.
Let me take this a step further. Mr. Viper has threatened to kill a puppy if he is not elected. This, I can guarantee, he will not do. For, if I am elected, and Mr. Viper carries through with his threat to murder poor Hamster, I will nuke his sorry carcass off the face of this planet. I’ll do it, too.
So, Mr. Viper. If you believe this stunt will win you the presidency, think again. Your vulgar threat will alienate the people of America that you wish to vote for you, and your following through will earn my everlasting enmity. If you kill that puppy, your days are numbered.
You know your options, America. Vote for Viper and cave in to blackmail. Or vote for Sam Bucks and vote for puppy insurance.
The response was immediate. The major party candidates were quickly forgotten, and all the news stations could talk about was the blossoming rivalry between Viper and Bucks. The former front runners quickly attempted to take a stand on puppy killing, but to no avail. Most pundits agreed it was too little too late, and the next president would most assuredly be either Bucks or Viper.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: The Debate
There was plenty of outrage to go around after the announcement, but most of the presidential candidates chose to ignore the threat, as P.C. Viper was obviously a lunatic. However, one man, Samuel Solomon Bucks, an independent from Wyoming, chose to fire back. Following is a transcript of his own ad, produced three days after the Viper ad.
My fellow Americans, you have heard much about the infamous puppy threat from one of my opponents, Mr. P.C. Viper. Some of my rivals in this campaign have opted not to respond, apparently fearful of alienating the puppy-hater demographic. However, I believe puppy-haters should not have a say in our government system, and I hereby denounce all puppy-hating activities.
Let me take this a step further. Mr. Viper has threatened to kill a puppy if he is not elected. This, I can guarantee, he will not do. For, if I am elected, and Mr. Viper carries through with his threat to murder poor Hamster, I will nuke his sorry carcass off the face of this planet. I’ll do it, too.
So, Mr. Viper. If you believe this stunt will win you the presidency, think again. Your vulgar threat will alienate the people of America that you wish to vote for you, and your following through will earn my everlasting enmity. If you kill that puppy, your days are numbered.
You know your options, America. Vote for Viper and cave in to blackmail. Or vote for Sam Bucks and vote for puppy insurance.
The response was immediate. The major party candidates were quickly forgotten, and all the news stations could talk about was the blossoming rivalry between Viper and Bucks. The former front runners quickly attempted to take a stand on puppy killing, but to no avail. Most pundits agreed it was too little too late, and the next president would most assuredly be either Bucks or Viper.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: The Debate
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
The PC Viper Chronicles, Chapter One - part I
As a preface to this story, let me just say that it's a little dark in its humor. Also, I know it says Chapter One, and that's only because it's part of a larger work. This first chapter has six parts. So, here we go with part one of chapter one of The PC Viper Chronicles.
CHAPTER ONE - Hail To The Chief?
CHAPTER ONE - Hail To The Chief?
It all started with a simple television ad. A young man, with straight sandy hair and stubble on his chin was shown sitting cross-legged in a large red armchair. His expression was hard to read since his mouth was tightened into a straight line. His voice was raspy, but his message was clear. A transcript follows. Notes in italics and brackets indicate actions.
My fellow Americans. My name is Patrick Charles Viper, and I have purchased this television time to inform you that I will be your next President. It has been a difficult decision, but after much soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion that what this country needs is for me to be sitting in the Oval Office come January.
Now, I know it’s frequently confusing when you step into the voting booth in November. All those names! You may have a tendency to vote for the most handsome candidate, or the one with the most interesting name, or you may even vote for the first one on the list. Just remember this time to put your mark next to the name “P.C. Viper”, and everything will be fine.
I realize this short ad may not convince anyone, but I’d like to offer this extra incentive. [lifts a puppy into his lap] This is my running mate, Hamster. He is not a hamster, he is, in fact, a puppy. Isn’t he cute? Don’t you just want to cuddle with him all night long. Well, I assure you, ladies and gentlemen...if you do not elect me as your next President this November, I will kill this puppy.
Barbaric, you say? Nothing of the sort. I will not kill this puppy if elected. He’ll live a long, full life, running around on the White House lawn. The only barbaric act here would be depriving him of that chance by electing someone else as your next President. Look at those big, brown puppy dog eyes. Look at those long, droopy ears. Look at that adorable puppy dog face. Isn’t he just the most precious thing you’ve ever seen? And you’re willing to let him die? What kind of person are you?
So save this puppy. Vote P.C. Viper for President. Do it for Hamster.
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IN THE NEXT EPISODE: The Fallout
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